everything leaves.

i'm thankful for a washer and dryer in my apartment tonight so i don't have to be waiting at a laundry facility in provo, utah in the middle of the night.  it's really late, and my eyes are feeling scratchy.

leaving is a funny thing.  i've been thinking so much about it lately. . . leaving is good: it means growth.  leaving is tedious because i hate to pack.  leaving is exhilarating because adventure is out there! {pilot goggles and all.}
leaving is difficult - i don't want to let go, yet.

big changes are always a little tough to stomach for me, but this semester is a new degree of distasteful.  i've become more attached to here lately.  the people are harder to leave.  my roommates and i have all avoided packing this semester.  we've loved living with one another so much.  it's been peaceful, motivating, sometimes silly, and mostly just downright fun to live together.  my family is always hard to leave behind, particularly my niece and nephews.  they change so much between my monthly visits home.  it's hard to imagine how much they'll change after four months of being away.  and then there's the musician.  my consolation in this case is that i'm not the only one leaving.  while i'm having adventures in seattle, he'll be adventuring as well.  japan is far away.  seattle is far away.  strangely, i find myself un-heart-broken.  it'll be a challenge, but i know i'm in a much better place emotionally to handle this kind of challenge right now than. . .before.

i attended byu's graduation ceremony today.  natalie {who finished in december} is graduating, and the musician is graduating.  i couldn't help but think of the inconstancy of my life right now.  always moving apartments, always changing my address.  the people in my life coming and going so quickly that sometimes it's difficult to keep track of who came first.  everyone leaves, lately.  genni to home, ari to boston, the musician to japan, my family leaving home and leaving here back to home, sabrina to florida, me to seattle.  close to eight thousand graduates left byu this graduation.  the snow left provo, and soon i will, too.

i know i'm becoming repetitive.  it's like a circular track in my mind, my thoughts going round and round and round.  it's strange that it's not exactly bothering me.  mostly i think it's because i'm not the only one leaving. . . or maybe more because i'm not being left.  that was always the hardest.

there are a few things i have consciously decided to leave, however.  after debating.

i'm leaving the bathroom scale.  for me, this is actually a lot bigger deal than i thought it would be.  there's been a good deal of hype lately about "throwing out the scale" and ripping off all size tags from clothing.  i was never really attached to the scale.  okay, that's a lie.  i wasn't attached until last semester when for the first time there was a scale in my bathroom constantly.  it brought out more obsessiveness than i liked.  i've wanted to throw it away all semester, sometimes desperately.  for a while it became an ugly enemy - always taunting me, reminding of things i didn't want to remember, things i struggled to accept, things i feared i couldn't rid myself of.

but i'm through with it.

i've decided that leaving is a good time to leave a few things behind in my life as well, leave out some bad habits.  i've made such massive leaps of progress this semester when it comes to eating, health habits, self love, self confidence, courage, and trust.  although i've told myself that it doesn't really bother me to have it there, i know it does because every time i walk by i'm tempted "just to see..."

so the scale stays - for good.  in the trash, for that matter.  i'm leaving the last bits of that ugly disorder behind.

i think sometimes, in order to leave things out of our lives that shouldn't be there we have to actually physically leave.  an interesting concept - that physically leaving can aid emotional leaving so much.

and it makes me wonder what else i'm leaving that i don't realize yet.

or what i'm taking to seattle that i'll need to leave there when it's time for me to leave again.
and come home.

the countdown.

at the moment, my room looks like a six foot tall five year old walked in and decided that nothing belonged in the closet and everything belonged on the floor.

my finals are finally over.

the sky is cloudy and rainy {just one week of sunshine??}.

i can't find the packing tape.

i have to have all my belongings in a U-haul in two hours.

i haven't started packing.

i leave in three days.

i'm saying "i" way too much.

the potatoes on the counter are going bad.

all i can think about is hiking.  and strawberries.  and running.

oh yeah, and i ate eel last night - freshwater eel in my sushi.  also spicy tuna and shrimp.  i'm proud i could stomach them.  and if i ignored what they were, i could absolutely say it was some of the most delicious stuff i've ever tasted.

sushi = yum.

....i should start packing.

laugh

"laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face."

