what i've been up to lately

provo's getting colder and colder.  the mountains have been white for the past few weeks - not just a little dusting on top, either.

aaaand as the holidays get closer, something else is getting closer, too.

it's been a while since i've written.  and in that little while, a whole lot has happened.  taylor visited the first week in october, and while he was here he put a little something sparkly on a special finger {with my consent, of course}.  and i couldn't be happier.  we're getting married in the saint george temple on december 29th, 2011.

story to follow, i promise.

so lately, {obviously} i've been up to quite a bit.  in december, i'll be graduating from byu, getting married, and moving to a far away land...not quite as far away as japan though.  i've been trying to maintain passing grades in my classes {more difficult than it's ever been}, working wedding plans long distance with everyone, and generally going crazy adjusting to the idea of being a wife.  i'm excited, that's for sure.  and so at peace, too.

unfortunately during all this doing, i haven't been finishing any writing.  when i logged onto blogger, it kindly informed me that i had four recent posts saved as drafts that hadn't been published yet.  at least there's proof i've been trying! ;)  but i'm going to start.  probably not a whole lot... but you know.  a little at least.  which means more than once every month and a half!

also, taylor flies to utah in eight days.  and counting.

a few little weekly successes

yesterday, i was school-productive from eight am until six pm, and after that i did other very productive things that didn't have to do with school {big, big improvement from my usual}.  today, i got an 85% on a test that i didn't study for {and have an attendance rate of about 50%}.  oh, and i think i might have found a job today... cross your fingers for me.  it's been a pretty good week.  life's going a good way lately.  busy busy busy, as usual, but i'm happy.  that's for sure.

and a have a feeling this weekend is going to be pretty darn great, too.

tomorrow, i pick up taylor from the airport in salt lake city, and i'm practically counting the hours.  i'm debating going to any of my classes because i know i'll be so distracted anyway, but then... yeah, i should go.  i've already started a bad little habit of missing quite a bit of class this semester that i'm desperately attempting to remedy.

one hour of strength training today.  and it was a rainy day that reminded me so much that there is a massive difference between utah rain and seattle rain.  i'm glad i grew up {and am back} with the good kind.

i'm getting in the habit of writing again!

and also really loving peppermint patty green monsters this week.

excuses.

so this whole blogging a lot thing was really short-lived, huh?

i have excuses, don't worry.  see, i was really sick {see previous post}, and then when i started to get better i realized everything i missed while i was sick.  like homework, and lots of it.  but really... i haven't done a whole lot yet.  but i have been running more - and it feels really really good.  i'm remembering the self-control it takes to pull myself out of bed every morning before the sun comes up to run.  at least, i remember that self-control, even if i haven't quite unearthed it yet.

so there's that.  and... i've been catching up with my roommates because i quarantined myself to my room the whole week i was sick so no one would catch what i had and have to suffer, too.  on a side note, i'm not sure that was the greatest idea as it caused me to eat very, very, very little for an entire week.  which made me cry.  but i guess in retrospect, i was kind of too sick to actually get up and eat anything, anyway.

but i guess mostly, i've been too busy being in love to write a whole lot.  yep, IN LOVE!  so... i'm still going to be writing.  after all, it's my last semester and i have to finish documenting the journey that i started at the very first of school in happy valley.  also, this blog is looking a little blah to me lately... again.  so i might find time to do a little colorful tweaking.  good idea, no?

sick sick sick

sometimes, you're body just says, "enough is enough! go to your room for a week!"  and while i wouldn't really listen to anyone else telling me that, when my body does. . . i kind of have to listen.

i've been sick {in bed} since getting back from ivins on monday night.  a couple of my sisters were feeling a little under the weather while i was there, and my niece and nephew had been sick.  but really, it was nothing big to worry about - just a mild sore throat that stuck around or a 24 hour flu.

so, really, who knows what i caught?

i can tell you it's nothing fun.  last night as i was taking out my contacts, i couldn't remember which eye was my right eye and i decided i really was sick of being sick and tired.  just done with it.  however, i'm also determined not to confine myself to my room again.  the tower of tissues next to my bed isn't great company.  so i let myself sleep again this morning, but i'm going to finally unpack today.  do a few small things around the house... take lots of naps if i get tired.  make myself green smoothies, down emergenC like sick fish, and keep some zinc drops on hand.

being sick does have a few benefits:
instead of being in class, i was helping erika choose a duvet cover and came across the most incredible anthropologie sale i've ever seen.  yes, i'll be stalking the ups man.
i finally started the book total money makeover by dave ramsey and i fully expect it to help me change my financial life.
aaaand... yeah, those are the only benefits i can think of.

