i like this jessica better

first, the canker sore on my lip has officially reached the "people probably think my lip is deformed" stage.  not that you can see it, but it's drastically impairing my ability to speak normally... or at all.  ouch.  it really is pretty bittersweet that the juiciest sweetest plum of the season caused me to bite my lip so hard it bled.  and really, that line is not as metaphorical as it sounds or should be.  i really ate the most incredible plum ever, and i really did bite my lip and it bled.  a lot.

and if i said that in church, my sister would hold up a massive sign from the back of the room that read "TMI!"  but this isn't church.  it's a blog.  and on the blog we can basically say whatever we want and nothing is too much information, right?? ...erm.

moving on.

i'm addicted to baking.  no worries, this post isn't nearly as serious as it already sounds.  i'm not being literal.  although food has become the greatest excuse not to do homework the past two and a half weeks.  see, there were many things i was deprived of while i was in seattle.  {also, there's a positive seattle experience post in the making.  no, it wasn't all horrible.  just sometimes..in someways..you know.} one of these deprivations was a drastic lack of me cooking or baking anything.  that's right.  you know your soul is slowly dying and it's time to make some drastic changes when you go for that long without getting giddy over what's coming out of the oven.  or, at least i do.

but i'm making up for it.

in the past several days, i've made raspberry cornmeal pancakes with celestial cream, banana chocolate chip muffins, falafel with tzatziki sauce, and a massive batch of monster cookies.  oh yeah, and italien breakfast sandwiches.  ask me about those later!

really, not only am i enjoying food more than i have in well, a really long time, i'm also eating in pure guilt-free moderation.  disclaimer: no one is perfect.  ever.  but i've hit this blissful balance the last week or so between being healthy and eating all the foods i love {love and either have always restricted or binged on}.  it's this awesome stress-free mental food umbrella - being able to eat what i love when i'm hungry stop when i'm full.

it's strange, too.

see, i've had a lot of sugar lately, in retrospect.  and it's not like i've stayed at an ideal calorie intake or really been working out to my personal satisfaction.  the cool thing is that it doesn't matter much anymore.  not that being healthy doesn't matter, but my perspective has changed so much.  healthy isn't eating a perfect diet anymore; healthy is eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious.

and look at that.

without even intending to, i've worded what i've been attempting to put into language since the end of the summer: health isn't perfection anymore, it's eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious.  and it's being happy about it, too!

ideology shift?

i think so.  and it's in a really good direction.  so, i'm taking this moment to celebrate.  i didn't sit down with the intention to write about my eating disorder recovery, but that's what came out.  i've changed over the summer.  natalie said it best about two weeks ago.  she said, i like this jessica better.  the one who'll eat cupcakes with me and not care about how much sugar they have in them because they are so good!  that's paraphrased, but you get the idea.  i'm a more relaxed individual, now.  i'm more me, less... less obsessive and stressed.  because when i let go of all those expectations of perfect everything for myself, i became a little closer to the real me.  and that's the real point, here.

isn't it?

so that's it.  i'm reestablishing my relationship with food {and my own awesome body}.  and also, i love to bake.  hey, look - back to the beginning.  what i meant to write about was this:  this week, i can't wait to go to sunflower market and check out their all-natural meat section.  also, i can't wait to delve into a few unopened cookbooks to figure out how to cook the meat!  and because i love to see things come out of the oven i'm also going to be making white cheddar rosemary scones and chocolate chip apricot scones.  incredible, i know.

and i'm going to have some left-over falafel for dinner.

and the point of this whole post: i love food and i'm happy.

at the same time.

happy eating! :)

pancake saturdays reestablished.

saturday morning pancake roommate breakfasts - one of the best traditions ever established in my life outside of the my family.  today, the pancake tradition was brought back to life!  like i've already said, i'm so happy to be living with these girls again.  the difference between living with people who want to love each other and living with people who are decidedly indifferent is like the difference between living in australia and sibera.  and that analogy might only work for those of us who find the outback appealing... anyway, i feel like i spent quite a bit of time in siberia this summer, and it's good to be back in the sun.

to celebrate being all back in provo, the four of us planned a little weekend extravaganza. guru's for dinner {one of the best veggie burritos in provo}, pirates of the carribbean at the {two} dollar theater, and a few epic games of speed scrabble {with several new variations to bump up the competition}.  oh! and i can't forget the banana smoothies topped with fudge at one a.m. .... and the disney princess youtube videos.  yeah.

this morning topped off our little celebration when we brought back our weekend pancake tradition.  every weekend, we rotate making pancakes for each other.  this week was my week.  raspberry cornmeal pancakes with chocolate chips and celestial cream - yum? yeah.


