nearing the end...

the best thing about today so far: my last class canceled.

the worst thing about today so far: i only have time to write one of the four essays due at three.

what i'm doing to make up for it: praying really really hard.  {and studying my brains out for this final}

also, big accomplishment - last night at 1:30 am. i finished the last research paper of my undergraduate career.  and i think i'll feel the relief more after everything else is finished... because it hasn't even started to hit me yet how almost done i am.

the last of the last of EVER.

yes. this is it.

the very last week of school for the rest of my {bachelor's degree} existence.  and for the record, i've only thought about smashing a professor's head with a 2x4 a few times.  and it was only one professor.

i have seven papers to write this week.  yes, thank heaven none of them are over five pages.  {i can do five pages! i can do that!}

today was the last time i made the three-...more like four-hour drive from ivins to happy valley, and it'll be the last for a long, long time.  which... yes, you'd think would be bittersweet.  after all, i've found a lot of happiness in provo.  i've found more love in provo than i ever expected - in more ways than i'd dared to hope for.  and the overwhelming emotion upon looking back at my two and a half years here is joy.

so yes, it is a little bittersweet to leave.  luckily, what's waiting for me after i leave provo is enough of an incentive to encourage me to throw caution to the wind, put on a wedding dress, and do the reminiscing after i've left behind these tall snow-covered mountains.

really, right there's not room in my brain for almost anything but homework.

and wedding.

and taylor.

okay.  really there's not room for anything BUT taylor and wedding.  and i'm just trying to squeeze the homework and finals  parts in long enough to get passing grades this semester and then WAHOO!

graduated and married.

goodness... all these changing labels.  no more a student {in the formal sense}.  no longer a girlfriend, no longer just a roommate.

but a wife... yeah, that's a scary thought sometimes, that's for sure.

and... a texan?  is that even what they call themselves?

i'll be honest, i don't know if i can claim that one.  i'm a utahn.  and i claim that more than a little.

yep.  bring on the stereotypes.  i might not claim all those, but it's true.  i'll always be a utahn at heart.


...and just to clarify, i purposefully refute the female utahn reputation of big hair.  please, girls, go brush those rats out and throw away that awful piece of plastic.

ps. engagement pictures coming soon!

home again, home again...

friday afternoon, ari, me, natalie and paige packed up our cars and headed south for a fun weekend at home.  my sisters had planned a bridal shower for me on saturday {prefaced by an appointment with the cake lady where ari and i sampled four different kinds of delicious wedding cake}.

after a whole afternoon of opening gifts and enjoying the beautiful decorations and delicious food my sisters had prepared, i came to two conclusions: 1) i am incredibly blessed, and 2) people are so generous.  some of these women i haven't seen in several years and others have been friends with my mom, but have never really had a relationship withe me personally.  and yet, they gave gifts and advice that were thoughtful, high quality, useful, and much needed.

so just to start a little early thanks-giving, i'm thankful for the women in my life.  my sisters know how to make me happier than ever, and learning from the examples of each of these women was meaningful.

and now i'm home again.  everyone but me drove back up to happy valley today.  thanks to byu's power to declare tuesday a friday, i don't have class this coming week at all.  not that i've gone this last week, really... but still.  it's relieving to know that i'm not going to class and not missing class this week.

i'm happy to be back with my cats, and my mom and dad, and as usual, my clinging to hailey is already making her go crazy.  i'm also already missing my morning run {which always is a little hard to catch at home}.  and missing taylor... but not for long!!

found this on pinterest a few days ago, and it gave me shivers.

it made me want to really wake up.

because i'm a believer.

family and cheese.

i'm blessed, and also a little crazy.

tonight i went to dinner with my mom and natalie, and really talked.  we talked about my upcoming wedding {the food, the decoration...}, we talked about ethnocentrism and the beauty of different cultures, and about the movie anonymous {which i want to see SO badly}.

and now, here i am sitting in my underwear because i ate so much at dinner.  i get upset sometimes because i have more than one day at a time in which i exercise and eat really well {and start feeling really great}, and then i go and blow it with one massive meal with more cheese than one cow could produce in a lifetime.  not that we get cheese ...directly from cows.  i know where cheese comes from.  but you know what i mean.  a lot of cheese.

