windmills

Yesterday, i drove to pick up Taylor from the top of the hill on campus - as i usually do. It had just stormed, a good long one that woke me up several times in the middle of the night and continued to periodically dump down its bucketfuls throughout my work day. The sky was starting to clear in that magnificent way it does, patches of bright blue visible behind the billowy clouds. Looking down from the hill for the first time, I noticed them. The light was just right, highlighting the very horizon and the army of windmills that turned steadily on its edge. They glinted as if only a mirage, a miracle vision brought by the storm and soon to be gone with the sunset.

I'd been wanting a good storm for a while. The longing had buried itself somewhere deep in my bones (which was disconcerting considering I longed for a very specific type of Abilene storm - that being in my bones worries me slightly).

While I sat there on the top of the hill waiting, watching the gleaming power-generating landscape, I came to a conclusion: this storm was the answer to a craving, a deep-seated plea from my soul sent up the to universe, please... please, let it storm!

I've formed a habit of trying to meet my own needs and first recognizing these cravings for sleep, carbs, a phone call, some fruit or chocolate. I'm learning to recognize them, then satisfy them. I'm not perfect , nor do I intend to be, but I am improving. Slowly, I'm understanding that the more I give my body (and mind... and heart...) what it asks for, the more subtly it asks, the less it demands. And herein lies the solution for binging, over-doing the sweet and running on empty (for me, I believe).

That's my part - that's what taking care of myself means. That's the charge of my stewardship.

And the rest, well, just like that storm, I'll leave that to my Higher Power and trust that no bone-deep longing gets left unattended for long.

books, books, and more books!

my whole life i've been a one-book woman. i've never been able to handle reading more than one at once. but once i graduated, things changed in that area of my life. at this moment, i'm reading five (i think) different books. plus listening to chapters of an audio book as their released one at a time by the artist. to me, this is proof that my brain misses being in school. for my entire life (well, since i was, what, 12 years old?) i've been trained to think in subject blocks. now those physical time blocks are gone, it's transitioned very smoothly into the reading of multiple books at once.  good, bad? i'm not sure.  any other time i've tried for more than one book at once, i end up getting overwhelmed and not finishing any of them at all. usually what follows is a several-month-long absence of reading anything of my own choosing (which right now is... well, everything!). but this time i'm slowly chugging away at all of the books at different speeds.  but all of them are getting read - none of them feel neglected at all. which is different.

sadly, this way it takes a tremendous amount of time to finish one book. but we'll see how it goes. right now i'm reading more because there's always a book to fit my mood. always.

as a side note, at work today i'm realizing the therapeutic benefits of ripping scratch paper into bits. who would have thought?

foreigner in the lone star state

you're not from here, are you?

again, today i was asked that question. it comes up so much, i almost want to carry a sign with me that says no, i'm not texan. today, she thought i was from wisconsin.  when i told her it was utah, she replied well, i knew it was somewhere north!

texans have a funny habit of pointing out people who are clearly not native. and to a texan, a non-native is anyone without their drawl or slang. it surprised me today because i really couldn't tell a difference between the way i was speaking and the way she was.  but she was texan. and thus to her, the difference was absolutely obvious.

i'd like to come home with a pair of boots, but i can do without the accent.  people here say it takes about two years to pick it up, but when i was working at red mango, i said y'all.  i'll admit it. i was around so many old farmers coming in for coffee that it just rubbed off.  luckily, that's been gone again for some months. secretly, i have a fear of leaving this place in a year and saying y'all and other such texanities (like profanities... get it??) for the rest of my life. like an incurable disease that's not quite terminal. but if i'm being a good student of anxiety-reduction techniques i realize that i could just go to speech therapy the rest of my life and that might help me change or accept the texan that seeped into my blood.

hypothetical. i reeked north to these people, it seems.

the point is. it's funny that they recognize it so quickly.  all it takes is a few sentences and they instantly know i'm a foreigner and have been in these parts less than two years. like a sixth-sense natural to texas blood.


i was also informed today that after moving to texas, there is a 30 day period in which you must register your car in the state and a 90 day period wherein you are required to obtain a texas driver's licence. and surrender your old one.  that's right.  they take your old driver's licence.  seeing as i've been here more than 6 months now and i haven't done either of these things, i probably ought to.  but.... i just happen to really really  like my current driver's licence. the picture is great (which is big, considering how often i say that about a picture of myself). not only that, it doesn't expire for years and years! and it's from utah. which makes it better than one i'd get here by far. also, if i get a new driver's licence now i'll pay a fee, then when i change my name i'll probably have to pay another fee for a new one. not to mention the cost of registering my car here...which may or may not mean i'll have to switch insurance providers.  all for one more year? really?

