loveme.

january and i have been in the middle of a love-hate relationship this year.  i love the blue skies, he drops snow on me.  i hate the cold, and it warms up.  i make incredible resolutions to start the new year off. . . and with the first month they go the way of the world {which is away}.

i feel like january shouldn't really be a part of the year.  see, everyone makes all these great resolutions and plans to change, do things a little differently, be a little better.  but come the end of january and most of us are on the same old track.

for that reason, i now decree january a test month - not a real one.

for the rest of my life, i intend to make my new year's resolutions at the end of january.  that way, i've had time to try out a few different things.  i've had time to try to change things, i know what works and what doesn't, and i won't be horribly frustrated by the end of the first month of the new year when nothing has changed.

a test month.  i'll try a different strategy every week or so.  then, come february, i'll have a plan - a concrete plan.  i'll know exactly what i want to change and how i want to change it. . .at least, that's the hope.

luckily, this is a perfect year to start this strategy.  it's almost the end of january and quite a few of my resolutions from the previous year have failed - miserably.  okay, let's be a little more optimistic!  not failed miserably. . . just not quite accomplished the over-arching goal, which is actually what i'd like to talk about.

so: new year's resolution {post test-month}:
{this is a big one}.

    i've come up with a theme for this year:  loveme. 
                 loving myself has been a challenge since i can remember, and to be honest i'm terrified to tackle it. this encompasses a lot.  from demanding much too much of myself, placing extreme restrictions on myself, placing no restrictions on myself, mental guilt-tripping. . . it's been a long road of self-abuse.  but it's time to put a stop to it.  this goal will change the dynamics of the blog quite a bit, i expect.  i'll be blogging about things like eating disorders, mental attitude, general health, nutrition, having a relationship with Christ, social relationships, expectations, attitudes about men and women, social competition and comparison, and more as they surface.  this is a year-long project.  but by then end, i expect to have a better opinion of myself, to learn to truly take care of myself, to be happy to be me.  in short, this year will be a turning point - one that will shape my future drastically.  by the end, i hope to believe there's nothing i can't do.

project loveme will have quite a few different components and stages.  i still haven't worked out a fool-proof plan, but there'll be more to follow on that later.  i am determined to do a few things right off the bat.  i've been wanting to write about these issues for a long time, but it was just never the right time.  but i've realized that i can't keep waiting for the right time, i just have to start now, where i am.  so i'm actually going to write about these things - address my real life issues and how i'm overcoming them.  i'm going to post more pictures of myself.  selfish?  i thought that at first, too.  but not anymore.  i want this to be a record of me, of my life, and pictures are a way to do that, while also helping with my own self-image.

the first step:
i wanted something that would really get me writing about all this, more than once a month.  so, to start off, i'll be trying out a blog challenge called project 31.  it's all about women, real beauty, and being unique.  i'll start that on february 1. {and yes, i know that february doesn't have 31 days, but i missed january!}

after that i'm not sure where i'll head.  my hope is that it will help me be more comfortable writing about all this - all this stuff that's much more me.

so.

let project loveme begin!

with love. . .

last week, my good friend allison went into the missionary training center here in provo (right, the same allison from we are women).  she'll be serving in nashville for the next year and a half, and i am so proud of her decision to serve!  she's been such a great example to me for the last semester.  she was a friend when i needed one so badly - a friend in every reciprocal definition of the word.  i admire her strength, her courage, and her trust in God.  before she entered the mtc, i visited her and her mother at earthfruits yogurt (yummy stuff, that!).

i love this gal!  i can't wait to hear all her incredible experiences.  she's the kind of person that can't help but change the world everywhere she goes.  someday, i expect to glance at the morning paper and see her name across the front.

i sent her a little package today and was pretty excited about it.  i love sending people packages! and getting them, for that matter - it's just about the best feeling in the world.  she asked for a very specific shirt {which i failed to find and ended up sending a different color than instructed because of sizing. . .issues}.  she's had a cold, so with the shirt {i had to remind her what i hippie i am} i sent some natural throat drops.  aaaaand what's a package without chocolate, right??  so, of course i included a little truffle.

i hope she decides brown is as good as black!

untitled.

i've been stuck in a rut the past couple of days.
homework level is about the same as when the weekend started, which will make for an early monday morning.
school motivation level is climbing the senioritis scale with each class.
i have become an absolute sucker for cookiedough.