i'm going to try not to think about how much homework i have to makeup, and i'm going to venture out of my room a little bit {which is big, for this week}.

here's to green smoothies and cough drops.  i'll be blogging sneeze-free soon.

i like this jessica better

first, the canker sore on my lip has officially reached the "people probably think my lip is deformed" stage.  not that you can see it, but it's drastically impairing my ability to speak normally... or at all.  ouch.  it really is pretty bittersweet that the juiciest sweetest plum of the season caused me to bite my lip so hard it bled.  and really, that line is not as metaphorical as it sounds or should be.  i really ate the most incredible plum ever, and i really did bite my lip and it bled.  a lot.

and if i said that in church, my sister would hold up a massive sign from the back of the room that read "TMI!"  but this isn't church.  it's a blog.  and on the blog we can basically say whatever we want and nothing is too much information, right?? ...erm.

moving on.

i'm addicted to baking.  no worries, this post isn't nearly as serious as it already sounds.  i'm not being literal.  although food has become the greatest excuse not to do homework the past two and a half weeks.  see, there were many things i was deprived of while i was in seattle.  {also, there's a positive seattle experience post in the making.  no, it wasn't all horrible.  just sometimes..in someways..you know.} one of these deprivations was a drastic lack of me cooking or baking anything.  that's right.  you know your soul is slowly dying and it's time to make some drastic changes when you go for that long without getting giddy over what's coming out of the oven.  or, at least i do.

but i'm making up for it.

in the past several days, i've made raspberry cornmeal pancakes with celestial cream, banana chocolate chip muffins, falafel with tzatziki sauce, and a massive batch of monster cookies.  oh yeah, and italien breakfast sandwiches.  ask me about those later!

really, not only am i enjoying food more than i have in well, a really long time, i'm also eating in pure guilt-free moderation.  disclaimer: no one is perfect.  ever.  but i've hit this blissful balance the last week or so between being healthy and eating all the foods i love {love and either have always restricted or binged on}.  it's this awesome stress-free mental food umbrella - being able to eat what i love when i'm hungry stop when i'm full.

it's strange, too.

see, i've had a lot of sugar lately, in retrospect.  and it's not like i've stayed at an ideal calorie intake or really been working out to my personal satisfaction.  the cool thing is that it doesn't matter much anymore.  not that being healthy doesn't matter, but my perspective has changed so much.  healthy isn't eating a perfect diet anymore; healthy is eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious.

and look at that.

without even intending to, i've worded what i've been attempting to put into language since the end of the summer: health isn't perfection anymore, it's eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious.  and it's being happy about it, too!

ideology shift?

i think so.  and it's in a really good direction.  so, i'm taking this moment to celebrate.  i didn't sit down with the intention to write about my eating disorder recovery, but that's what came out.  i've changed over the summer.  natalie said it best about two weeks ago.  she said, i like this jessica better.  the one who'll eat cupcakes with me and not care about how much sugar they have in them because they are so good!  that's paraphrased, but you get the idea.  i'm a more relaxed individual, now.  i'm more me, less... less obsessive and stressed.  because when i let go of all those expectations of perfect everything for myself, i became a little closer to the real me.  and that's the real point, here.

isn't it?

so that's it.  i'm reestablishing my relationship with food {and my own awesome body}.  and also, i love to bake.  hey, look - back to the beginning.  what i meant to write about was this:  this week, i can't wait to go to sunflower market and check out their all-natural meat section.  also, i can't wait to delve into a few unopened cookbooks to figure out how to cook the meat!  and because i love to see things come out of the oven i'm also going to be making white cheddar rosemary scones and chocolate chip apricot scones.  incredible, i know.

and i'm going to have some left-over falafel for dinner.

and the point of this whole post: i love food and i'm happy.

at the same time.

happy eating! :)

pancake saturdays reestablished.

saturday morning pancake roommate breakfasts - one of the best traditions ever established in my life outside of the my family.  today, the pancake tradition was brought back to life!  like i've already said, i'm so happy to be living with these girls again.  the difference between living with people who want to love each other and living with people who are decidedly indifferent is like the difference between living in australia and sibera.  and that analogy might only work for those of us who find the outback appealing... anyway, i feel like i spent quite a bit of time in siberia this summer, and it's good to be back in the sun.

to celebrate being all back in provo, the four of us planned a little weekend extravaganza. guru's for dinner {one of the best veggie burritos in provo}, pirates of the carribbean at the {two} dollar theater, and a few epic games of speed scrabble {with several new variations to bump up the competition}.  oh! and i can't forget the banana smoothies topped with fudge at one a.m. .... and the disney princess youtube videos.  yeah.

