reaching for my pencils.

i'm realizing it more and more lately: art is in my blood.

since finishing school, i feel i've been searching for something.  something more than just a thing to fill my time with.  i have plenty of those.  something different than a look how much i accomplished thing.  i was searching for an outlet of sorts.  there were things inside me that needed to be let out, needed to run rampant and have their say, needed to be expressed, demanded attention.  and i needed a thing with which to give them voice.

i've seen this happen to my sisters.  several years after lori was married, her cooking and baking became more than just food on the table, more than just giving her family the respect of a beautiful meal.  it became creation, expression and love.  several years after mindy was married, she started running - really running.  working out became her outlet, her go-to.

i love to make food, i really do.  but when it comes down to it, i'll admit my relationship with food is still at quite a love-hate stage.  pouring myself into creating food isn't satisfying my hunger to express lately.  and while working out it one of the few things i can absolutely whole-heartedly count on to put me in a good mood and stabilize me for the remainder of the day, i don't have a magnificent drive for it.

and then there's my art.  my art that i vowed i wouldn't give up if i decided not to make it my career and then promptly put it away for more than two solid years.  my art that draws so much out of me, has the capacity to take what's inside and make it physical.  my art that feels so rusty, feels so far away.  but it's been coming back of late.  after three full-body sketches i finally hit my groove.  true, i'm not near where i used to be as far as creative skill.  i can't put the things in my head on paper the same way i could several years ago.

but i think i'm moving with a different motive now.  i'm not trying to capture perfect replicas anymore and really i'm not trying to get back to where i used to be with art because i'm no longer that same person.  i don't really expect to produce anything of similar scale or quality because i anticipate my art will be taking an entirely new direction.  i'm a new person, it's a new medium to me in this phase of life.


i haven't been artsing continuously lately.  but i plan to try.  i plan to be more comfortable expressing with that medium.  that's the goal of late.



and then there's something swimming around in the back of my head about eating less sugar for the sake of the pain in my neck and inflammation and chard and kale and folic acid and omega threes and how food is something i don't want to have too much of a fascination with at the moment because i know the tweaking i'm going to do is going to make me slightly uncomfortable.  although i do love kale.

i also love a darn good frozen yogurt with candy bar pieces on it.
but really, i'm about at the point that i'd do anything to get the pain in my head and jaw to stop.  so... omega threes and folic acid, here i come.

farewell, espresso-less frappe.

...a sleeping in day

1. i love waking up in the morning and reading three chapters before i even get out of bed. {i better finish the hunger games series pretty soon because it's taking all my time!}
2. i love increasing the amount on the weight machines - an experience i've never had until now.  i love feeling strong and capable.
3. i love my blue-and-white checkered tablecloth.
4. i love my face free from makeup.  not thinking about smearing my mascara when i wipe my eyes.
5. i love homemade bread - it's a testament sitting on the counter that i'm learning, that i'm doing the things i always wanted to, that i can give my family healthy good food.
6. i love my days off - filled with things i ought to do, but with no guilt when mostly i just cook yummy things and read all day.
7. i love the clouded skies {when they aren't so thick the air strangles me}.  the highlights around the edges remind me of heaven.
8. i love my workout partner.  i wouldn't be this far along with my goals if not for him.  our mutual motivation is exponentially more effective than mine on its own.
9. i love writing in colored pilot pens.  it's like passion on paper.
10. i love my little toaster oven: my salvation when the big one proved almost useless.  and i think i want to give him a name...

and the job hunting resumes...

i've spent the last three days obsessing about finding a new job.  i've become a craig's list job stalker once again - checking the new job postings every several hours {okay, sometimes more...}.

i've become determined to find something better than where i'm at.  considering i haven't made this little per hour since i was seventeen, the hours are something horrendous to my body, and the work is much too physically demanding for me.  if i were in high school, i'd keep this job.  and call it great, too.

but i'm not.

and i'd just really like to have a job that's less demanding on my body.  i'd really like to never put another yogurt machine back together again.  and really, i don't think i'd mind sitting at a desk.

so here's a little prayer to the universe:

please send me some leads.  please.  if i have to work at this job another month, i know i could... going day by day, but the thought makes me ill.  and if i have to i think i might quit on the spot, which never looks good.  so please.  just a few leads into something that's more manageable.

and might pay the bills a little better.

please?

to read or not to read: the hunger games.