lately, more than anything, i'm grateful for these people:

• erika {the newest addition - bio coming soon}, who is just as big a foodie as me.  we spent a solid two hours last night passionately drooling over each other's favorite food stories.  fresh patries in spain, seattle's best greek food, conveyer belt sushi bars, molly moon's worth-a-million-dollar ice cream, and beecher's cheese factory... we are two women who have a very mutual passion for beautiful food.
• genni, who gives the most amazing back rubs.  i love her peacefulness and her nightgowns.
• ariana, the provider of our speed scabble/bananagrams obsession.  beautiful, sensible and grounding.  i think our apartment would be more emotionally out of control without her logical mind.
• taylor, who is my sanity.  i'm also extremely grateful for the ability to text, to talk on the phone without internet static interruptions, and a much more workable time-zone connection.  he motivates me to learn and helps me remember i love the social sciences during my last semseter.  he helps me regain composure when i'm freaking out, and puts perspective on my decision-making process by reminding me i don't have to know everything right now.
• natalie.  who provides yet another layer of emotional comfort and support this semester.  living with people i love is only exemplified by the fact that we can't stay away from each other because we have so much darn fun together!  homework parties, excursions to the chocolate and the mall... yes, yes i love to live by natalie again.
• hailey, who texts me at night and always reminds me i'm loved from home, too.
• my parents - who take me out to breakfast and still usually answer their phones even though i call them multiple times a day - sometimes.

basically, i'm feeling loved right now.  it's been so long since i've been surrounded by people who care about me, and it just feels so darn good!

just as good as raspberry cornmeal pancakes.

2 nephi 22:2

behold, God is my salvation; i will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he has also become my salvation.

a month in review.

august flew by, filled with wonderfulness.  sometimes, i don't write because life comes at me too fast to process, live, and write about it at the same time.  sometimes i don't write because i'm in the depths of despair. but in august, i didn't write because life got so good it simply demanded my full attention!

the month started with the end of the flourishing families project.  it was a whirl, and looking back, it's all slightly blurred.  one thing i can say is i was glad to see it go.  it was an incredibly defining life experience for me.  and {as usual} those are the ones we're happiest to have done be finished with.  i'll miss seattle, and i'll always remember the experience.  i'll value what i learned this summer.  and i was glad to have the experience end.

only a few days after the end of my internship, taylor {formerly known as the musician - he has a good name, so i might as well use it!} came back from adventuring in japan to visit me in seattle!  it was a long-awaited reunion, and worth every bit of over three months of waiting.  after showing him some of my favorite spots in the emerald city, we drove to central oregon to spend a week with his family.  hiking, making fabulous food, pictures and stories and souvenirs from japan, movies at night and games during the day made an amazing week.

after an eighteen hour day of driving, we arrived in ivins - home sweet home.  most of the week in ivins was made up of packing and sorting... over the years i've acquired too much stuff, and it was time to condense what i was keeping at my parent's house.  besides sitting in a room full of boxes, taylor and i went to a play at tuacahn.  they did a great job of making the little mermaid enjoyable to all ages - and up-to date with a new feminist ending.  not sure how i felt about it.  we also made more than one trip to kneaders, ate at the adobe ice box, and i had my first taste of nelson's frozen custard.  it's crazy that i've never been there before!  after my first taste, i'm sure i'll be back for more.  also, going through all those boxes would have gotten pretty tedious {and probably have taken much less time} if we hadn't had a good supply of movies!  we watched mega mind, a knight's tale, tangled, and you again? {which was hilarious and so so strange}.

really, a week home is never enough time to spend with my family, but byu is like a magnet sometimes.  i just couldn't stay away from my beloved university.  thick on the sarcasm there.  really, though.  coming back to provo had its good and bad.  i was thrilled to see genni and ari and to meet the new addition to our fdl apartment: erika from seattle {go figure}.  i was not, however, very happy to take taylor to the airport.  the {almost} three weeks we spent together was happier than i even imagined it would be, and saying goodbye is never easy for me.  after i stopped crying, i came home, accepted a cream-filled doughnut from genni, and started to unpack - like crazy.

that was a week ago, and i'm almost finished!  the first week of school has me realizing i'm going to be digging for motivation this semester.

and also making cupcakes, looking under rocks for work, and reviving some old hobbies.

august was almost unbeatable, but in the words of dr. gibson "now you can take time to recover and enjoy it all!"  and i plan to.  happy september!

i finally love it here.

last saturday, my internship officially ended.  a month ago, i would have given anything to be right here right now.  but then the sun came out.

