the unlikely conversation

dear future,

i'm taking a major risk -  one i've been {to be frank} pretty darn scared of this last year.  i wish i could talk to you right now, face to face.  i want to sit down and have a massive prioritizing session with you.  i want to ask you,
"are my decisions making you pull your {longer} hair out?"
"is this a time to be completely logical or let my heart take one of the reins again?"
"how hard, exactly, will it be to be in seattle this summer?"
"am i being too risky??"

i know, all this risk-taking behavior the last two semesters is quite uncharacteristic of the sort-or-not-really adult me.  it's more reminiscent of the reckless teenage me, the one who's heart had full hold on both reins.  but, isn't a little risk a good thing?

i'm unsure.
all i know right now is it feels darn good.

which is why i wish we could visit - that darn goodness can lead in two directions: fabulous and disastrous.  which is terrifying. . .and absolutely exhilarating!

wishing like mad i could meet you,
love a hesitantly exhilarated you.

wherein i purchase something of value.

the week i went without a computer changed a few things.  one of the more significant alterations was the way i keep track of life.  see, on my computer, i had something like twelve to twenty lists {current lists}.  it's how i kept track of homework, goals, and birthdays.  it's my system of housework, keeps me on track - where i need to be when i need to be there.  i do make physical lists, too.  my sticky-note obsession otherwise would cease to thrive.  the perpetual problem with these is that they almost always end up lost.  hopelessly so.  lost in my purse, my backpack, in a pile of binders and textbooks, on the kitchen table, in the kitchen trash bin.  when i lost my computer, i lost all my lists - the important ones that told me what i actually needed to be accomplishing in life.  the result was an almost absolute lack of homework {which was wonderful for about a week}.  nothing needed to be done, because there weren't any lists to tell me what to do.

i haven't been able to recreate the planner i kept for myself on the last computer.  it just seemed too much of a hassle - and something that wasn't necessary seeing as i didn't have anything that needed to be done anyway.  my lack of planner led to unfinished homework, which led to panic mode, which led to a purchase that i am sure proves my existence as a nerd.  yes, i bought a planner, but not just any planner.

as i walked into the byu bookstore saturday afternoon, i was on a mission to find the perfect planner.  something flexible: i'm an artist by nature, a doodler, and that requires an extreme amount of freedom in my planning.  yes, i'm a bit of an oxymoron.  i needed something that didn't proclaim procrastination.  i did not want to open up this little bit every hour to see the months of january, february, and march completely empty. i might have a bad habit, but that would just be too revealing.  i wanted space.  none of this "one inch square box" for every day.  no, no.  i demand space to breathe, to write, to doodle, and to make lists to my heart's content.

it turns out the only planner in the entire three level overly-priced facility that vaguely fit these criteria was the r.m. planner.

i was on a mission, but not that kind of mission.  i carried it around for a full half hour before convincing myself that my dire need out-weighed the level of nerdness i would reach by making the purchase.  i justified in every way putting it back.  but my obsessive-list-making self won the battle.  i bought the planner.

i thought i could cover my tracks by placing a large very cool sticker on the front.  cover up the too-large bold-face letters spelling out that i am a returned missionary who simply can't return to normal life without my pocket book planner.  but i was wrong.

saturday night, the musician {who deserves his own post in which i will fully explain the not-quite-fitting title} told me plainly i couldn't disguise that little book with just a band sticker.  at byu, things like that are just too well-known.  i laughed.

"wanna bet? one big ingrid michaelson sticker will do the trick!"

but i was wrong.  oh so absolutely wrong.

this morning in family finance, i sat next to my current internship partner.  as i looked over tomorrow's activities, she reached over and exclaimed {not quietly}, "i know that planner!!"

yes, yes, i am a nerd.  the twenty-one-year-old who has not served a mission carrying around a returned missionary planner - complete with sections for specific goal setting.  i'm still going to find stickers.  cool ones.  and until then, i'll keep the front page folded back for those who are slightly out of practice when it comes to detecting that unmistakable thick spiral binding.

my consolation: it made the musician laugh.  and i dearly love to hear people laugh.

to satisfy my soul:

here's the LIST: {in other words, a summary of everything i have not been writing about lately}