so.  while my shirt is uncomfortable over my protruding stomach for the next couple of days, i just need to remember that i am blessed.  with good family and good company.  and next time we want to go out for a treat, i'll suggest somewhere without so much cheese.

what i've been up to lately

provo's getting colder and colder.  the mountains have been white for the past few weeks - not just a little dusting on top, either.

aaaand as the holidays get closer, something else is getting closer, too.

it's been a while since i've written.  and in that little while, a whole lot has happened.  taylor visited the first week in october, and while he was here he put a little something sparkly on a special finger {with my consent, of course}.  and i couldn't be happier.  we're getting married in the saint george temple on december 29th, 2011.

story to follow, i promise.

so lately, {obviously} i've been up to quite a bit.  in december, i'll be graduating from byu, getting married, and moving to a far away land...not quite as far away as japan though.  i've been trying to maintain passing grades in my classes {more difficult than it's ever been}, working wedding plans long distance with everyone, and generally going crazy adjusting to the idea of being a wife.  i'm excited, that's for sure.  and so at peace, too.

unfortunately during all this doing, i haven't been finishing any writing.  when i logged onto blogger, it kindly informed me that i had four recent posts saved as drafts that hadn't been published yet.  at least there's proof i've been trying! ;)  but i'm going to start.  probably not a whole lot... but you know.  a little at least.  which means more than once every month and a half!

also, taylor flies to utah in eight days.  and counting.

a few little weekly successes

yesterday, i was school-productive from eight am until six pm, and after that i did other very productive things that didn't have to do with school {big, big improvement from my usual}.  today, i got an 85% on a test that i didn't study for {and have an attendance rate of about 50%}.  oh, and i think i might have found a job today... cross your fingers for me.  it's been a pretty good week.  life's going a good way lately.  busy busy busy, as usual, but i'm happy.  that's for sure.

and a have a feeling this weekend is going to be pretty darn great, too.

tomorrow, i pick up taylor from the airport in salt lake city, and i'm practically counting the hours.  i'm debating going to any of my classes because i know i'll be so distracted anyway, but then... yeah, i should go.  i've already started a bad little habit of missing quite a bit of class this semester that i'm desperately attempting to remedy.

one hour of strength training today.  and it was a rainy day that reminded me so much that there is a massive difference between utah rain and seattle rain.  i'm glad i grew up {and am back} with the good kind.

i'm getting in the habit of writing again!

and also really loving peppermint patty green monsters this week.

excuses.

so this whole blogging a lot thing was really short-lived, huh?

i have excuses, don't worry.  see, i was really sick {see previous post}, and then when i started to get better i realized everything i missed while i was sick.  like homework, and lots of it.  but really... i haven't done a whole lot yet.  but i have been running more - and it feels really really good.  i'm remembering the self-control it takes to pull myself out of bed every morning before the sun comes up to run.  at least, i remember that self-control, even if i haven't quite unearthed it yet.

so there's that.  and... i've been catching up with my roommates because i quarantined myself to my room the whole week i was sick so no one would catch what i had and have to suffer, too.  on a side note, i'm not sure that was the greatest idea as it caused me to eat very, very, very little for an entire week.  which made me cry.  but i guess in retrospect, i was kind of too sick to actually get up and eat anything, anyway.

but i guess mostly, i've been too busy being in love to write a whole lot.  yep, IN LOVE!  so... i'm still going to be writing.  after all, it's my last semester and i have to finish documenting the journey that i started at the very first of school in happy valley.  also, this blog is looking a little blah to me lately... again.  so i might find time to do a little colorful tweaking.  good idea, no?

sick sick sick

sometimes, you're body just says, "enough is enough! go to your room for a week!"  and while i wouldn't really listen to anyone else telling me that, when my body does. . . i kind of have to listen.

i've been sick {in bed} since getting back from ivins on monday night.  a couple of my sisters were feeling a little under the weather while i was there, and my niece and nephew had been sick.  but really, it was nothing big to worry about - just a mild sore throat that stuck around or a 24 hour flu.

so, really, who knows what i caught?

i can tell you it's nothing fun.  last night as i was taking out my contacts, i couldn't remember which eye was my right eye and i decided i really was sick of being sick and tired.  just done with it.  however, i'm also determined not to confine myself to my room again.  the tower of tissues next to my bed isn't great company.  so i let myself sleep again this morning, but i'm going to finally unpack today.  do a few small things around the house... take lots of naps if i get tired.  make myself green smoothies, down emergenC like sick fish, and keep some zinc drops on hand.