a very large and significant part of me wants to ignore those requirements altogether.  the only problem then is the panic attack i might have every single time a policeman pulls out behind me.

eek.

maybe i could get away with it? ....maybe?

remembering january

getting ready to drive through zion to grab a bite to eat. january 2012.

the texas heat has me wishing it was winter and i was back in zion.  gah, what i wouldn't give for a little snow right now! autumn better be around the corner or i might shrivel up down here.

affirmations, vulnerability and self-love

today, i'm working a 12 1/2 hour day. and i only have 3 1/2 left. i hit the wall about a half hour ago.  before 3:30, i wasn't looking at the clock, wasn't searching for things to do... but then it hit. and i started looking at the clock every two minutes. and it started taking two hours for two minutes to pass.  and so i blog.  i guess i've been avoiding it.      subconsciously.  after all, it's almost been a month since i've really sat myself down and written anything worth calling writing.  maybe it's been longer...?

anyway, all that to say that my job as a testing proctor isn't half bad.  sure, it's a lot of sitting and asking for people's ID and waving metal detectors in front of people's faces.  but in addition to getting a lot of eye-rolls about our "airport" procedures, i also get to read. and to write (obviously... i am still at work).  in fact, i had enough free time i had today to read several blog series that i've been meaning to read for quite some time. like...months.  it seems funny to write while i'm at work because it's typically very stop-and-go.  i have intervals of three or four minutes of free time.  if i'm lucky, i'll get a whole ten.  it's always been easiest to write when i had a big block of time with absolutely nothing to do (including no interruptions).

so instead of writing, i started affirmation doodling. which is a very cool thing.  if you haven't tried this, you must!  i started with just a blank piece of lined notebook paper.  at the top i penned things i love about me.  then i started listing.  three things.. four things.... a few full sentences with descriptions of how i've grown the last few months... and then it started.  i wasn't writing on the lines anymore, some words were bold and big, others small and scribbled.  each word with it's own personality, it's own story, it's own voice showing emotion.  and i realized that computers can't do that.  they can't show you the emotion that it takes to write the phrase i'm afraid.  they can't tell you the confidence of a dark period at the end of a satisfying sentence.

i've been toying with the idea of art journaling. i have a giant journal, and i use it, but not as freely as i'd like to. before i put a pen to paper i start to analyze.  is it good enough?  is it creative enough?  is the idea finished enough to actually start writing or drawing it out?

it's the same hang-up i get with my blog.

it won't make sense.

i'll sound silly/naive/immature.

i won't come out the way i see it in my head.

people won't take my experiences seriously.

so what?

i've been reading about vulnerability and how it's a big ally to the belief that you have great worth. and those two create a perfect environment for connection.

...and i just had work to do for 20 minutes and now i can't remember where in the world i was going with that.  eventually, i know i wanted to talk about what i doodle-journaled today:

i love that i'm starting to do things (basic things) - like eating when i'm hungry and stopping when i'm full, cooking healthy food, going to bed early, working, doing my "homework," exercising - for good reasons.  i used to do things like this because i didn't like myself and i wanted to be a different person.  i'd do these things because i didn't like my body, because i felt guilty and ashamed if i didn't, because i didn't feel like a good person otherwise or because i was afraid of not being as good as the others around me.

and it's a good realization (like a blanket in my heart) that i'm starting to do these things because (disregarding my surroundings, my body, the people i interact with...) no matter what, i'm worth it.  it feels good to take care of myself because i love myself, instead of because i don't. i love feeling taken care of.  i love feeling healthy and worth it and (most of all) loved.  especially when i'm loved by myself.

because it doesn't matter how many other people love you or how much other people love you.  until you can know (and feel) that God loves you and that you love yourself, it simply doesn't make a difference.

and that's today's work rant.

go write a list of things you adore about yourself.  not just think are fine, not things that you wish you liked.  things you really love about yourself.

and maybe the whole point of this from the beginning was to say that once we can love ourselves and know our worth like that, connection is 1000 times easier.  a bajillion times easier.  in fact, i bet it's not even really scary anymore.  i believe that, i think.

here's to being fearless.

thankful

the walls in the house are bare and so are the bookshelves.  but i'm loving the new lower lights album, especially the song nearer, my God, to thee.  it's one of my favorites and they do it so well.  peaceful.  with a harmony i can sing along to.  also God be with you 'til we meet again.  that one restores sanity quicker than most for me.