• housing hunt continues
• travel plans for seattle becoming slightly more concrete despite one vital fact: it doesn't seem even the slightest bit real yet.
• i went home for the weekend!  it was too short and cloudy, so naturally, i'll be back again soon to soak up some southern utah sunshine before i head to the rainy state.
• natalie's up visiting this week :)
• shopped till i was ready to cut my feet off searching for an outfit for her interview (TODAY!)
• stayed up much too late watching prince of persia. . .honestly, it was beautifully cheesy and i loved it to death.
• discovered a new obsession, called the cocoa bean, the result of which was a massive sugar rush and one of the more hysterical hyper-spells i've experienced.
• saw two exhibits at the museum of art (here on campus) - the dorothea lange exhibit was stunning, and the company was excellent.
• sore legs from an hour of yoga - it's been a while, but oh did it ever feel incredible!
• yesterday, the snow decided to go crazy for the twenty minutes i walked home.  it broke my only umbrella - which i've been told is a good thing because i shouldn't take it to seattle anyway.  why are people crazy there? i don't know yet.
• today, i had my first parking ticket.  celebration, right??  actually, i was celebrating.  after getting online to pay the darn thing, i realized they were only going to charge me half the fine if i paid today!  hallelujah!
• and i was just instructed to mention jake gyllansomebody and matt damon.  because a post entitled "to satisfy my soul" can't exclude them... especially this week. :)

on the hunt {for housing}

typically in provo, "on the hunt" refers more to dating than animals, bargain shopping, or the like.  i'm hunting, alright.  for a house, not a husband.

apartment hunting has been consuming my entire existence the last week.  i go back and back to the same byu-approved housing lists, drive around and around and around campus looking for rent signs, and i call managers over and over and over.

i'm getting too familiar with the phrase, "we're all sold out for fall/winter."

wish me luck.

this really is getting rather daunting.


on the plus side, to relieve a little of the housing stress, i took an hour to draw today. . .instead of study for my test tomorrow.
be that as it may, the test will come.  i might fail. . .but i really hope not.
again. wish me luck!

the best pancakes i've ever made

happy saturday!

a few days ago, my roommate ari did an incredible thing.  i had made a mess of dishes when i had the girls over for dinner on wednesday.  a mess, i tell you.  there were a lot of dishes.  but. . .it was late and i was tired, and i decided the dishes could wait until the morning.

when i woke up, every last dish was done!

after almost crying {it honest made my whole week}, i promised her and genni a pancake breakfast this weekend - just because they're such fabulous roommates.

and what better day to have a pancake breakfast than a saturday, right?  yes, today was the day!

i was in the mood for something incredible - not just your average pancake-with-syrup.  and so i present to you. . .

positively the best pancakes i've ever made.

berrylicious weekend pancakes

with red love syrup

(adapted from eat, drink, and be vegan.)

berrylicious pancakes:

• 1 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
• 1 tablespoon + 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
• 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1 large over-ripe banana
• 1 can light coconut milk
• 1/3 cup rice milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 1/3 bag (about 3/4 cup) white chocolate chips
• 1 1/2 cups frozen mixed berries

first, mix together your dry ingredients (flour, baking powder, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt).  in a separate bowl, mash the banana super well with a fork.  once it resembles baby food, add the coconut milk, rice milk, and vanilla.  a whisk worked wonderfully here {especially if you don't want to dirty your blender to combine these}.  it will be pretty runny - no worries, it thickens up a lot once you mix the bowls together. . .which you'll do right now.

pour the liquid into the flour mixture, add chocolate chips, and mix really well.  heat the pan to meduim and oil it lightly with coconut oil.  add the mixed berries to the batter right before scooping them onto the pan.  this way, the berries don't break apart as much.  cook just like a regular puffy pancake. :)

now the toppings!

red love syrup:

• 2 cups frozen mixed berries {i used a mix of raspberries, blackberries and blueberries}
• 3/4 cup applesauce
• 3 tablespoons pure maple syrup
• 1/2 cup rice milk
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon cornstarch

in a saucepan combine the berries, applesauce, maple, and salt over medium heat.  let these cook down for about 10 to 15 minutes, stirring every few minutes.

once it's steamy and bubbly {and the berries have started to disintegrate}, mix the rice milk and cornstarch together in a cup.  pour mixture into the berry sauce slowly while whisking.  turn up the heat a tiny bit. :)  keep whisking, and once it starts to thicken, turn the heat to low.  it will look a little bit like homemade jam. . .

 

yum.  that's what i have to say.

other toppings:

• sliced banana
• shredded coconut
• cinnamon sprinkles
• cacao nibs

this combination had us all coming back for seconds. . .and thirds.  best saturday breakfast i've had in a long time!  this recipe served the three of us with two leftover pancakes and about a half cup extra syrup.  which, in my opinion, is just about perfect.  my favorite thing in the world is when weekend pancakes turn into weekday quick and easy breakfasts!

enjoy!

updates!

new little addition to the blog! {really, just phase I of redesign phase II - you know my lists.}  the recipe page is going to be updated once a week - new goal here!  my bookshelf will also be updated periodically, as i add books to the list and finish those i'm in the middle of.  {also feel free to suggest books and recipes - i love a challenge!}  aaaand, the me currently section will be updated every. . .so often. :) you know, whenever there's a massive change in my life or the old one is ridiculously out of date. that sort of thing.