i'll be honest.  the last two days of my life have been absolutely consumed with thoughts of the hunger games.  i wasn't going to read the books - child slaughter isn't exactly my thing.  but then... they decided to come out with a movie.  and of course, my sister loves it and will be seeing it in just a couple hours.  my husband loves it. and naturally, i'm more than a little intrigued by the trailer.  so... i changed my mind.

yesterday, i started reading the book.  within the first two chapters, i was already wiping my eyes dry.  who can make a reader connect to their main character that quickly?  i was completely drawn in.  tonight, i have less than a fourth of the book left.  but sleep calls.  after all, i've spent my entire first day off this week devouring the book instead of sleeping, like i planned.  now i'll be sleeping so i can justify eating up the last portion.

i really can't wait to see if the movie does the book justice.  they never do completely {i'm biased that way}, but the previews at least seem enticing.  here's to hoping we get tickets for saturday night.

my fingers are crossed.

and i think i'm going to go read one more chapter before bed....

goodnight!!

angry old man.

some of the most brilliant ideas come to me while i'm cutting fruit.  at work this morning, i sliced up a pineapple, mango, kiwis and strawberries.  during the first fruit, a man came by to complain {for the sixtieth time} that we did not offer free coffee refills and to threaten that if we didn't offer free refills soon we would no longer have the pleasure of his business.  i kindly told him the decision had been made for a 10% off discount on refills and there would be no further adjustments.  {although what i really wanted to say was that we could survive very well without his business, thank you very much, and would he please take his ancient suit out of the store and go pout on someone else's tables.}  after he left, i seethed into that stupid mango.  i hated customers.  i wanted him to take his unwelcome opinion and put it in his coffin, then jump in himself.

and then i noticed what i was actually feeling.  invalidated.  completely invalidated.  like what i said had no weight and could not sway or sooth this man at all.  to put salt on the wound, i had told this same man last week that we were rethinking our refill policies {which we were}.  however, my manager decided against grossly discounting customers' second cup after i'd talked to the man.  then the man talked to my manager and told him that i said that he could have a free refill.  {again, invalidation.}

by this point in my train of thought, i'd moved on to the second fruit.  and while cutting the second fruit, i realized that if i was feeling invalidated, there was something i could do about it.  my emotional state, confidence, security and safety did not depend on that brat of a man.

so i started slicing strawberries faster.  and with each stroke, i told myself

i am divine.

i am a daughter of God.  and that means i'm royalty.  and that means i matter - a lot.

i can be happy no matter where i am or what i'm doing.

my emotions are a decision and i can choose not to be frustrated and let that man ruin my day.

i am beautiful.

i am worth it.

i am working for my family and providing a way for us to live our dreams.  and that's important.

by the fourth fruit, i was mostly happy.  and an hour later, i was smiling.

small victories are sometimes the best part of the day.

also, next time that man complains to me i'm going to tell him to take his homemade coffee and sit inside the starbucks next door if he's not going to buy anything.  when i get old, i want to be nothing like him.

sunday

today, i'm grateful for my husband, who is always willing to work through things with me until i feel better and have a plan of attack for the future.

today, i'm grateful for sundays with long naps, left-over carrot cake and spiritual renewal.

i'm grateful for pajamas,
and cardigans,
and window panes that keep out the wind.

i'm grateful for yellow rugs,
clean cold water,
and for fablehaven {which keeps my imagination alive}.

i'm grateful that my ears didn't close up although i haven't worn earrings in about two weeks.

and i'm grateful for a blue-and-white-checkered tablecloth that feels like home.

today, i'm mostly grateful for the rest that sunday brings.  for it's calm, it's restoration, and it's safety.

in search of serenity

after crawling into bed last night {as i said i was so excited to do} i realized that my blog told me i posted twice yesterday.  after spending several minutes thinking about whether or not i was insane, i realized what happened:  on the sixteenth, i came home from work, spent a few minutes browsing other blogs, wrote up a blog post of my own and pressed go.  i didn't realize that night that it had been posted several minutes after midnight - making it appear as though it were posted on the seventeenth.  then, on the real seventeenth, i came home from work, used self control and did not read other blogs before posting, and pressed go several minutes before midnight.  thus, i posted on both ends of the same day.

and that's life lately, working my job.  my job isn't bad, but sometimes it keeps me up frustratingly late.  and sometimes it makes me get out of bed irritatingly early.  and, truth is my body isn't liking the inconsistency of that schedule very much.  it isn't liking it very much at all.  tonight, while going over the weekly schedule with taylor, we realized that in order to get a sane amount of sleep we'd need to go to bed at nine sunday through friday night.  {as you see, tonight's already shot.}  then we realized that half those days, we already have obligations that run until around eleven at night.  and basically that means another week of hardly any sleep, long work hours, late nights and early mornings.  honestly, i don't know how it's going to work.