this morning topped off our little celebration when we brought back our weekend pancake tradition.  every weekend, we rotate making pancakes for each other.  this week was my week.  raspberry cornmeal pancakes with chocolate chips and celestial cream - yum? yeah.


lately, more than anything, i'm grateful for these people:

• erika {the newest addition - bio coming soon}, who is just as big a foodie as me.  we spent a solid two hours last night passionately drooling over each other's favorite food stories.  fresh patries in spain, seattle's best greek food, conveyer belt sushi bars, molly moon's worth-a-million-dollar ice cream, and beecher's cheese factory... we are two women who have a very mutual passion for beautiful food.
• genni, who gives the most amazing back rubs.  i love her peacefulness and her nightgowns.
• ariana, the provider of our speed scabble/bananagrams obsession.  beautiful, sensible and grounding.  i think our apartment would be more emotionally out of control without her logical mind.
• taylor, who is my sanity.  i'm also extremely grateful for the ability to text, to talk on the phone without internet static interruptions, and a much more workable time-zone connection.  he motivates me to learn and helps me remember i love the social sciences during my last semseter.  he helps me regain composure when i'm freaking out, and puts perspective on my decision-making process by reminding me i don't have to know everything right now.
• natalie.  who provides yet another layer of emotional comfort and support this semester.  living with people i love is only exemplified by the fact that we can't stay away from each other because we have so much darn fun together!  homework parties, excursions to the chocolate and the mall... yes, yes i love to live by natalie again.
• hailey, who texts me at night and always reminds me i'm loved from home, too.
• my parents - who take me out to breakfast and still usually answer their phones even though i call them multiple times a day - sometimes.

basically, i'm feeling loved right now.  it's been so long since i've been surrounded by people who care about me, and it just feels so darn good!

just as good as raspberry cornmeal pancakes.

2 nephi 22:2

behold, God is my salvation; i will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he has also become my salvation.

a month in review.

august flew by, filled with wonderfulness.  sometimes, i don't write because life comes at me too fast to process, live, and write about it at the same time.  sometimes i don't write because i'm in the depths of despair. but in august, i didn't write because life got so good it simply demanded my full attention!

the month started with the end of the flourishing families project.  it was a whirl, and looking back, it's all slightly blurred.  one thing i can say is i was glad to see it go.  it was an incredibly defining life experience for me.  and {as usual} those are the ones we're happiest to have done be finished with.  i'll miss seattle, and i'll always remember the experience.  i'll value what i learned this summer.  and i was glad to have the experience end.

only a few days after the end of my internship, taylor {formerly known as the musician - he has a good name, so i might as well use it!} came back from adventuring in japan to visit me in seattle!  it was a long-awaited reunion, and worth every bit of over three months of waiting.  after showing him some of my favorite spots in the emerald city, we drove to central oregon to spend a week with his family.  hiking, making fabulous food, pictures and stories and souvenirs from japan, movies at night and games during the day made an amazing week.

after an eighteen hour day of driving, we arrived in ivins - home sweet home.  most of the week in ivins was made up of packing and sorting... over the years i've acquired too much stuff, and it was time to condense what i was keeping at my parent's house.  besides sitting in a room full of boxes, taylor and i went to a play at tuacahn.  they did a great job of making the little mermaid enjoyable to all ages - and up-to date with a new feminist ending.  not sure how i felt about it.  we also made more than one trip to kneaders, ate at the adobe ice box, and i had my first taste of nelson's frozen custard.  it's crazy that i've never been there before!  after my first taste, i'm sure i'll be back for more.  also, going through all those boxes would have gotten pretty tedious {and probably have taken much less time} if we hadn't had a good supply of movies!  we watched mega mind, a knight's tale, tangled, and you again? {which was hilarious and so so strange}.

really, a week home is never enough time to spend with my family, but byu is like a magnet sometimes.  i just couldn't stay away from my beloved university.  thick on the sarcasm there.  really, though.  coming back to provo had its good and bad.  i was thrilled to see genni and ari and to meet the new addition to our fdl apartment: erika from seattle {go figure}.  i was not, however, very happy to take taylor to the airport.  the {almost} three weeks we spent together was happier than i even imagined it would be, and saying goodbye is never easy for me.  after i stopped crying, i came home, accepted a cream-filled doughnut from genni, and started to unpack - like crazy.

that was a week ago, and i'm almost finished!  the first week of school has me realizing i'm going to be digging for motivation this semester.

and also making cupcakes, looking under rocks for work, and reviving some old hobbies.

