fine line

some days, i feel like this.

{it's why high heels aren't a good idea sometimes}

every once in a while, your eyes don't stay on the destination - or even the rope,

and when you look down, you realize it's a long drop before the safety net catches you.

{if they remembered to put it up}

i'm going to take off the metaphorical high heels for a while...

and request a parachute.

internship? i thought this was game night...

yesterday, 12:42 pm. i walked into a little office on the left side of one of the most beautiful buildings on campus. three minutes early.  purposefully - not too early, but definitely not cutting it close, either.  heels: not too high, pointed.  pants: blue and white pinstripe, wide-leg, high-waisted, made me look tall.  blazer: white, feminine, three buttons on top, fit like a glove - thank you natalie's closet!  purse: zebra; hair: curly; lips: red.

i walked into the office (smiling), and looked at the boy with the clipboard.  "ah, there you are!" he announced to the two seated individuals, a lanky man with worn dress shoes and a gal with long dark hair and a flouncy skirt.  {interjection: i don't talk about clothes or the way i look much, i don't think.  but when entering a mysterious group internship interview, clothes are about the one thing that you can control.  well, other than the shape of your mouth...the lanky man wasn't smiling.}  "have a seat, jessica.  we're just waiting for one more."  he instructed.  the one more showed up quickly - too quickly for my liking; i wanted a moment to collect my thoughts.  she was tiny, smiley, and pretty in blue.  she stepped through the door and without a moment's hesitation, the boy with the clipboard whisked us back to a small closet/room with an oval table with four chairs behind it, a video camera in front of it, and a newspaper laying horizontally on top of it.

brief (very brief) instructions and introductions were given.  the researchers (including the boy with the clipboard) would leave the room after starting the camera and handing us a task card.  we had exactly six minutes in which to complete our task.  "we'll knock at two minutes. open the door at six."  a card was laid on our table, a button pressed, and right before they left, they snatched the newspaper from the table to reveal an entire set of scrabble letters - face down.

that's right - letters.  we had six minutes to use all the letters on the board in the most creative words we could think of, bonus points for length.  {interjection: at this point you should know that this is not a dream.  no worries, i had to pinch myself a few times to make sure my mind wasn't frantically making up nervous stories about the up-coming interview, too.  nope, this is a real interview, down the every last Q and Z.}

we stared at each other - all a little shocked - for about 5 seconds.  30 seconds of interaction, "let's try for the longest words individually, then combine them and see how far we can get with those," and we took off.  "here's the Q!", "anyone have any great Z words in mind?", "RESPONSIBILITY, they'll like that, haha...".  knockknockkncok.  two minutes left, "okay let's just start tacking smaller words on where ever we can find a space," the lanky man dictated.

the door opened, the button was pushed.  "thank you for your time! it looks like you guys did a great job!" a new woman exclaimed.  "we'll let you know within the week if you've been chosen for an individual interview through email.  have a great day!"

that was it.

six minutes of stressed-scrabble-mania to decide the next year of my life.

thank you, natalie, for making me play scrabble with you more than once a week for the last year {exaggeration, but still, we play a lot}.

here's to hoping those scrabble skills didn't interfere with my social skills too much!




ps.  i picked up the hitchhiker again, today.  yes, the same hitchhiker.  bad habit of his, i guess.  convenient for him, i own a very polite car.

not really a punishment

balance is something i have searched for through this semester (now half-way in).  i've made progress.  i get more than three hours of sleep a night lately, and my room stays consistently clean {for the most part}.  i read my scriptures, go to most of my classes with almost most of my homework most of the way finished, and i play a little, too.  taking a critical look at my schedule, i am a pretty balanced gal - especially considering i'm going to school.  however, i haven't felt quite grounded enough since school started.  the summer was grounding - perfectly so.  but since classes started up again, the ground seems to be constantly tilting, slipping out from under my feet, or sometimes trying to shake me off my feet altogether.

i think i'm going to shift my focus slightly, for the rest of the semester.  i'm balanced - i think i've gotten pretty good at that!  but i want to stay grounded, feel like i always have my head on. 

so i'm grounding myself.  really.  to my room, to be alone with myself for a little while every once in a while.  because for me, being grounded (in a sense) really is....grounding.

pumpkin addict

i bought canned pumpkin in the stores for the first time a few days ago, and i celebrated!  i don't think i've ever loved pumpkin so much as i do right now.  i bought four cans.  even if they aren't nearly gone, next time i pass the grocery store i'm going to buy six. the time after that eight, and so on.  i simply can't get enough of it!  the stores always run out at the most crucial times, and this year, i will be prepared with plenty of extra pumpkin in my pantry.  really, if i had my way i'd want to buy enough to last until next october, through the very pumpkin-less summer.  but... that might be a little far fetched!  hopefully i'll save it up at least through the winter!

last night i had the most delicious pumpkin pie smoothie, with just a hint of chocolate.  i still have pumpkin muffins left over for my breakfast this morning.