tonight i'm grateful for a roof over my head and loving family who provide a secure fallback that i'll always be thankful for.  i'm thankful for peaceful music and chocolate.  i'm thankful for God and for prayer - that i can turn to him when i don't know what to do with myself.  i'm thankful that he knows better and that he has a plan.

and i'm thankful for a new week.  a new day, a new start.

it's a generous God who gives us infinite chances to take a deep breath...
and try again.

and the moving begins!

tonight, the packing begins!  we planned on starting to pack up our apartment about a week ago, but i don't think it's sunk in that we're moving yet (for either of us) because everything's still in it's place.  everything.  so, with six days before we have to load everything up from this apartment, move it six miles, unload it into a new apartment, and sign papers at both, nothing has been started yet.  tonight's the night.

loud music.

good snacks.

and the promise of a free redbox promo code waiting for us as long as we reach our goal.  or just another episode of merlin.  thanks, hailey, for getting us hooked!

i'm a little sad to leave this apartment.  it's been good to us.  it's kept out {most of the} awful texas bugs.  it's provided a free gym pass, which has allowed me to keep my sanity.  it's been big enough for all our stuff, small enough that i haven't gotten freaked out the few nights i've had to sleep in it alone, and it's fit our furniture perfectly (something we're a little concerned about with this new place).  also, there's a man that lives just across the complex from us who has a massive long-haired cat.  every couple of days he comes out, sets the cat on the grass in the sun to soak up fresh air, sits down on the stairs and thinks.  i love that cat with my whole heart.  and i love seeing the man pick up the cat when it's time to go inside, give it a big love-squeeze, pet and kiss it, and hold it the whole way back in.  that man loves his cat, and his cat loves him back.  so i'll miss those things quite a lot.

our new apartment might have a green wall (which could be fun).  it has a pretty iron gate around the pool covered in vines which i like.  and i'm not excited about the mutual-practically-outdoor-facility at all.  the day i get my own washer and dryer is a day i'll celebrate for the rest of my life... and so will taylor because it means he won't always have to do the laundry... ha :)

so that's about all i know about this new place.  we'll see how it goes.  i'm sure once i can find an affordable gym on that side of town, i'll be able to deal with any problems that might come up - a good workout goes a long way.

on that note, having just finished a workout i need a good snack.  happy weekend! :)

ps.  i found another thing i like about texas.  cool cowboy boots are everywhere!  seriously, everywhere.  even regular stores like buckle have a big section just for the boots.  before i come home, i'm going to have an awesome pair.  and really, they are awesome.  so many different colors and patterns... i don't know how i'll ever choose!

accomplished.

last week, i completed my six-week exercise goal!  in trying to build a healthy maintainable lifestyle, i wanted to incorporate several different types of exercise.  usually, i get into just one for spurts with breaks in-between activities where i'm not doing much at all.  so, the goal was to run/walk 3-4 times a week, while working up to a 5k distance again.  in addition, i wanted at least 1 hour of power yoga a week, three days of strength training and 1-2 rest days.  the schedule was a good fit for me right now because it allowed for flexibility from day to day.  if i didn't feel up to running on monday, i could take a break from the pounding, do yoga and be ready for more intense cardio on tuesday.  it was also nice to measure my running in "this many days per week" rather than miles per week like i used to.  after about week 3 of my goal, my hip and knee of my left leg started bothering me quite a bit, so i had to tone down my running and walk a little more.  the plan allowed me to ease into running slower than i anticipated while still being able to reach my goal.  because of that, i'm tackling the setback to my running with a lot of stretching and being mindful not to push my legs too hard.

so, all completed, here's the chart!

of course, this probably only makes sense to me.  but for the sake of documenting and remembering my progress without collecting clutter, i have to put it somewhere so it doesn't become clutter.  for the sake of my mental health, you know...

for a while i was just keeping the chart on the desk next to my laptop, but after cleaning i pinned it on the wall above the desk.  what i didn't realize is that the location was an absolutely horrible place to write.  so the last two weeks are practically illegible.  but really that's irrelevant because i did what i set out to!!

although this was meant to be just a test period, it worked so well for me that i'm going to continue this plan for another six weeks while i keep working toward building my running back up to at least a 5k distance.  i love incorporating the strength training and my body craves yoga.

i've also realized that my body does quite a bit better when i don't run every single day.  for the last three weeks or so, every time i've run three days in a row i'm sore and exhausted and it gets harder with each day.  if i give myself a rest in between (running on monday, wednesday and friday) then my legs are much happier and my body doesn't feel quite so beat-up.  this was kind of an interesting discovery since most of my running progress in the past was made during times when i committed to run 5-6 times a week.  i understand now why i felt like i was wearing myself out!

all bodies are created differently, i guess.  some can take 5 days of running in a row and others (like me, it seems) need more cross-training and a break from the repetitive pounding in order to feel good!

anybody else have good work goals their plodding away at?

btw, happy friday! :)

bible belt collections

greg laswell's doing good things for my soul today.

and guess what? i've added another thing that i like about texas (although i'll admit i don't love this one all the time, there are sometimes i really really do love it).

bible-belt road signs.

they're everywhere.  absolutely everywhere!  you can't drive for more than a couple blocks anywhere in the city without being reminded...