really, it all started on friday.  but the beginning and escalation (of the rut) are a little blurry.  friday, i started taking naps.  sleep has been avoiding me, lately, avoiding me the way i avoid going outside in a blizzard. {thank goodness for the blue skies this entire week - i can't think of anything that could have made me happier!}  but these were not intentional naps, not in the least.  each nap started with homework and ended with my phone ringing several hours later.  waking up in the dark and realizing it's time for dinner is a little disconcerting, especially when the line-up of readings and article summaries is exponentially multiplying.

friday night predicted the start to a fabulous weekend {despite the strange sleep schedule}.  however, the weekend never seem to really start.

this week, i'm going to try to finish all of my homework by friday, in order to have a more fulfilled weekend.

i'm going to choose which biographies to tackle this semester.
i'm going to try out the idea of responsible napping.


i started this post with the intention of writing about friday night.
and ended up splattering all that above - it's my apparent default.  there's something i want to write about, but to spare myself the awkward, the confession, or (goodness gracious) the sillyness, i write about goals.

this week i'm going to change. . .
one thing that i think will work better. . . 
i have a little goal. . . 


to estimate, i think those phrases show up on this record more than any other.  they are my default and-it-came-to-pass phrases.

away with that!

friday night:
that's right: i straightened my hair to watch a jazz game.
basketball, pizza, peanut m&m's, frozen yogurt, majority-rule gendered segregation, cow imitations, smurffing, and a music-fest.

my kind of fun {other than the basketball game - did i know what was going on? not in the slightest}.

chocolate swirl banana bread

for the past week, my roommate genni and i have been craving banana bread.  craving literally.  every time i looked at those too-ripe bananas my mouth would water.  last night we both needed a little break from homework {already? yes.}, so while she whipped together a few quesadillas for us, i finally used the old bananas.

but of course, i'm me, and i changed the recipe.  i'm beginning to think that's inevitable for me.  every time i cook {or bake, lately} i simply can't help thinking, oh! it would be so good with this instead... why does it want me to put that in? strange... i don't think i will.

the same thing happened with the banana bread - and it was a fabulous success!

two beautiful loaves of chocolate swirl banana bread {today with breakfast, lunch, and dinner!}.

chocolate swirl banana bread

4 cups whole wheat flour

1 1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 1/2 cups date sugar

1/2 cup honey

1/2 cup applesauce

1 T maple syrup

1/4 cup cocoa

4 large eggs

3 cups mashed ripe banana (6 bananas)

2/3 cup vanilla yogurt

2 teaspoon vanilla extract

dash of salt

first, i whipped together the applesauce, date sugar and honey (all of this was done with a fork, by the way, due to my college-lack of mixer).  after it creams and looks delicious, add the banana, vanilla and yogurt.  mix those up then add eggs. . . really, you could combine that, but i was working with a too-small bowl and trying not to make an overflow mess on the counter!  next add the flour, baking soda and salt.  (the original recipe wanted me to combine those first in another bowl, but i was lazy and it worked just fine this way!)  once this is all together, take about 3 cups of the dough and scoop it into another bowl.  add the maple syrup and cocoa to this smaller bowl.

next is the fun part!  i scooped the un-chocolate dough into two bread pans evenly, then scooped the chocolate dough on top of it and swirled it around in the bread pans with a spoon.  the inside came out so beautifully!  it was a good surprise to cut the first slice and see beautiful dark swirls because i thought i mixed it too much to be able to see the chocolate.  

bake at 350 for an hour!  which is way too long, by the way.  the smell almost killed the bread because genni had to keep me from opening the oven!  

end result: delicious.

especially dipped in hot chocolate!

i'm not a bad blogger... just a really good liver.

i've done yoga everyday for the past two weeks {except sunday}.
i ran yesterday for fourty-five minutes - at night {an accomplishment this semester}.
i've eaten three meals a day for the last four consecutive days.
today is the first day i haven't finished all my due homework this semester.
january is practically three-fourths of the way over and my nights of almost-eight hours of sleep are already more than last semester.
i go to family home evening.
and drink lemon-cayenne warm water in the mornings.
i've giant journaled twice this month,
and drawn three cartoons.
i've only been late to class once - by fifteen seconds.
my books are now color-categorized.
and the pictures on the wall are rearranged - not to mention the kitchen cupboards!

but lately, i just don't write quite as much.
i'll write more -
when i feel like it.

my favorite thing about this week is weather so warm the snow's melting!  well, yesterday and the day before.  today will give us new snow. . .which is better than old snow, anyway!

