fat talk

i was re-reading a few of my favorite posts from the brunette bombshell on body image, eating disorder recovery and food, when i came across this video.  sure, it's a few years old.  but it gave me goosebumps.  it has me thinking of how many times i let the way i look {or my perception of my appearance} dictate my actions.  this week i'll be more aware of what i say and think.  i don't want to be one of the many perpetuating a culture in which losing weight is the ultimate goal.

bb&b and some captain america

every once in a while, my husband will call from the front room something like "you have to come look at this!"  this captain america comic is one of my favorites of his finds yet.  someday i'm going to either buy or make a really massive reproduction and hang it on the wall in my living room.  really.  i love it that much.

also, i probably love it that much because we watched captain america this last weekend.  fantastic movie, really.  it's fun, smart, and the characters are just flat out good.  and that's my favorite thing about it: characters that make you think yeah, i wanna be more like that.

as part of the same date {sub shopping and a movie for dinner and a movie}, we went to bed, bath, and beyond to blow the $50 gift card we've had since our wedding.  it was one of the funniest shopping trips i've ever been on.  it took us well over an hour and a half to figure out how to spend 50 dollars.  typically, i'd have that money spent in a flash.  we even had a list!  but we wandered around the shopping loop about six times before buying more kitchen supplies.  as if our kitchen wasn't stuffed enough.

we ended up with a garlic press, a new can opener {which will restore taylor's sanity}, a beautiful glass pie pan, a big-enough bamboo cutting board, ice trays, and a misto.  yes, i've wanted a misto for several years now.  ever since ari moved into the fleur-de-lis apartment and brought with her the coolest little olive oil sprayer to replace our pam.  the misto is one of the coolest things ever.  i think.  and now i have one.  it was a last minute grab as the store was closing, and it put us $5 over, buuut since i've already used it about twelve times, i think it was probably worth it.

the things we wanted but didn't find have been on my mind, though: a littler box, food and water dishes for a little creature, and a food processor {that one might be a few years...}.  but the cat stuff... well, that's in the making.  after we both get jobs.  oh money.  sometimes i love the left-over wedding gift cards just because they let us buy things that aren't exactly necessities, but are pretty darn desirable.  like a misto.

and yeah, the cat's a necessity, but it'll just have to be pending for few months more until we pay tuition and can find money for food afterward.  then we'll go look at cats.  until then, i'm avoiding them for fear of not being able to resist.  you know..

the LOVE game: stormy weather.

1. i love eating breakfast in bed.

2. i love that sparrows and blue jays live in abilene.

3. i love thunder and lightning in texas.

4. i love salads for lunch in the summertime.

5. i love having a declared pajama day {to get me feeling better, you know...}

6. i love when shaving seems to last a day longer before prickles appear.

7. i love dark chocolate with almonds and sea salt... and that my husband was kind enough to indulge the craving today.

8. i love listening to something new while on the treadmill - made the time go back so much faster today.

9. i love rainy days when it fits my mood - when it's much much more than a drizzle.

10. i love feeling like i've finally made a decision.  finally reached my endpoint where something new has to start.  and has to start soon.  still looking for a different job - a new one better be on the very near horizon...

the LOVE game: on a saturday.

1. i love not working on a saturday, sleeping in a little, eating a massive egg scramble and some cookie-dough almond butter.
2. i love listening to good music in the quiet place.
3. i love the idea that i won't have to wake up at 7 am on a sunday again for a very, very long time.

{male grackle}

4. i love the grackles and blue-jays and other little birds that flock around abilene. i don't know why they like it here enough to stay, but they sure are cute and pretty and nice to listen to in the mornings.
5. i love jean kilbourne and brene brown and the good done by researchers like them who are passionate about the safety of women and relationships.
6.  i love meeting my husband for dinner on my work breaks.  it's the opportunity to sit down, slow down for a minute and just be.
7.  i'm really loving the classic crime lately, specifically their album vagabonds.  it's stellar, really.
8.  i love the idea of going back to ivins for christmas.  no, it's not set yet.  but it's the thought i'm really loving - that i might get to still have that big-family sense with all the treats and traditions.  with all the games and movies and long talks late into the night.  yeah... it's really far away.  but the thought is really fantastic.
9.  i love whole foods recipes.  i'm getting back into the swing of it.  drooling over a dish with brown rice and chicken instead of crappy tex-mex nachos.  looking up desserts with peaches and honey instead of sugar and white flour.  it feels...nice.
10.  i love wearing real clothes - clothes that are not my work uniform.  i love not being covered in sticky yogurt.  i like thinking about the fact that my shirt is from anthropologie.  in it, i feel pretty today.