--victor hugo

music

hours past midnight, and i really ought to be sleeping.  i have a drive in front of me in the morning - quick trip home and i'm already on my way back up to happy valley - and if i'm going to stay awake on the freeway, i need some sleep.  why am i awake, you ask?  well, it's because of music.

see, one of the more valuable things i lost when my little green laptop decided to die was my entire {and extremely cherished} music collection.  i say collection because it truly was that. i had  music on my ipod from early high school {mae, all-american rejects, relient k}.  i had music from every good friend who agreed to a music exchange party for years back, things like taylor the latte boy and pink martini.  i had a unique section from most of my lovers through my dating years - some really bizarre, some i listened to regularly.  artists as random as cartel, sea bear, and the byu men's choir.  the disney song kiss the girl from the little mermaid, the intro song from mission impossible II that my mom loves to dance to, a massive chunk of sabrina's music that she was generous enough to share with me {sufjan stevens, lady gaga, the shins}.

i had never listened to quite a bit of it.  a large portion of the never-listened-to section was given to me by a boy with language that wasn't quite up to par.  this part i'm happy to be rid of.  it sat there going stale because i didn't want to sort through it to find what was actually good and what was sour.

. . . i'm getting sidetracked.

to get to the point, despite the fact that i hadn't even listened to all this music, and that ninety percent of it wasn't actually mine, it was absolutely a part of me.  this itunes collection told a story.  the story of my friends, the story of my difficulties, the story of my twitterpated fantasies, the story of my lovers, the story of my heartaches and successes.  it told my story.

and it's gone.

is it really lame that this is the part of my old computer i miss the most?  i had papers on there that took me hours and hours - sucked the life out of me for weeks.  i had lists of everything important i'd accomplished in life and everything i wanted to someday check off.  years worth of budgets, creative writing, pictures. . .etc.  and yet, the part that seemed the most me was my music - because it told my story.

"this will be good for you!" chimes natalie.  {as she's helping me sort through a package of music i'd given her a while back to restore to my possession.}  "a new start!  you don't ever have to be reminded of that one horrible relationship again when his music starts playing on your computer...because it won't be there!"

and i guess that's just it.  i like memories.  i like the good and the bad - knowing where it came from, where i came from.  music is a big reminder for me - of all things good and bad.

a new start really is a good thing.  i think it's coming at an opportune time, a time when i needed to have my memory hard-drive wiped clean, slightly...metaphorically.  it scares me to let those things go, i think.  i hold on to them tightly because they're mine to remember.

but the last while i've felt very. . . new-start-ish.

i remember specifically, february 13th, coming home at about 10:00 pm and telling genni, "it just feels like the start of something new.  a new chapter. i don't know why yet, but something's different.  i can feel it."

and then i think of all the things life's forced me {against my will, more often than not} to let things go the last while.  it's been quite the load.  things i've lost, things lost on me, people i'll never see again, things i'll never read, little mementos that triggered memories - all gone.  and i think, maybe it's a good thing, this losing.  some of those songs were the only tie left to certain memories.  when i listened, i would remember things i otherwise wouldn't be able to recall at all.

and maybe it's a good thing those memories have been bound to my subconscious.  i think it's a not-so-subtle hint that i need to move on.

because if i expect to give a new chapter in my life full attention, i need to let the old ones stay old.  stay in the past.

and maybe the best way to do that was to wipe my hard-drive clean.  it seems a little brutal to me still.  but i guess drastic times call for drastic measures.

well.  the drastic measures have been made, and i'm waiting to see signs of drastic times.

don't get me wrong.  things are swell.  yes, even abnormally or drastically swell!  and i want that to keep going. but i'd also like to have a little foresight and understand why it was so important that i lose all that music and all those memories.

because really, i'm missing all the albums of jimmy eat world pretty tremendously right now.
but then. . .i think i've already found some more than decent substitutions. . .

here's to future music. . .and drastic times and drastic measures.

and also, natalie just suggested that sometime i write a comical version of this post outlining all the music i received from each boyfriend i had.  man, that'd be a list, for sure!
and yes, comical is a good word.

but that's another day. :)
goodnight, music-lovers!

ps. my cat just ate a really big bug.  ew... second thoughts about sleeping with her tonight... ew.

the {almost} last day of class celebration

for as long as i can remember, on the very last day of school my mom would pick my sisters and me up from class and take us out to ice cream.  it's just about the best last day of class celebration ever.  it takes priority over parties, friend lunches, and everything else.  last day of class ice cream is my favorite. ever.  being three and a half hours away from mom, i'm always a little sad on the last day of class when no one's going to pick me up and pay for my yogurt {because believe me, this tradition will not die}.  luckily {not to repeat myself too many times} i live with a couple fantastic girls that believe in traditions involving good food and the end of school.  i'm driving home on the last day, so we're a day early here.  we felt safe to assume at this point that no one will die before tomorrow's over with.