but i need more recipes!  what's your favorite pumpkin recipe or autumn food obsession?

goals, balance, and food

so once the first round of midterms hits (byu classes normally have two midterms), schedules get so crazy that there isn't much time to think about what you're going to eat for lunch tomorrow.  this, for me, is a little tragic - i take a lot of joy in planning meals and even more in making meals that take me more than five to ten minutes.  this week was the beginning of midterms, but the first round won't end for me for another two weeks or so.  after that, i'll only have a few days until the cycle starts all over again.

so i've made a new little resolution.  i'm going to start making something exciting (something i've never made before) every weekend!  i like to give myself at least a little break on the weekends most of the time, and this will be a perfect way to satisfy my cooking-craving that i starve from during the week.  it should also keep my pallet satisfied - college-quick food has my mouth in a constant depression most of the time.  for the first test, i've decided to try vegetarian pot stickers and chinese chow mein, although i'm a little skeptical about the mushrooms and the bok choy... but hey! this is an experiment, so caution to the wind! right??

change of thought pattern, slightly..

i also have another little goal i'm starting today.  okay, it's more like a lifestyle change, i guess.  but that all starts with small goals, i think.  this all started with a post by loveyoulongtime a few days back.  she talks about the little things she does to show her love to herself (really, it's a great little post - you'd like it).  it made me think about how hectic my life has been the past few weeks and the things i usually do to remember my worth that have been sacrificed lately.  nothing huge, but sometimes small things count the most.

so i'm going to implement a few things and bring a few things back into my life:
i'm going to treat myself to eight hours of sleep a night (which will be a huge improvement).
i'll let myself feel a little more feminine and make time to paint my nails - pink!  i haven't done this in quite a while.
in this lifestyle, there isn't much alone-calming time, so i'm going to calm myself and have some very me-time with yoga - several times a week.
i'm going to start eating breakfast sitting down every morning - without rushing (fifteen-minute breakfasts - oh yeah!).  that way it'll be more than an apple out the door.
i really love to shower, and i love to wear skirts, but lately i've been in such a rush that shower time has been significantly cut down.  so i'm going to make time to shower everyday without rushing, and shave enough to wear a few more skirts.

now that i've realized how many things i cut out of my schedule during school, things that really make me remember that loving myself is important, i've realized that it's the lack of these things that make me feel frantic when i get busy.  i think bringing them back will help me feel more balanced and secure in my lifestyle right now!

what things do you do to bring balance back to your life?

ps. i've decided that once you start dating frequently, the inevitability of a really bad, awkward, depressing, or time-wasting date is a little daunting.  the pro: sometimes you get really great stories.... and sometimes you come home laughing and looking forward to your own apartment.

pps. HAPPY OCTOBER!

the hitchhiker friend

7:50 tuesday morning, and in a rush again.  i think it's probably a miracle that i haven't hit any frantic students crossing the street as i drive to the bottom of the stairs of death each tuesday and thursday morning, still half asleep.  this morning, in particular, i was more asleep than usual.  most of campus seemed to be suffering the same syndrome because there were markedly more late students speed-walking their legs off up the street.

two blocks from my apartment, i saw an unusual thing.  leaning against the steering wheel for a better vantage point into the cross-streets, i glanced out my side-view window.  blonde, tall, and weighed down with his stack of books, stuffed backpack, and lunchbox, a boy was walking further in the street than the crowd.  his arm extended, his thumb sticking up in the air.  i normally would have thought he was simply giving the oncoming traffic a thumbs-up: "this is going to be a great day, folks!  way to drive to class this morning like champs!"  but the pleading and rather desperate look on his face suggested that he was thinking entirely opposite thoughts.

stopped at the stop sign (they are on every corner from 103 up to campus), i waved him over to my car.  he ran around the side of my little green punky (yes, my car has name), opened the door and jumped into the passenger's seat with an enthusiastic, "you saved me life!"  all i could do was laugh and ask him which direction he was headed.  luckily, it was in the same direction as me - mostly.  preoccupied (he was doing about twenty different things with his phone at the same time), he explained that he was headed to the business building.  fitting, for an attractive blonde with a phone addiction.

he jumped out of my car before i had time to put the gear shift into park yelling a quick "thank you!" as he jogged away with his slipping stack of books.

i was laughing so much - at him and at myself for the silliness of actually stopping - that i forgot my breakfast and went hungry until lunch time.  no worries, the peach was safe in my car at the end of the day, waiting for me.

byu is a strange place, sometimes.  just when you think you've seen it all, the strangest things happen.  have you ever seen (or even heard of) a student hitchhiking four blocks to school before?  i certainly hadn't.  but i'll definitely remember that next time i'm late for class and without a car, the universe owes me ride!


ps. two exciting developements in my week: possible job offer (wow!) and a meeting with an art professor to review my knowledge of basic concepts and determine the amount of credits i deserve to start with (eek!)