ps. grackles are the weirdest birds i've ever seen and i love them.  some day, i want a dog named grackle.

a change in the making

a haircut is coming. i can feel it.
lately, i've been daydreaming about myself with one of these:

leaning toward this one i think...

but then. i love this one more than just about anything.

and this is just awesome.

obviously, i have no idea what i want, yet.  but it's coming.  and it's coming soon....

the day off.

within the last several weeks, one phenomenon keeps repeating itself: on the days i work {despite the fact that both taylor and i are gone all day} the house turns itself into a tornado disaster area {not supposed to be funny.  while living in abilene, there is nothing funny about tornadoes}.  our schedule on those days absolutely does not allow us time to do damage control.  so... if i work for a several consecutive days, the house throws a bigger and bigger tantrum until in some areas the floor isn't really visible.

i take full responsibility for my portion of this wreck.  ....and that means a vast majority of it.

so, my day off turns into the damage control day.

i've worked four full shifts this week consecutively.  and last week, the damage control just didn't happen.  thus, my day off today consisted of cleaning our room and part of the kitchen.  both rooms are now at least livable.  as to the rest of the house... let's hope i don't work on monday. ;)

today's good things:

*waking up to my husband making me a green smoothie with spinach, kale and collards and an ezekiel english muffin with lori's incredible cookie dough almond butter.  i was almost jealous of myself, then i realized i didn't have to be.

*skyping with da mama.  man, it feels good to see someone face to face {well...as close as it gets, you know} and have good conversation!

*reading my graduation cards from my sisters and families.  yeah, i cried again.  i ought to put them away so i don't become entirely unstable.

*getting out of bed at 9:30 am.

*finally cleaning out my email inbox.  from 22 unread emails down to 2.  oh yeah, baby.  oh yeah.

*not getting one single text from my boss.  hallelujah i've maxed out my hours this week without him paying me more and giving me benefits.  now he can't ask me to anything else.

*looking at my bright blue nails all day.  there's just something about painted nails that has me feeling pretty and put together.

*wearing real clothes - yeah, that work uniform got old real quick.

aaaaand i'm off to make brownies.  oh yeah, brownies from dreena burton's new cookbook let them eat vegan.  thanks again, lori, for making my food life a thousand times better today, and to mom for sending me the recipe.  it's a good life when there are brownies involved.  it's a better life when the first person to make them was dreena burton.

i've changed.

lately, i'm the kind of person who wakes up on time.  i'm the kind of person who showers every morning, and most afternoons after hitting the gym after work.  i'm the kind of woman who makes two loaves of homemade bread every other week and reads her scriptures every day.  i'm the person who still speeds five-over even though everyone else in texas is driving five-under.  the last few months, i've been the kind of person who thinks i'm sleep deprived when i get six hours of sleep for three days in a row {and then i have to remind myself what i did all through college...}.

i'm the girl who makes her husband dinner most nights, but still complains that i'm too tired some days, too.
i'm the person who has enough self control to go a whole three days without sugar.  and the girl who lets herself have a treat every few days.

i'm the wife that makes my husband stop the car in the middle of the road late at night so that i can roll down my window and whisper here, kitty kitty to the little stray across the sidewalk.

i'm the girl that puts on makeup five out of seven days and washes my face every single night.

i'm the roommate who hasn't put away her clothes for the past two weeks and makes a new commitment every day to respect the mutual spaces.

i'm the coworker who no longer forgets her tips {and thus no longer gives her tips to the girls working she does}.

i'm the artist who has picked up a sketchbook once in the last three years {practically}, but keeps it on the table in case an open hour inserts itself into my day.

i'm the girl who's in dire need of a haircut, a good sun-nap, and could use a good beach-body work out.

i'm the girl who prays a lot lately, makes other people their coffee, tries not to resent her boss, and remembers to say i love you often.

the one who sleeps in when she gets the chance.
reads in binges.
longs for a dog and eats bananas obsessively.

i'm the girl who looks back at her facebook pictures and wonders how in the world she's changed that much in just about every way imaginable in such a short time.  and yet, i'm still the girl who gets frustrated every few days that nothing seems to be changing.