i've been packing, starting to clean, and getting distracted by beautiful seattle all week already.  now it comes to it, i'm not so sure i want to leave.  i'm realizing all the things i'm going to desperately miss.

like in the early mornings, the man in the gym that doesn't speak any english, but always has a massive smile and loves his grandchildren more than anything in the world.

the misting - there's no such things as sprinkling rain here, i've decided.  it doesn't sprinkle, it mists.  and sometimes that mist is so mysterious and beautiful.

driving down the 5 today, i realized how much i'll miss driving in seattle, too.  now don't get me wrong - driving in seattle can excessively obnoxious.  it's prevented me from eating ice cream more than twice this summer.  although i'm not sure if that's good or bad.  but when you're on the 5 driving south, the view of the city is breath-taking.  with the water surrounding it and sailboats blowing on the water... it's a sight burned into my memory that i'd die to come back and experience again someday.

i'd still never live here, if it was my preference.  the rain is just too much for me most months.  but my families were right - this city sparkles in the sunshine!

at the moment, my room's still a slight disaster area, although i think i'm starting to see sense in my madness.  the kitchen's still dirty, and i need to find a way to remove the nails in the wall.  but i'm procrastinating.  i don't like to pack, and now i don't want to go away quite so quickly, either.

it took a while, but now i really do love seattle.

gelato nostalgia

bring on the sun!
this week, seattle is sparkling.  i find myself thinking, "yeah... yeah, i could stay here for a long time..."
and then i remember the last three and a half months of grey and rain and freezing humid cold and tell myself to come back to reality.  really, as gorgeous as the emerald city is in the "summer," i'm too much of a desert rat to live in a rain forest.

this afternoon {despite all the scrambling to finish everything from office work and interviews to packing, moving, and cleaning}, victoria and i decided that sunshine demanded we eat gelato.  so, i put down my almost finished class-work {please, 399r, get out of my life}, she stopped frantically trying to sell everything flourishing families owns, and we took a little {hourlong} trip to wallingford.  which has within the last several weeks, become one of my favorite parts of seattle.  it's almost tied with fremont.

the fainting goat was good to us.

and really, how awesome is that sign?  definitely double points for artistic taste.  not to mention the incredible gelato flavors: honey rose, nutella, virgin mojito, salted caramel, and so so many more.  my tastebuds were tingling.

while in the gelato shop, "hello, seattle" by owl city came on the radio - a provo classic.  suddenly, a massive wave of nostalgia hit me and i realized how sad i am to be leaving this unique city and beautiful experience.  we spent the rest of the time reminiscing about the whole trip - start to finish.

also, this summer i've found a new love for waffle cones.  when you're feeling slightly indulgent, nothing does it like a waffle cone.

speaking of extras like that... i'm in a fight with food blogs lately.  because american women can't separate pleasure from calories and calories from weight.  and half the time the word "calorie" replaces the word "food" even on blogs that claim to be simply for the love of the substance without weight-watching connotations.  not that being aware is wrong.  i've been hyper aware of how messed up our food media is lately.

but who wants to spoil a good gelato posts with talk like that?  not me... so, forget that and let's enjoy that upside down goat!

{of course, saving that conversation for later...}

also, this was an absolutely great little tea shop next door.  i think i want that clock in my apartment.. because after all, it's always T time!  :)

race #2

i did a really ambitious thing yesterday.

i wanted to run a half marathon at the end of the summer - train while i was in seattle.  but... that didn't happen.  it might have been a really good thing - it could have been a good stress outlet, forced me to keep my eating habits in check, and probably would have helped me fit into some of clothes that are just too  snug at the moment.  but it also could have been a disaster.  it might have stressed me out more because i wasn't eating well enough to feel good while running so much.  it could have taken too much time, and goodness knows i did NOT need another demand on my time this summer.

but it didn't happen.  and really, there's no use going over the what if's.

but, now it's going to happen.

i spent the last month letting myself be slowly persuaded by mindy {who is my inspiration} to run the halloween half marathon in provo.  two days before halloween.  after all, who doesn't want to run thirteen miles in a costume?

yesterday, i signed up!

i'm not as nervous as i thought i'd be.  something about the enthusiasm of my roommates {who also signed up, without any running experience at all} gives me a little boost of confidence.  it'll be a good thing - a good goal to help my body feel strong again.

and i get to wear a costume!

this morning: 3 miles around greenlake.  it's only up from here! :)

meat

today, i'm eating italien chicken sausage, and a slice of turkey.  {both from happy animals.}

and that's a really, really big deal!

some days, meat tastes absolutely divine to me.  others, i can barely get it past my gag reflex.  but we're working, here!  baby steps...

also a delicious salad with grape tomatoes and banana peppers (my favorite pepper ever).

i've decided there's no way to politely eat a grape tomato...
or a slice of meat for that matter.

i'm just not good at politely eating meat.  and i need to work on that before eating it in public.

bon appetit!

wherein dr. day restores my sanity.

today is a glorious day.

today is glorious for two reasons.