i've set up some good things tonight to help myself feel a little more on top of life.  like setting up new boundaries so i'm not care-taking and so i can have my needs met.  like checking in daily with how my self-talk and thought patterns are doing.  things like that to help move me along the path of feeling more ... sane.

also, this week's going to have a lot less sugar in it.  thankfully.

the point is, since work's started, i've felt pretty crazy.  some days my life feels pretty manageable.  some days i feel like i'm okay - on top of things for the most part.  and then it gets to be night-time and i start to have a mental melt-down about how i'm too tired to work in the morning, my feet hurt, my head hurts, i haven't gotten anything done i needed to on my day off.... yada yada yada...

i have a difficult time living in an unruly schedule, and that's the way work's been.  up by five some days, out till eleven-thirty some days.  so i'm making a decision to change what i can and accept what i can't.  which yes, it's a feat in and of itself to tell the difference.  but i can change my work situation.  or... i can try.  so try i will.  and while i'm trying to change things {aka, get a job that makes more money, works more consistent and manageable hours, and isn't so physically demanding}, i'll accept that right now this is the job i have and i can be happy and enjoy my time there.

after all, i don't hate it.  it just feels like i'm working more than i can maintain and it's still never enough.  so i'll work at the problem from both directions: try to find a more manageable job while also replacing that "not enough" thinking with more of "i'm doing all i can" thinking.  that's the idea, at least.  i have high hopes for the execution.... i think.

to end, here's something i'd like to be reading every day this week:

the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change.
courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

taking, as He did, this world as it is,
not, as i would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right if i surrender to His will.

that i may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

respect, haystacks and my husband

happy st. patrick's day!!

a little late, i know, but better than never!  i didn't actually realize it was a holiday today until two hours into work - a bummer because i got off work with a half hour left of the day.  but because i'm a believer that holidays MUST be celebrated, i'm going to celebrate tomorrow.  probably just by wearing something green and making some green food.  green smoothies...green peppers on my pizza... or maybe i'll paint my nails green.  or something like that.

anyway, on with life.  it's late and after a throbbing headache all through a nine hour work day, i'm ready to hit the sack.

today, i'm grateful for my husband's support.  today marks the first full week of my gym-going goal and he's been with me through all of it.  there were probably three days that if he wasn't going, i probably wouldn't have gone.  seriously.  i'm so grateful to have a husband who supports my goals and desires so much.  he cares so much about me and it brings more joy into my life than i can describe.

today, i'm also thankful for hawaiian haystacks.  yes, i brought dinner to work tonight. {yippee!!!!}  the norm lately has seen me forgetting dinner and just grabbing a smoothie or something during work.  this results in me also snacking all through work and the customer's left over smoothies and such.  which results in me having an upset stomach and teeth that still really want to chew something.  tonight, rice and gravy tasted so deliciously good to me.  it was satisfying and fulfilling.  aaaand helped my motivation to eat less sugar and more nourishing food this coming week.

i'm also grateful for my manager's son today.  his playfulness reminded me of the joy of simple things.  why don't i do a dance when someone gives me a glass of apple juice?  not that it happens often, but i'm just saying... next time i have a glass of orange juice in the morning, i hope i dance.  he made me feel a little more alive tonight.

and one last thing.  i'm grateful for an employee who {despite past actions that would suggest otherwise} told me that i had her full respect.  it's nice to be complimented and know that someone respects you as their supervisor - especially since the statement came after she'd asked me if i was a mormon several minutes earlier.

and now to bed again.  tonight, i'm also grateful for my bed.  on nights like this, nothing feels as good as climbing into a big cozy bed.

i think i'll go do just that.

i am enough.

it's a late night tonight.  i'd like to start writing and doing all my things i do before i go to work.  that way, i could come home, rub some oil into my sore tired feet and crawl into bed.  instead, tonight i came home and still have things to do.

today, i've been noticing my "not enough's" and shocking myself {yes, even myself} by how many ways i can tell myself i'm not enough.  today's prominent mental statements were...

