reassurance on the walk home

sometimes i do things without thinking, and directly after the fact i wonder what in the world possessed me to do it.  the funny thing is that most times, these little absent-thought-actions lead to big things - life changes.

last year, despite my current emotion coma, i decided to give one of my shoes to the ward activities committee, thus committing to attend the cinderella ball.  {it's something unique to provo: it seems the religious leaders here delight in watching horribly awkward situations unfold in front of their eyes}.  after turning my shoe in, i went back to my apartment and cried.  what in the world had i done?? i don't even go to normal ward activities i thought, why why WHY did i give them my favorite SHOE??  luckily, i had really great roommates who supported my rather insane urge.  i met a boy at the ball that i dated for a significant amount of time.  i'm still not sure how i feel about the whole thing {after-the-fact emotions take a while to resolve for me sometimes}.  but it was definitely a life-altering process.  it changed the way i viewed myself, the way i looked at the world and the people in it.  it changed the things i want out of life, my goals and dreams.

and they did return my favorite shoe.

a little over three months ago, i found myself in a similar situation.  i had submitted my application to work with the flourishing families project in provo over the summer.  after a group interview i was asked to return for a personal interview that would determine if i would participate in the internship.  i'd thought it all out, was confident in my decision and excited to move forward.  provo was a great place to be in the summer - last spring in provo was absolutely beautiful!  i would be close to family, be paid enough to secure my last semesters at school, and be in an area i felt comfortable in.  i had decided firmly that going with the seattle team of flourishing families was out of the question - too big, too unknown, too long, and too far.  

and yet there i sat in the interview telling them that although i applied for provo, i was equally interested in seattle opportunities.  i knew what i was saying, and it horrified me!  but i couldn't stop myself.  it was like being in a bad dream, one where you know what's happening and don't like it one bit, and yet you have no power whatsoever to stop it from happening.  it's really the experience i'm interested in more than the place, i said.  yeah right.  i was terrified of seattle.

i agonized the entire walk home.  hopefully, i wished, they would discard that statement as only an afterthought.  why did i even say it?  am i absolutely insane?  

i tried my best to dismiss the interview and let things play out.

several weeks passed and i received an email from the flourishing families project coordinators.  we are pleased to congratulate you on your acceptance to the flourishing families project - seattle team.  i'm almost embarrassed to admit i cried for ten minutes before coming out of my room and announcing my good news.  

but as i walked home from my internship preparation course tonight, i had a strange feeling.  the snow makes everything absolutely quiet, absolutely still.  it makes it easier to think on the walk home in the twilight.  and i thought, maybe this is another cinderella ball.  

life changing, certainly.

true, if i think about moving to seattle right now, i still panic.  but i don't have emotional breakdowns if i focus on the one day before me.  a twenty-four hour period.  an article summary, an email to my assigned professor.  today, i can do that.

and today was the first day this winter that i was infinitely grateful for how quiet the snow makes a busy campus.

i'm appreciative of my belief that nothing is coincidental - despite the panic of an unexpected adventure.