1) i woke up to an amazing thunderstorm.  really, if you're going to be cloudy, bring the thunder with you!  while i don't do rain so well, i adore thunder.

2) we're going home early!!


really, it's just about the best thing that ever happened to me.  after vacation, i've been feeling severely ready to leave.  although i'll admit, i've found my love for this place {in a very sudden and large way}, i'm also extremely excited to be moving on.  sometimes, that time just comes, and when it comes, there is simply no sense in dragging things on.

dr. day understands this.  in fact, he seems to understand this better than most of the general population.  see, when he came in to work today, he said, "this is the end."  and he meant it.  no more dragging everything on for another three weeks. after this week, we'll be finished up with our work and after next, we'll all be having a party and heading home!  ten days left in seattle.

only ten days.

and that is very, very doable.

dr. day, i love you.

my long absence

it's been an interesting summer.

i blog, i stop... i blog about not blogging, then i stop again.

but i think i've started to understand why i just haven't been able to get myself to blog lately.  my sister told me last week,

"there's a time to write and a time to experience.  you're just experiencing right now."


i think that's a big part of it.  after doing everything i'm doing everyday, there just isn't enough in me most days to sit down and write about it.  it's taken all my emotional energy to DO.

then, there's another part, too.  this summer has changed me.  enough that i might call it an ideological shift.  according to social science research, those don't happen often in people's lives.  maybe once, very rarely twice, and sometimes people go through life without ever experiencing something that makes them question who they are in relation to everyone else in the world.

this summer, the shift has been rather gradual, but looking back now, it seems to override all the other experiences i've had while living in seattle.  it's hard to even put words to it... i'm just simply not the same.

it has quite a bit to do with my inner state of peace, with my relativity to others around me.  the fact that i know i can't compete with the world anymore, so i might as well live in peace with it.  it has quite a bit to do with deciding not to go to graduate school and to explore other options to live and love what i'm living.  it has loads to do changing the way i eat.

i feel like i'm still kind of ... grasping at air trying to put my hands on it sometimes.  which really, can get frustrating because most of the time i'm not sure how to live, now that the way i used to live isn't right for me anymore.

through all of this, the thought of writing it down has been a little ridiculous.  and yet, i couldn't really write about anything else because of how unimportant it all seemed in comparison.  so, the simple solution was to stop writing for long periods of time.

i've been thinking really hard about coming back lately.  back to provo, back to ivins, first.  back to school, back to the blog.  and when i've thought about coming back to the blog, more often than not i've thought about not coming back at all.  it feels like i've outgrown the roots of this blog.

paisley: my first description stated that i was the pattern - that during life, it always seemed so chaotic; it didn't make sense.  but when i looked above, stepped back, i could see the pattern.  my life was the pattern.

while that's a cute philosophy, it's just not me anymore.

i'm refusing to be a part of anything approaching chaos.

i've fantasized at times about never coming back to the blog again once my journey through school is over.  it's certain now.  the initial goal was to make it through college.  i'm almost there.  come december, i'll finish my last class and walk out of byu, for good.  after that, it's goodbye, paisley.

i'm not sure if i'll start another, but i have plenty of time to think about that!

i hope i'm back consistently, at this point.  but i can't be sure.  when one is ideologically unsteady, you never can tell when things are going to tilt off-balance again and send me into another bout of emotional overload.  but i can hope that doesn't happen.  and as long as it doesn't, i'm back for at least another five months!

the city of roses

this week, my focus is on keeping things simple.  i have a few big projects to get underway before my family comes to visit in a week, so cutting out all the unnecessary fluff will help tremendously, i'm sure.  it's also a big list-making week {to make sure i actually reach my goals}.

even though the idea of independence day in seattle, was thrilling, i opted for a holiday in another just-as-cool city.  i spent the long weekend with hannah's family {a fellow research assistant} in portland, oregon.  the plan formed a little over two weeks ago - hannah, gregory, me and victoria would drive down to the city of roses right after work on friday - not to return to work until tuesday.  the plan soon included brittany and victoria's friend ty {who spontaneously visited from alberta canada}.  together, the six of us made a fabulous group for adventuring.

because we're into list-making around here...