God is good.
Save me Jesus.
Come have a Spiritual Explosion!!

they are all over and they are such good reminders.  okay, the spiritual explosion one has me laughing every time i see it on my way to church, but most of them are actually inspirational - good reminders to keep God in every part of life.  these signs have me thinking a lot about worship lately.  we all do it differently, every single person on the planet worships uniquely.  some devote their life to scriptural text, others to christian rock music and some simply make a reverence out of going on hike.  although i do believe in truth, as in some things are right and others are wrong, i also believe in degrees.  good, better, best, if you will.  in some things, we are commanded to worship - renewal of covenants with God, study of the words He's prepared to guide us through life.  and in some things, we are simply left to find things to do with our lives that are right - find ways in our unique situation to worship.

for me, i feel closer to God while i'm hiking and enjoying the grandeur of nature than almost any other time.  music helps me feel closer to my Savior, too.  sometimes hymns and music of peace, sometimes christian rock or a simple line of truth from an everyday artist.

sometimes i struggle to feel truly worshipful at church but i know that it pleases God when we serve in his church and participate in the rituals he has created for his children so they can feel a part of his family.

in the end (or..beginning) it comes down to figuring out what things bring you (personally) closer to God and what things create more separation.  then, doing more of the first and less of the last!

and back to bible-belt signs.  i don't know what most of those churches teach, specifically.  i know there are many similarities and many difference in our beliefs.  but in the end, we're all believing in something.  and i love their signs, their reminders.  they take my mind closer to Christ, lift my thoughts out of the mire of this world that they so often get stuck in.  and i love that these messages are proof that people are (in their own various ways) worshiping God and encouraging others to do likewise.

in decision, i'm going to start a collection of pictures: my favorite signs from that time i lived in the bible belt.

oh yeah. that's still now.  i better start carrying my camera everywhere.

now, for your listening pleasure, some greg laswell.  enjoy :)

an interview

it's storming again in texas.  the last two days it's been all thunder, lightning and humidity, and tonight it's still a steady pitter-patter and pounding.  despite the rain, the moths still flop around trying to find a dry patch of air and the monster-crickets still chirp on.  sadly, the storms can't even control the bugs.

it's been a day.  a long day where at the end i'm grateful i can sit on my couch, eat a peanut butter cookie and watch the downpour from the safety of a second-story apartment and a sliding-glass door.

this morning i interviewed for a job (first, driving with taylor to an appointment so i could take the car).  he helped talk me through some questions - which has become fairly standard before interviews these days.  it helps.  by the time he jumps out of the car and wishes me luck, i feel confident, competent and somewhat calm.  a great run this morning added to feeling all-around pretty great.  as i walked up to the interviewing office, i could see that the interview before me was still in progress.  over the next ten minutes of waiting my turn, my hope for this job diminished slowly.  typically, there will always be someone with ten years more experience, or someone willing to take lower pay and work more hours.  there will usually be others more qualified and less qualified than me.

so as i tried not to overhear the woman before me boast of her ten years of secretarial and management experience, my little hope for being one of the most qualified slipped to ground and rolled away, leaving me with nothing but the firm resolve that i have something to offer - many things to offer and many things i can be very good at.

as my turn came, i walked into the office with a straight back and laid my strengths out for examination.  i left feeling competent, with little hope of being called back.  i can honestly say that i've never been less nervous for an interview.  apparently when i can actually see and hear in front of me that my chances are slim my nerves vanish and leave me with nothing but courage to do what needs to be done and surrender for the things i can't control.  it's a peaceful place to be, even if it's not making us any money.

after the interview we drove to the mall and picked up a few applications for lower-paying and more likely employment.  a girls' clothing store, a maternity clothing store... and back i'll go tomorrow to turn them in for review.


and tonight, i'm sitting on the couch making a grocery list and eating a peanut butter cookie.  i love texas storms.  i love texas storms.  i love texas storms.  and i'm competent.  and i'm good at many things.