i'm not skinny enough.
i'm not pretty enough.
i'm not in shape enough.
i'm not attractive enough.
{can you tell i had a hard time at the gym?}
i'm not funny enough.
i'm not a good enough employee.
i'm not motivated enough.
i'm not energetic enough.
i'm not healthy enough.
i'm not skinny enough. {again...}

and that's a load to unload.  it's interesting how i can say i like myself pretty well and then tell myself all of those things in the course of a day.  and a day during which i'm paying attention to what i'm telling myself!  the good news is that because i was mindful, i was able to contradict many of the above statements with some like this:

i am just fine the way i am.
my body is fulfilling it's purpose and is healthy.
i am loved and important.
i am responsible and do my best in my work.
i try to be kind to my body and that pays off.
funny might not be your strong point, but you have many others.
i can do anything for a minute.
i can do anything for a year.
i can do this.

although it was quite the downer to hear "you're late." right as i walk into work {three minutes.. that's all, really}, it made up for it mostly when my boss left and said, "hey, i appreciate you. when you're here i can leave and not worry about anything!"

that made working tremendously easier today.  today when it was so hard to get there, i am deeply grateful for a boss that {every once in a while} voices his appreciation and gratitude.  i'm also grateful to work with a funny girl who puts me at ease.  karlea is witty, snarky, and calm.  when i work with her, i come home feeling much less stressed than if i'd worked with several of the others in our team.  i'm grateful for her humor and positivity tonight.  she was a blessing to me.

although i am taking steps to become a more grateful person, i still feel as though the ordinary experiences that could bring me tremendous joy are escaping me.  i'm not feeling them.  not deep down, at least.  and i'd like to.  that's something that awakens passion in other areas for me as well.

which means that it's time to be a little more gentle with myself {and forceful all at the same time}.  a little more mindful.  to sit outside on the porch and feel the wind.  and feel nothing but the wind and the sun and the old wood underneath me.  to smell the cut grass, hear the chirping birds and do nothing but listen.

that sort of mindfulness sounds more restorative right now than any amount of sleep.  however, sleep will claim me.  most likely within the hour.  and that deep mindfulness will wait until tomorrow.

mindfulness sounding that appealing tips me off that i need more of it in my life {indeed, don't we all?}.  i'm glad a new week is approaching - it gives me a chance to evaluate everything.  sit and think about what i need more and less of in the coming week.  something i'll definitely be adding to my dailies is mindfulness.  a whole lot of it.

my muscles and mind look forward to tomorrow morning.

lastly, i'm grateful for water.  after forgetting my waterbottle at work today, the sip when i jumped in my car was heavenly.  i love water.  and after watching all those coffee drinkers refill their cups time after time, i'm grateful for my fresh metal klean kanteen.  yes, water is my friend.

and now to bed.
goodnight!

peace

tonight i'm feeling gratitude, passion, life, and contentment.

it's been a day.  worked eight hours, came home to look a little more into brene brown, worked out {hard}, made homemade pizza with my husband and scurried away to my bedroom while he attended an online meeting to write him love notes and read more brian doyle.

this is my favorite quote of the night: "I did not expect a miracle to happen.  No.  That is not what praying is for.  I was praying not to lose hope.  I was praying to be calm and accept what would be.  I was praying to be calm about what would happen.  I did not know what would happen."

and this: "But my heart tells me that it's immensely grateful for the whole unpredictable extravaganza that is life."

really, brian doyle is one of the greatest word geniuses that has ever lived.

after reading for a while and letting my mind unwind the gratitude started to set in.  as i said previously, my homework for this week is to notice the ordinary in my life and find beauty in it: to be grateful for the ordinary.  as i've been looking today, i've seen ordinary beauty in a few ways.  i expect the list to grow with practice, but for now:

i'm immensely grateful for my heart.  my heart that's allowed me to live, to run, to love and to feel pain.  i'm grateful for it's capacity to feel pain and joy today.  both together, because {as brene brown would say} we can't selectively numb the dark emotions.  i'm grateful that my heart has felt true pain because now it can feel true joy.

i'm grateful for my dear husband.  today, i've felt his wind in my wings - he's a joy to live with.  we've created a place of safety together, a place a peace and growth and understanding and acceptance.  a home like i've never experienced before: with a freedom from expectation, infused with curiosity and possibility.  a content home.

and tonight, i'm grateful for this time in my life - that i can sit down for a half hour and read for enjoyment.  that simple pleasure {one that was denied to me by my own self discipline and lack of time management all through my degree} helps me feel awake, relaxed and at peace.

on that note of gratitude, goodnight.  sleep tight, and make sure to keep a prayer in your heart tonight!