but tonight i realize that when i feel that frustration, i can just let it go.
like i would in yoga.
because although change is imperceptible in the moment, looking back on days and weeks and months and years, nothing ever stays the same for very long.

reaching for my pencils.

i'm realizing it more and more lately: art is in my blood.

since finishing school, i feel i've been searching for something.  something more than just a thing to fill my time with.  i have plenty of those.  something different than a look how much i accomplished thing.  i was searching for an outlet of sorts.  there were things inside me that needed to be let out, needed to run rampant and have their say, needed to be expressed, demanded attention.  and i needed a thing with which to give them voice.

i've seen this happen to my sisters.  several years after lori was married, her cooking and baking became more than just food on the table, more than just giving her family the respect of a beautiful meal.  it became creation, expression and love.  several years after mindy was married, she started running - really running.  working out became her outlet, her go-to.

i love to make food, i really do.  but when it comes down to it, i'll admit my relationship with food is still at quite a love-hate stage.  pouring myself into creating food isn't satisfying my hunger to express lately.  and while working out it one of the few things i can absolutely whole-heartedly count on to put me in a good mood and stabilize me for the remainder of the day, i don't have a magnificent drive for it.

and then there's my art.  my art that i vowed i wouldn't give up if i decided not to make it my career and then promptly put it away for more than two solid years.  my art that draws so much out of me, has the capacity to take what's inside and make it physical.  my art that feels so rusty, feels so far away.  but it's been coming back of late.  after three full-body sketches i finally hit my groove.  true, i'm not near where i used to be as far as creative skill.  i can't put the things in my head on paper the same way i could several years ago.

but i think i'm moving with a different motive now.  i'm not trying to capture perfect replicas anymore and really i'm not trying to get back to where i used to be with art because i'm no longer that same person.  i don't really expect to produce anything of similar scale or quality because i anticipate my art will be taking an entirely new direction.  i'm a new person, it's a new medium to me in this phase of life.


i haven't been artsing continuously lately.  but i plan to try.  i plan to be more comfortable expressing with that medium.  that's the goal of late.



and then there's something swimming around in the back of my head about eating less sugar for the sake of the pain in my neck and inflammation and chard and kale and folic acid and omega threes and how food is something i don't want to have too much of a fascination with at the moment because i know the tweaking i'm going to do is going to make me slightly uncomfortable.  although i do love kale.

i also love a darn good frozen yogurt with candy bar pieces on it.
but really, i'm about at the point that i'd do anything to get the pain in my head and jaw to stop.  so... omega threes and folic acid, here i come.

farewell, espresso-less frappe.

...a sleeping in day

1. i love waking up in the morning and reading three chapters before i even get out of bed. {i better finish the hunger games series pretty soon because it's taking all my time!}
2. i love increasing the amount on the weight machines - an experience i've never had until now.  i love feeling strong and capable.
3. i love my blue-and-white checkered tablecloth.
4. i love my face free from makeup.  not thinking about smearing my mascara when i wipe my eyes.
5. i love homemade bread - it's a testament sitting on the counter that i'm learning, that i'm doing the things i always wanted to, that i can give my family healthy good food.
6. i love my days off - filled with things i ought to do, but with no guilt when mostly i just cook yummy things and read all day.
7. i love the clouded skies {when they aren't so thick the air strangles me}.  the highlights around the edges remind me of heaven.
8. i love my workout partner.  i wouldn't be this far along with my goals if not for him.  our mutual motivation is exponentially more effective than mine on its own.
9. i love writing in colored pilot pens.  it's like passion on paper.
10. i love my little toaster oven: my salvation when the big one proved almost useless.  and i think i want to give him a name...

and the job hunting resumes...

i've spent the last three days obsessing about finding a new job.  i've become a craig's list job stalker once again - checking the new job postings every several hours {okay, sometimes more...}.

i've become determined to find something better than where i'm at.  considering i haven't made this little per hour since i was seventeen, the hours are something horrendous to my body, and the work is much too physically demanding for me.  if i were in high school, i'd keep this job.  and call it great, too.

but i'm not.

and i'd just really like to have a job that's less demanding on my body.  i'd really like to never put another yogurt machine back together again.  and really, i don't think i'd mind sitting at a desk.

so here's a little prayer to the universe:

please send me some leads.  please.  if i have to work at this job another month, i know i could... going day by day, but the thought makes me ill.  and if i have to i think i might quit on the spot, which never looks good.  so please.  just a few leads into something that's more manageable.

and might pay the bills a little better.

please?