mine's the one with the oreo crumbs, of course.  ari's on the left, and genni's on the right.  because frozen yogurt tells a lot about a person, right? :)

my beautiful girls!

ari and me

devoured!

we talked about having a little book club over the summer - we're going to chose a book we'll read to talk about when we get back together again in the fall.  oh yes, and we are officially living together again in the fall - one story up for an extra window {yay!}.  we dreamed about summer plans, avoided going home to one last night of homework, and talked about animal testing... and cats falling from buildings... and rats on the top floor of the swkt.  weird, right?  who in the world would have thought they kept rats up there. . .

oh glorious yogurt.  it was a much needed reunion.  thank you, mom, for the absolutely excellent tradition!  and thank you, roommates, for keeping it up!

basically, i love my roommates.

because anyone who'll stay up to watch confessions of a shopaholic and eat this yummy goodness with me is just my favorite.

ps. that's overnight oats, cookiedough ice cream, AND peanutbutter banana soft serve. one of the best girls' night treats we've had this semester!

a few things i've enjoyed lately. . .

rainy day sleep-ins

polka-dot pajama pants

a clean floor

running with my music up super loud

long talks with my roommates late late late

the color code personality profile

sisters who take my surveys in the middle of the night

brothers-in-law that say the funniest things and give the best advice ever

midnight yoga

my internship girls and their straightforward opinions

back rubs that bring me back to sanity

lunch dates that leave me laughing for hours

pancake dinners right before bed

all things mutual

curly hair + the absence of bangs

peace, after searching and worrying

really big quilts wrapped around me everywhere

hard work paying off {fulton conference second place!}

patterns.

the last few weeks i've been reminded that i'm not perfect - often.  life isn't crashing down or anything, i haven't had some massive humbling experience that will make me an incredibly better person in the future.  it's one of those on-going "this will make me a better person eventually" sorta things.  i've been quiet about my health for a little while because there wans't much to talk about - everything was incredibly {and blissfully} stable.  it was stable because my routine was stable - fairly, at least.

a few weeks ago, that stability was more than slightly overturned. . .gradually.  can something be gradually overturned?  maybe that's a really abstract metaphor.  but it was.  routine stability slowly turned into near chaotic living.

lately,

i don't do as much homework as i used to.

my sleep schedule has been the opposite of what i want it to be - meaning i've been going to bed early and waking up late, going to bed late and waking up early, and going to bed really late and waking up really really late.

running and yoga have been sporadic, at best.

food. . .oh, food. . .

my diet's been something like 70% pure sugar, 20% processed carbohydrates, and 10% actual digestable food.

i've been told that my room is a pretty reliable measure of my inner-state.  if life is stable, my room is impressively clean and organized - and it stays that way for weeks at a time.  however, my stress level, defined as the amount of change present and anticipated {thank you, family adaptation and resiliency for teaching me that life stress doesn't have to make me stressed} is directly correlated to the messiness of my room.  it's a positive line - and yes, it's usually exponential.

something like....

this.

so, that's a long explanation for one little sentence: i think my room is messier than it's ever been.

now, let me clarify slightly.  i'm not super stressed out - see, there's a big difference.

stress = the amount of change a person is undergoing.

stress =/ how stressed out i feel.

moving across the country + end of the semester + anticipating leaving things here i'm really attached to = a whole lot stress!

so, to get to what i wanted:

i haven't been doing as well as i'd like.  all this changing and anticipating the massive changes that are coming up soon has had me a little nervous.  this week it's caught up to me.  my neck has hurt more than usual - little remnants of fibromyalgia pain.  my clothes are all a little tighter than is mentally comfortable because my eating habits have been so off.  old vices tend to surface most during times of change.  i know this, so all this isn't completely unexpected.  and i've learned to manage it better - a week {or in this case, a few} of really off eating and a few extra pounds don't have me being intensely restrictive.  in fact, after recognizing how crazy my eating habits have been my reaction was very carefully intentional: keep three balanced meals a day, try to cut back on the sugar so i feel better.  it's difficult because it's still not my default.  but i'm learning, and i am incredibly impressed with myself for taking time to learn, instead of being reactive and restrictive.