august was almost unbeatable, but in the words of dr. gibson "now you can take time to recover and enjoy it all!"  and i plan to.  happy september!

i finally love it here.

last saturday, my internship officially ended.  a month ago, i would have given anything to be right here right now.  but then the sun came out.

i've been packing, starting to clean, and getting distracted by beautiful seattle all week already.  now it comes to it, i'm not so sure i want to leave.  i'm realizing all the things i'm going to desperately miss.

like in the early mornings, the man in the gym that doesn't speak any english, but always has a massive smile and loves his grandchildren more than anything in the world.

the misting - there's no such things as sprinkling rain here, i've decided.  it doesn't sprinkle, it mists.  and sometimes that mist is so mysterious and beautiful.

driving down the 5 today, i realized how much i'll miss driving in seattle, too.  now don't get me wrong - driving in seattle can excessively obnoxious.  it's prevented me from eating ice cream more than twice this summer.  although i'm not sure if that's good or bad.  but when you're on the 5 driving south, the view of the city is breath-taking.  with the water surrounding it and sailboats blowing on the water... it's a sight burned into my memory that i'd die to come back and experience again someday.

i'd still never live here, if it was my preference.  the rain is just too much for me most months.  but my families were right - this city sparkles in the sunshine!

at the moment, my room's still a slight disaster area, although i think i'm starting to see sense in my madness.  the kitchen's still dirty, and i need to find a way to remove the nails in the wall.  but i'm procrastinating.  i don't like to pack, and now i don't want to go away quite so quickly, either.

it took a while, but now i really do love seattle.

gelato nostalgia

bring on the sun!
this week, seattle is sparkling.  i find myself thinking, "yeah... yeah, i could stay here for a long time..."
and then i remember the last three and a half months of grey and rain and freezing humid cold and tell myself to come back to reality.  really, as gorgeous as the emerald city is in the "summer," i'm too much of a desert rat to live in a rain forest.

this afternoon {despite all the scrambling to finish everything from office work and interviews to packing, moving, and cleaning}, victoria and i decided that sunshine demanded we eat gelato.  so, i put down my almost finished class-work {please, 399r, get out of my life}, she stopped frantically trying to sell everything flourishing families owns, and we took a little {hourlong} trip to wallingford.  which has within the last several weeks, become one of my favorite parts of seattle.  it's almost tied with fremont.

the fainting goat was good to us.

and really, how awesome is that sign?  definitely double points for artistic taste.  not to mention the incredible gelato flavors: honey rose, nutella, virgin mojito, salted caramel, and so so many more.  my tastebuds were tingling.

while in the gelato shop, "hello, seattle" by owl city came on the radio - a provo classic.  suddenly, a massive wave of nostalgia hit me and i realized how sad i am to be leaving this unique city and beautiful experience.  we spent the rest of the time reminiscing about the whole trip - start to finish.

also, this summer i've found a new love for waffle cones.  when you're feeling slightly indulgent, nothing does it like a waffle cone.

speaking of extras like that... i'm in a fight with food blogs lately.  because american women can't separate pleasure from calories and calories from weight.  and half the time the word "calorie" replaces the word "food" even on blogs that claim to be simply for the love of the substance without weight-watching connotations.  not that being aware is wrong.  i've been hyper aware of how messed up our food media is lately.

but who wants to spoil a good gelato posts with talk like that?  not me... so, forget that and let's enjoy that upside down goat!

{of course, saving that conversation for later...}

also, this was an absolutely great little tea shop next door.  i think i want that clock in my apartment.. because after all, it's always T time!  :)

race #2

i did a really ambitious thing yesterday.

i wanted to run a half marathon at the end of the summer - train while i was in seattle.  but... that didn't happen.  it might have been a really good thing - it could have been a good stress outlet, forced me to keep my eating habits in check, and probably would have helped me fit into some of clothes that are just too  snug at the moment.  but it also could have been a disaster.  it might have stressed me out more because i wasn't eating well enough to feel good while running so much.  it could have taken too much time, and goodness knows i did NOT need another demand on my time this summer.

but it didn't happen.  and really, there's no use going over the what if's.

but, now it's going to happen.

i spent the last month letting myself be slowly persuaded by mindy {who is my inspiration} to run the halloween half marathon in provo.  two days before halloween.  after all, who doesn't want to run thirteen miles in a costume?

yesterday, i signed up!

i'm not as nervous as i thought i'd be.  something about the enthusiasm of my roommates {who also signed up, without any running experience at all} gives me a little boost of confidence.  it'll be a good thing - a good goal to help my body feel strong again.

and i get to wear a costume!

this morning: 3 miles around greenlake.  it's only up from here! :)