being sick does have a few benefits:
instead of being in class, i was helping erika choose a duvet cover and came across the most incredible anthropologie sale i've ever seen.  yes, i'll be stalking the ups man.
i finally started the book total money makeover by dave ramsey and i fully expect it to help me change my financial life.
aaaand... yeah, those are the only benefits i can think of.

i'm going to try not to think about how much homework i have to makeup, and i'm going to venture out of my room a little bit {which is big, for this week}.

here's to green smoothies and cough drops.  i'll be blogging sneeze-free soon.

i like this jessica better

first, the canker sore on my lip has officially reached the "people probably think my lip is deformed" stage.  not that you can see it, but it's drastically impairing my ability to speak normally... or at all.  ouch.  it really is pretty bittersweet that the juiciest sweetest plum of the season caused me to bite my lip so hard it bled.  and really, that line is not as metaphorical as it sounds or should be.  i really ate the most incredible plum ever, and i really did bite my lip and it bled.  a lot.

and if i said that in church, my sister would hold up a massive sign from the back of the room that read "TMI!"  but this isn't church.  it's a blog.  and on the blog we can basically say whatever we want and nothing is too much information, right?? ...erm.

moving on.

i'm addicted to baking.  no worries, this post isn't nearly as serious as it already sounds.  i'm not being literal.  although food has become the greatest excuse not to do homework the past two and a half weeks.  see, there were many things i was deprived of while i was in seattle.  {also, there's a positive seattle experience post in the making.  no, it wasn't all horrible.  just sometimes..in someways..you know.} one of these deprivations was a drastic lack of me cooking or baking anything.  that's right.  you know your soul is slowly dying and it's time to make some drastic changes when you go for that long without getting giddy over what's coming out of the oven.  or, at least i do.

but i'm making up for it.

in the past several days, i've made raspberry cornmeal pancakes with celestial cream, banana chocolate chip muffins, falafel with tzatziki sauce, and a massive batch of monster cookies.  oh yeah, and italien breakfast sandwiches.  ask me about those later!

really, not only am i enjoying food more than i have in well, a really long time, i'm also eating in pure guilt-free moderation.  disclaimer: no one is perfect.  ever.  but i've hit this blissful balance the last week or so between being healthy and eating all the foods i love {love and either have always restricted or binged on}.  it's this awesome stress-free mental food umbrella - being able to eat what i love when i'm hungry stop when i'm full.

it's strange, too.

see, i've had a lot of sugar lately, in retrospect.  and it's not like i've stayed at an ideal calorie intake or really been working out to my personal satisfaction.  the cool thing is that it doesn't matter much anymore.  not that being healthy doesn't matter, but my perspective has changed so much.  healthy isn't eating a perfect diet anymore; healthy is eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious.

and look at that.

without even intending to, i've worded what i've been attempting to put into language since the end of the summer: health isn't perfection anymore, it's eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious.  and it's being happy about it, too!

ideology shift?

i think so.  and it's in a really good direction.  so, i'm taking this moment to celebrate.  i didn't sit down with the intention to write about my eating disorder recovery, but that's what came out.  i've changed over the summer.  natalie said it best about two weeks ago.  she said, i like this jessica better.  the one who'll eat cupcakes with me and not care about how much sugar they have in them because they are so good!  that's paraphrased, but you get the idea.  i'm a more relaxed individual, now.  i'm more me, less... less obsessive and stressed.  because when i let go of all those expectations of perfect everything for myself, i became a little closer to the real me.  and that's the real point, here.

isn't it?

so that's it.  i'm reestablishing my relationship with food {and my own awesome body}.  and also, i love to bake.  hey, look - back to the beginning.  what i meant to write about was this:  this week, i can't wait to go to sunflower market and check out their all-natural meat section.  also, i can't wait to delve into a few unopened cookbooks to figure out how to cook the meat!  and because i love to see things come out of the oven i'm also going to be making white cheddar rosemary scones and chocolate chip apricot scones.  incredible, i know.

and i'm going to have some left-over falafel for dinner.

and the point of this whole post: i love food and i'm happy.

at the same time.

happy eating! :)