good day! but... strange!  maybe if he hitchhikes again he'll put my number in that consuming phone of his?

minor

for the last few weeks {monthish} i've been contemplating quite a few very large decisions.  for example:

• internship winter semester or summer semester?
• internship in provo or anywhere in the world?
• ...which internship??
• after april graduation, what next -
• frantic search for full-time job to cover expenses?
• yoga certification?
• stay in provo?
• move back to st. george?
• move...anywhere else?
• LDS mission (which very recently became a possibility with the closeness of my 21st birthday)?
• if so, mission in january? april? later?

in short, i have been overwhelmed with the options.  naturally, when one has a list of possible opportunities this long, one chooses something that was never on the list to begin with.  which is exactly what i did.

art minor!

that's right, my mourning days are over.  i am now an official visual arts minor, and i don't have to cry out in jealousy every time i meet an illustration major.  true, this decision pushes my graduation out another semester.  now, the date is december - slightly more than a year away.  that's a daunting thought, surely.  but after considering all the many options in my life right now, the only one that feels right is just to stay put for a little while longer.  and to compound that, it makes more sense than the rest do.  now, the possibility of finding a paid internship (that i'll love) will be considerably easier because i can look during the summer without worrying about graduation.

i do have one concern: money.
but my reasoning is thus: money was the one factor that almost stopped me from coming to this university to begin with (which, i feel, has been one of the best decisions in my life).  so, if money wasn't a good enough reason to stop that, it's not enough to stop this.  money will work itself out, somehow.

i also have one soapbox:
a pet-peeve, of sorts.  it drives me crazy when boys and girls stay in college for eternity playing around.  they take all the fun classes, perpetually put off making decisions about their major and future in general.  i think this exemplifies the stereotype of my generation - the generation that doesn't know how to grow up and take the reins.  i am decidedly not doing this.  i realized this was a large reason for my rush through school - the goal of graduating with my bachelors when i was twenty.  but guess what?  i realized adding a minor wasn't considered playing around - and i can still have a lot of fun doing it!

so there you go.

i'm now very settled with my decision to do what i'm passionate about (study families), while also incorporating one of my first loves into my education (art).

and i can't wait to step into that art building.

with full confidence that someday, my studio will look like this.

perceptions of autumn

happy first day of fall!

the consequence of good intentions

it's tuesday.  tuesday implies an eight-o-clock class, followed by others until i mentally quit at 4:00 pm.  it's 8:58 am. right now, and i am not in class - again.  what's more, it's two minutes before nine and i am not leaving for my nine-thirty class, either.  really, this story begins about a year ago.

last fall semester, i realized something about myself: when most people become stressed with classes, they simply step up their performance a little, push for the perfect score, read everything twice, and so forth.  not me.  when class stresses me out, the most relieving thing that i can do is to quit - for a moment, at least.  i discovered this after waking up late consecutively for several days of class, always wearing a beanie over my bed-head, and going for more than a week without makeup.  then one day, i slept in past my class.  and it felt wonderful.  that's when i realized the benefit of taking a sick day to put my life back in order, instead of always being late.  it's proved an effective strategy, most of the time.  the only danger (other than the fact that missing class means missing lectures that will inevitably be tested on) is that i will become so stressed that i miss an entire week, or too many days here and there, resulting in a much lower test score than will make me happy.


last night, nine-thirty, i still had an incredible amount of homework.  and when you're stressed, the best thing to do {generally} is to exert yourself physically until your too tired to stress anymore.  so, i put the books down and took a light run (nothing too strenuous due to the large cinnamon roll at ward-family-home-evening).  after that, the best thing to do is eat.  so naturally, i sat myself at the table with my beloved roommates and chowed down on watermelon, chips, and salsa.  i have this little goal lately; it's called get to bed early.  and for the sake of the goal, i decided that it would be much more beneficial to my health to turn my light out earlier and wake up earlier to finish my reading [and my paper].  what i didn't take into consideration is the inevitable tendency my body has to simply sleep until it's satisfied, which (considering the deprivation lately) is a substantial amount.

now, my good intentions: early to bed, early to rise, right?  such a good thing.  i love that principle!  but i'll have you note, midnight doesn't qualify as early to bed.  i thought it might last night... but nope!  not even close.  i woke up this morning five minutes after the beginning of my first class, realized i hadn't completed the reading or attendance writing for my second class (and absolutely did not have time to do so), and made the decision to take a sick day.

i feel great!  not an ounce of sick in me [except maybe dark circles under my eyes].  i'm going to finish a little reading for an afternoon class, do yoga, drink a green smoothie, and curl my hair.  it's a good day, isn't it?


ps. i've been craving dill pickles and extra-sharp cheese. strange, i know. but they tasted sooo good last night!

i have roommates to back me up when i forget my camera.

my candied orange scones.  i told you they were delicious. 

for the recipe, go here.