anyone who's had a recovery processes of their own is aware of the monumentalness of what i'm doing.  recognizing patterns enough to stop the cycle is a massive part of pulling out of any addictive practice.  this is one really big "test" i've noticed since starting to mentally beat anorexia out of my life.  i'm glad i was able to recognize a pattern, and i'm glad that i've learned to react the way i now can.  it's been a process, but looking back i'm impressed with how much i've learned - even just this semester.  now, even though my room is still a disaster area, my health habits can all jump back on track instead of swinging to a different extreme.

overall, i'm a much more stable person than i was four months ago, or a year ago, or four years ago.  and it's good to reflect on that kind of monumental progress - especially when the going gets tough!

another reason i'm proud of myself today: i went to sleep at 10:00 pm last night, and i pulled myself out of bed at 5:30 this morning.  before my class started at 10, i'd written a paper, ran, made myself breakfast, eaten breakfast, and gotten completely ready for the day {aka, no ponytail}.  now. . .THAT is major progress, don't you think??

and we'll just disregard the fact that i only went to one class today because of how freezing cold i was. :)

speaking of, i'm off to find some really warm socks!

and make a crazy effort to deep clean my room. :)

i'm obsessed with the weather.

weather.com just became one of my top ten most visited sites.  yep. . .it must be spring!  i know i'm officially obsessed when the hourly forecast stays open the entire day, and all the weather websites start remembering my zip-code.

. . .75 degrees? please?  that's not asking too much, i don't think!

the musician

i met the musician last semester in a class that changed me more than most.  dr. day's advanced family processes: it inspired me to apply for the flourishing families project internship; it helped me find my confidence in my academic ability in the social sciences; i was reunited with a kindred spirit {allison barnes}; and i met the musician.

after a first impression, i was intrigued.  a typical upper-division marriage and family studies course at byu usually consists of married men with one to three children {disregarding the women, because i'm talking about dating, here}.  most are interesting and have their heads on straight.  they are also very unavailable.  the musician was not.  he was, surprisingly, single.

longish sandy hair he'd push away from his face, slate blue eyes that could look right through you sometimes.  he owned one of the more incredible leather jackets i've encountered, along with a messenger bag that proclaimed, "why, yes.  i am extremely cool, aren't i?"  it was taunting.

and intriguing.  absolutely so.

allison and i had more than one inside joke about this dreamboat boy.  i came across a page of notes from the class a few days ago that was covered with back-and-forth scribblings.  it was blatantly obvious we were paying attention in class. . .just not to the professor!  silly, i know.  but we were both single, idealistic daydreamers, and the musician was an ideal subject.

really, other than his attractive physical self, what intrigued me was his thought.  advanced family processes required a lot of risk-taking comment and critical discussion.  i felt more mentally stretched to my limit in that class than any other.  but the musician seemed to have a firm grasp on that kind of critical thought - his comments were important to the discussion because he could challenge our authors and professors.  in a good way. :)

he was a thinker, and it impressed me.

to defend myself slightly, i'm not creepy. . .or shallow.  at least, i hope not!  my interest wasn't just determined by his gorgeousness always sitting across the classroom from me.  i wasn't mooning over a magazine model.  in fact, i can remember three distinct times that he spoke to me, last semester.  and once, he opened a door for me {which distracted me for several hours afterward}.  allison had the privilege of mutual social circles - she knew his roommates.  so naturally, i also heard snippets from her.  which makes me both less of creepy and not shallow at all, right??

anyway, he's entered the scene, lately.  he's become a part of my life, right now.  so, he needed a name.

"the musician" isn't an entirely fitting title.  but to protect his identity and my peace of mind, i have to call him something.  i toyed with references to the social sciences because it's a connection we share.  i thought about some sort of byu-academic-related title that just seemed much to generic and typical.  "the social scientist" made me want to leave the story off the blog altogether {although i'll admit, it's something i like about him tremendously}.  "byu boy" made me queasy and put images in my head of the typical clean-shaved, missionary-haircut clones that plague. . .i mean grace. . .this campus.  and then i looked back over that page of notes from advanced family processes.  "the musician."  it seemed to fit, decently, at least.  it's what i would call him {in jest} to allison before i actually knew him in any face-to-face, real sort of way.  and it stuck.

so, from here on out {for now}, you'll know who i mean when i talk about "the musician."


because it's sure to come up again. :)