friday:  we made our quick getaway after office hours (our three-times-a-week morning work meeting).  sadly, the three hour drive to portland took us more than five hours because of holiday traffic added to seattle's unpredictable traffic times.  after driving through the city, we drove to more central oregon where we hiked angel's rest, an absolutely stunning view of the rivers and mountains.  incredible introduction to the trip!  already tired and hungry at 9:00pm, we drove to hannah's house where vegetarian pizza was waiting for us on the kitchen table.

saturday:  portland exploration!  beginning with pancakes {made by gregory and hannah courtesy of the bradford's kitchen} and filled with saturday market {which to-date, is one of the coolest things i've ever done}.  i came away from the market with incredibly fresh greek cuisine, a bracelet handmade from a danish tea can, earrings and a barrette made from spoons, a sunburn, and sore feet.  oh, and an insatiable desire for a coffee bag messenger bag, dreadlocks, and henna paste.  we filled the afternoon with powell's books {largest bookstore in the united states}, and voodoo doughnuts {funky vegan doughnut shop with just about everything imaginable - good and bad}.  as we came home, we realized we were in for a treat staying with the bradford family: black bean chipotle burgers with rice and black bean salad and pasta pesto salad - complete with texas sheet cake and ice cream for dessert.

sunday: sunday i woke up late {score for me - i only did this once the whole vacation!}, scrambled to get ready for church, and enjoyed an early sacrament meeting.  we hurried back to the bradford's for sanwhiches and to pack up some fruit and change, and we were off to the oregon coast!  ...with a quick stop at the tillamook dairy factory to supplement {free self-guided tour, free cheese, free ice cream}.  the day at the beach was glorious.  clear skies, sand, cliffs, and big waves.  we sat on our blanket and visited, rolled up our pants and played in the {diminished} waves, climbed through a tunnel, and caught some sun.  actually, the sun caught me - my skinny jeans only rolled up so far... thus, i now have the world's dorkiest three-quarter-calf sunburn line.  and it's not even gradual - nope, one straight line of bright red burn.  haven't figured out how to get rid of that one yet...

monday: HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!  truthfully, one of the most memorable independence holidays i've had in my short lifetime.  mr bradford woke us with the smell of breakfast: soughdough french toast with fresh strawberries and pure maple syrup, vegetarian sausage, scrambled eggs, and orange juice.  after breakfast, we pulled out hannah's henna paste and painted ourselves pretty.   then we packed our bags again and hit the road - back to the gorge!  the hike we chose this time was the most magnificent i've ever seen - a lifetime highlight.  after looping behind a massive waterfall to start, we trekked up switchbacks for {what seemed like} days.  coming to an overlook, we could see three waterfalls, only several feet separating them, tumbling down hundreds of feet.  after gaping at the sight for a few minutes, we trudged on, eager to see what other glories the end of the hike held.  after some time, as we reached the end of the trail, coming very near the edge of the waterfalls.  we decided to get just a little closer.  and that idea had us sitting in between the three waterfalls hanging our feet over the massive cliff while eating clementines, snapping pictures of our feet hanging over the edge and laughing.  we simply couldn't get enough of this tumbling river.  so we hiked upstream {literally on the rocks in the river} till we found an ideal spot for rock sculptures.  we built for quite a while, took pictures of each, brittany fell in the river while crossing to the other side, and we decided to find the trail and head back.  six hours after we started hiking, we arrived back at the falls and decided we simply couldn't leave without seeing multnomah falls.  it was an incredible sight!  tired and sore again, we drove home and arrived to moroccan lentil stew with curry and apricots inside half an acorn squash accompanied by corn on the cob, greek quinoa salad and macaroni salad.  after that, we enjoyed home-made lime-basil sorbet while playing mexican train.  fireworks in the park followed shortly after, and we ended the day by lighting off some of our own little fireworks and dancing in the street with sparklers.  really, one of the best holiday vacations - i'll remember it forever.

tuesday: we packed up and headed home!  and this time, the three hour drive only took three hours.

and now i'm back in sunny seattle, where it's finally realized that it should have been summer for the last three months.  that means it's warmed up - a little.  sadly, you miss what you once wished away, and at the moment i'm wishing the heat and humidity would back off until we figure out our dysfunctional air conditioner.

to take my mind off my sweatiness, i'm making plans - and goals:

homemade pita bread tomorrow
cupcakes and sweet potato casserole on friday {to celebrate ffp's thanksgiving in july, of course}
internship course all caught up before family vacation...

and last of all, get rid of this blasted cold sore! second of the year... which {i guess} really makes me grateful i'm passed the years where that would have been mild.

happy {finally} summer, everyone!