be still, my soul.

this morning, i peeked through my blinds and found my world covered in six inches of powdery, clumpy snow.  the kind that weighs the trees down until the blossoming branches touch the side walk and streets.  despite my restlessness for spring, it was magical all over again - absolute proof i'm becoming more accustomed to provo winters than i ever thought possible.  walking at the south end of campus, i noticed the ducks seemed a little more than annoyed at the sudden cold spell than usual, and i smiled.  i dealt with the snow today better than the ducks did, i think.

this weekend is a highlight for me {of the semester entirely}.  general conference is one of my favorite holidays.  okay, not actually a holiday, but it felt like one this time around.  having two full days to soak as much spiritual strength as i can from my leaders is a privilege i treasure.  especially now, as i have changes springing at me from all sides, it was more than encouraging.  it was restful.  rest that i dearly needed {although i hadn't realized it before now}.

i feel rejuvenated.  like i have the tools i need to move forward.

there are a few things that have been worrying me lately.  the future {immediate and far} is on my mind more than usual, lately.  as a woman, i have a strong desire to have a family - someday.  i want that family to be my first priority.  however, as my bachelor's degree nears it's end {thankfully}, i have a large decision to make.  to have a master's, or not to have a master's?  i've been the pendulum in that clock for quite some time.  i know i could thrive in that situation, that i could love that education and the career it led to with all of myself.  but i worry it would distract me from what i really want in this life: to have a family of my own.  i know the temptation would grow to replace that with other things.  it would become easier to be more self-centered, easier to be only self-reliant, easier to be too. . .independent.

maybe it's a silly worry - i know plenty of women who have gone beyond master's degrees, with and without families who are living their lives in line with principles i value.  but then again, i know my weaknesses - some of them.  and i worry about putting myself in that situation.

this weekend, i glimpsed a little rest from that worry and those decisions.  while hearing inspired messages, i received my own little peace.  the thought that i would know what to do.  that i can pray and go to the house of the Lord to guide my decisions, peacefully.

i still don't know what to do.  i'm not sure exactly the things i should definitely pursue {as more options present themselves}.  but i know i'll be guided by my Heavenly Father to the course He would have me walk on.  i felt sure {through this weekend} that being in seattle over the summer will be difficult, that it will be more of a test than i've even anticipated, in more ways than i've dreamed about.  but i know now that it is what i am to do.  i know it's an experience meant to refine me, meant to make me stronger and help guide my future - as uncertain as it seems right now.

i know my Savior loves me and will be there to support me as i face things i'm still afraid of right now.  i know He can help me turn that fear into faith - for the two cannot exist in the same space, like light and darkness.  

i also know i need to sleep if i'm going to wake up to run in the morning {and yes, that's a need}.  

i sat down to write about something almost completely unrelated to all. . .this.  but apparently my subconscious had other plans.

tomorrow, i won't be quite as deep! :)

goodnight, world.  here's to waking up to spring again!