my cookie reminder.

okay. so.
cookies.

first off, i feel i ought to give a little explanation about how i came to eat the way i do, or rather, how i came to not eat the things i don't.  actually, the how i came to and why i do now are slightly different stories.  this isn't in full, mind you.  that's for another day. but to give a little background on both... (before we have cookies)

i was fourteen years old.  young, for someone with a severe chronic illness.  the doctor's visits had started years before, a journey jump-stared with headaches and general practitioners and leading to more alternative means of health care as symptoms widened and worsened.  then one night, at the age of fourteen, i snapped.  i sat on the bathroom floor, door locked, crouched on my knees, and sobbed.

this definitely wasn't the first time.  but i remember cyring this night more than any of the others.  i remember because this was my turning point. my tipping grain of rice.  my rock bottom.

after the hysterics passed and i couldn't shake more tears out, i was usually too exhausted to think.  but tonight the tears simply wouldn't. stop. coming.  my spirit and mind rebelled against the prison my body was turning into.  inside myself i screamed, i just can't live like this! i won't live like this!


and that was it. i stopped crying. i realized i wasn't willing to live a lifetime in constant pain. so i wouldn't. i wanted to be able to do all the things other kids my age could do.  so i would.  in a moment, it was all that simple.  it didn't matter what the professionals told me i  would never be able to do while living with in this 'condition.'  i would find a way. in that small moment, i knew there would be a way provided {see 1 nephi 3:7}.

the next day, my mother and i spent hours completely revamping my diet, sleep habits, and exercise (a note on my mother. she's incredible. i would still be sick if she wasn't exactly as she is).  she showed me the book "the healing power of whole foods," by beth loiselle.  a book that helped change my life completely.  starting that day, the 25th of october, 2004, i stopped eating almost all processed foods.  whole foods only.  no sugar (not even honey. not even in tomato sauce).  i discovered that if i ate sugar, it made all my nasty symptoms return with a whoop.  not at first, but over time.  i can honestly say i  was as close to perfect as was teenage-girl possible for a solid year - the most healing year of my life.

i have my own little mental celebration on the 25th of october every year for the day i discovered my will power.  but i'm getting beside the point. it's been up and down from there, obviously.  but mostly up, and continually up.  that's what's important.

so.  cookies.
this summer, i've been eating mostly raw foods - a step even further in the healing direction.  three weeks.  probably the longest i've been without any sugar since that 2004 year.... until this weekend. i splurged.  granted, the cookies i made were vegan, whole-wheat, and sweetened with evaporated cane sugar (still sugar, don't be deceived, but maybe a smidgen better than that white stuff).

they were monster cookies.
peanut-butter, oatmeal, chocolate-chip, m&m monster cookies.

sometimes, you just need a cookie.  it had been an awful weekend. so... i ate them.  my roommate had two. my relief society presidency took five or six... and the rest of them, i ate.  it took me three days (only three days, oh my goodness gracious).

i do this every once in a while.  for some reason, my body feels like it needs to remind itself why i eat the way i do by showing me how i feel when i eat the way i shouldn't.  i remember now. i remember that i don't like headaches (or stomachaches).  i remember that i don't like to feel like i'm going to die when i run.  i remember that i like to be able to sleep and wake up on time.

and i remember now that what i eat makes such a difference.

ps. they really were fabulous cookies (if you don't eat the whole batch).  if you'd like the recipe i used, i'll post it, too!