reassurance on the walk home

sometimes i do things without thinking, and directly after the fact i wonder what in the world possessed me to do it.  the funny thing is that most times, these little absent-thought-actions lead to big things - life changes.

last year, despite my current emotion coma, i decided to give one of my shoes to the ward activities committee, thus committing to attend the cinderella ball.  {it's something unique to provo: it seems the religious leaders here delight in watching horribly awkward situations unfold in front of their eyes}.  after turning my shoe in, i went back to my apartment and cried.  what in the world had i done?? i don't even go to normal ward activities i thought, why why WHY did i give them my favorite SHOE??  luckily, i had really great roommates who supported my rather insane urge.  i met a boy at the ball that i dated for a significant amount of time.  i'm still not sure how i feel about the whole thing {after-the-fact emotions take a while to resolve for me sometimes}.  but it was definitely a life-altering process.  it changed the way i viewed myself, the way i looked at the world and the people in it.  it changed the things i want out of life, my goals and dreams.

and they did return my favorite shoe.

a little over three months ago, i found myself in a similar situation.  i had submitted my application to work with the flourishing families project in provo over the summer.  after a group interview i was asked to return for a personal interview that would determine if i would participate in the internship.  i'd thought it all out, was confident in my decision and excited to move forward.  provo was a great place to be in the summer - last spring in provo was absolutely beautiful!  i would be close to family, be paid enough to secure my last semesters at school, and be in an area i felt comfortable in.  i had decided firmly that going with the seattle team of flourishing families was out of the question - too big, too unknown, too long, and too far.  

and yet there i sat in the interview telling them that although i applied for provo, i was equally interested in seattle opportunities.  i knew what i was saying, and it horrified me!  but i couldn't stop myself.  it was like being in a bad dream, one where you know what's happening and don't like it one bit, and yet you have no power whatsoever to stop it from happening.  it's really the experience i'm interested in more than the place, i said.  yeah right.  i was terrified of seattle.

i agonized the entire walk home.  hopefully, i wished, they would discard that statement as only an afterthought.  why did i even say it?  am i absolutely insane?  

i tried my best to dismiss the interview and let things play out.

several weeks passed and i received an email from the flourishing families project coordinators.  we are pleased to congratulate you on your acceptance to the flourishing families project - seattle team.  i'm almost embarrassed to admit i cried for ten minutes before coming out of my room and announcing my good news.  

but as i walked home from my internship preparation course tonight, i had a strange feeling.  the snow makes everything absolutely quiet, absolutely still.  it makes it easier to think on the walk home in the twilight.  and i thought, maybe this is another cinderella ball.  

life changing, certainly.

true, if i think about moving to seattle right now, i still panic.  but i don't have emotional breakdowns if i focus on the one day before me.  a twenty-four hour period.  an article summary, an email to my assigned professor.  today, i can do that.

and today was the first day this winter that i was infinitely grateful for how quiet the snow makes a busy campus.

i'm appreciative of my belief that nothing is coincidental - despite the panic of an unexpected adventure.

such a nice boy...

last night i found myself in a little bit of an awkward situation {luckily it had a few benefits}.  but before i get to the story, there's a little background information that needs to be laid on the table.

to my dismay, natalie is not with me this semester.  that's right, partner in crime in this winter jungle is MIA.  yes, it gets lonely and quiet and i don't laugh quite as much - or go out to eat as much, for that matter.  but we're coping!  and sabrina is a major source of . . . copement.   no that's not a word, but it's what i mean.  goodness gracious am i ever lucky this gal decided to move in next door!  lately i've  escaped to her apartment a couple times.  it's usually a lot lighter (literally and figuratively), full of more people (with quite the variety), and packed with entertaining and memorable moments.  this will probably become a habit {and we can only hope that her roommates learn to love me!}.

last night was such a night.  i was snuggled up in the armchair of apartment 102 enjoying the smell of pancakes and bacon.  sabrina and i were discussing a boy of mutual acquaintance {over whom i was slightly perplexed} when two guys in earshot decided they wanted a part in the conversation.  after several minutes of them discussing my little plight and both giving full-fledged step-by-step advice, one simply declared, "he sounds crazy! you're a really pretty girl!  just tell him to bug off and be done!" . . . or something like that.  really, i just remember the phrase you're a really pretty girl!

despite his crazy advice and rather egotistical performance throughout the night, in that moment he was one of the best men in the world!  i don't remember the last time someone told me i was really pretty.  it's been a rough week and hearing a little praise of my feminine self was such a lift.  and quite the confidence boost considering the company.

so thank you, boy, for your kind words - they touched my heart!

guest posting

my friend allison is a really stellar human being.  she gets things done, changes the world bit by big bit.  however, even though she's in the middle of several great big life projects, she's decided to put things on hold while she serves a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (i believe - to the left).  while she's away for a year and a half, she's recruited me for a little keep-up on a project blog called the we are women project.

so.  i'll be writing over there about once a month (maybe more - we'll see what the wind blows in).  today was my first post!  i'm excited to be involved in such a great project - although my part is extremely minor.  aaaannnd  the other writers are absolutely great - i can't wait to see what they have to say as well.  so give it a read!  it'll definitely be worth your time! :)

little adventure in big store

today was a get-things-done day.  i had a list - a long list.

after calling natalie for directions to target (it's the one place i visit often in provo/orem area that i can never remember how to get to), i arrived with the intention of grocery shopping.  however, after spending almost an hour to find yoga pants, a humidifier, and a britta pitcher, i was almost frantic.  see, super-stores have the tendency to make me crazy - not a good way.  it's a pity the target here is super, because i love target.  but this one is so absolutely massive that i can't anything {anything} at all.  it took an hour to find three items, and after which i decided i was better off driving back to the grocery store than tying to navigate my way through endless isles of food.  grocery shopping with that long of a list is better done when you know were you're going... or at least aren't almost frantic.

luckily, provo has a health food store that does the opposite to my nerves.  two minutes in there and i had a full cart, a happy smile, and could have skipped back to my apartment.

i made tortilla soup tonight.  a favorite!  and it tasted like home. :)

tortilla soup - original recipe in one of lori's cookbooks.

1 T olive oil

1 diced onion

2 minced garlic cloves (or three... or four)

2 cups each of black, red, and pinto beans

4 1/2 cups water with 1 veggie bullion cube

1 can diced tomatoes 

1 tsp each of cumin, oregano, and chili powder

 2 T miso 

2 T nutritional yeast

stir the onions and around in the pan for a few minutes with the oil until they're transparent and brown, then add everything but the miso and nutritional yeast.  after cooking for a while... (30 minutes ish) add the last two ingredients.

i topped my soup with tortilla chips, jalapeños, green onions, and cilantro.  really, it's stupendous!

merry christmas, happy new year, and hit january's ground running

happy new year!!!

okay, i know i'm a little late.  i could say merry christmas as well because i missed that one first.  i took a little extended vacation during the holidays.  a break from. . .well, everything.  everything, that is, except a lot of wonderful and needed relaxation!

i want to jump right into the new year, new semester, new goals, and all that stuff.  but first, here's a brief review of the holidays from my perspective:

- hours of tamale-making while watching beezus and ramona three times (love it!)

- started sense and sensibility and still can't put it down.  darn that willoughby - he gets me every time in the movie, too!

- was renamed nanny by my almost-two-year-old nephew.  i'm still not sure how i feel about this.  however, i'm comforted by the fact that he actually said my name first, and that his calling everyone nanny originated by him missing the collective: "nanny and jessi."

- was second place in ticket to ride!  an accomplishment in my family, i assure you

- played carcasone into the hours of the night with hailey and natalie

- ate waaaaaay too much sugar (no worries, i'm repentant now)

- sang in the family christmas eve program

- made avocado tomitillo salsa for that evening's dinner

- saw the movie tangled twice.  man, if the holiday media has a highlight for me, it's this one.  i laaooooove it. i want to watch it again and again!  i'm listening to the soundtrack daily, and still cracking up at the funny parts.  new ideal man: eugene fitzherbert.  i've gotta find me one of those, someday.  more on this obsession to follow, that's really what it is!

- and caught a cold.  a cold that is ALMOST GONE! i'm elated. but knocking on wood and praying at intervals.

overall, i had quite the needed dose of family love this holiday season.  it was fabulous. fantastic. restful. and i didn't want to leave.

but life goes on!

and really, i love january.  a lot, actually.  new beginnings are addicting for me - i think it gives me some sort of strange adrenaline rush. . . 

you already know my obsession with little goals, and in january i get to make big ones!

so.  new year.  new me.  some changes to come, so be watching!

happy january!

and... a few photos from over the break:

 hailey's christmas toes

my wonderful nephew ashton and me - playing chess with him is always a highlight of home!

my family's wonderful christmas tree.  best. tree. ever.