below is my second.  cataloging for records sake. . .

enjoy the additions!

currently changes quite a bit.

this is my current: 11. march 2011.

currently, i live in a spacious first floor apartment {too spacious, sometimes, with three people where there could be four}.  from my bedroom window, i have a grand view of the back parking lot.  this window also supplies me with ample amounts of sunlight in mid-afternoon.  perfect for glorious sunny naps, i tell you.  those don't happen nearly often enough.  spacious 103 will be my home until the end of april, at which time i will go adventuring {seattle, here i come!}.

my second-to-last semester at brigham young university sprung me with a massive case of senioritis, but i persevere.  despite the lagging homework drive, i am still madly passionate about research.  each new little piece of information thrills me and {i'll be honest here} makes my heart pound.  chocolate-peanut-butter anything has a similar effect.

this summer i'll discover how i feel about the behind-the-scenes aspect of research as i intern with the flourishing families project.  i'm nervous, to say the least.  but also exhilarated.  i never thought my major {or anything else for that matter} would take me to such a big city. . .for such a crazy reason!  my strategy is the take one day at a time method.  so for now, i'm focusing mostly on finishing my abstract for the article i present at the fulton research conference.  yeah, talk about scary!

lately, i love to run.  okay, really, i always love to run.  but this year, i've discovered a new dimension.  i finished my first race (a 9k in hurricane, utah) just a couple weeks ago.  massive accomplishment.  STILL patting myself on the back for that one.  also, it has me addicted - i can't stop myself from constantly checking my times for improvement and scoping out upcoming races i might be able to sign up for.

after several years of switching back and forth between a vegetarian and a vegan diet {with intermittent dabbling in the world of raw food}, i'm slowly adding meat and animal products back into my diet.  slooooowly.  right now, i eat eggs.  i had a tiny bit of chicken last week, too.  i still go back and forth.  mostly, my food philosophy is to eat three balanced meals a day, stay away from processed foods and sweeteners, and eat as many vegetables as i can take.  of course, my sweet-tooth reminds me that feeling deprived is not part of a balanced diet.  thus, every now and again, i enjoy something sinfully out of my food plan.  and yes, i always enjoy it thoroughly.

a few things that have me excited about life currently: dr. day's the power of sacred living lecture, ohsheglows energy bars headed my way, bombay house splurge tonight {just about the best indian food on the planet}, the prospect of "the most beautiful running trail in the world" just five minutes from my seattle apartment {as dictated by my internship team leader}, curried lentils, nut butter oatmeal - complete with fifteen mix-ins, sunshine finally coming out more often, and i can now hold plank pose for forty-five seconds.  yeah, i'm a yoga addict.

and now i'm off to do homework!

life is a pretty little pattern.

"i am, indeed, a queen, because i know how to rule myself."

- anonymous. 

sacred matters: dr. randy day

being at byu provides all sorts of incredible opportunities around the world and on campus.  tonight, i attended a lecture given by professor randy day - one of my very favorites from my time here.  he's the man in charge {so to speak} of the flourishing families project i'll be interning with this summer.  i've taken four different courses from him as a professor, and each time i've loved the qualities he so easily brings out in me and my peers as students.  from him i learned to really think critically, to develop my own ideas, and to challenge the ideas of others - even if they've existed for centuries.  through his prodding, i developed a confidence in my own ideas {especially when it comes to the social sciences}.  with his high bar of scientific creativity, i've written the paper i'm most proud of - my own small brain-child.  he's the biggest reason i'm even considering graduate studies in a little over a year.

considering, mind you.  that's still a year away.

tonight, i'm exceedingly grateful for his lecture.  i've been feeling. . .a little disappointed with my classes, lately.  last semester, i had to stretch myself more than i ever have, intellectually.  i thrived on the critical thinking process.  i thought about it when i didn't have anything else to think about.  it practically consumed my existence. i found myself {often} eating dinner and thinking about the connection between eating disorders and family processes.  {yes, i realize what a science nerd that makes me.}

this semester, i've just felt slumped.  my classes really haven't ignited that fire that i was so used to last term.  no one has told me they think i can create my own ideas - let alone articulate them well enough to form a researchable topic.  i've missed it.

tonight, that fire was rekindled.  i remembered how deep down i love research and love finding the answers to burning questions i have about families and the way they work.  once again, i feel motivated to learn, to push myself, and to share that information with everyone else so they know, too.  that way we can all grow together.

i might establish i periodic social science discussion on the blog, here. . .
the idea makes me happier than anything tonight!

thank you, dr. day, for helping me to remember tonight why i love research, family, and social science.  i needed a wake-up call!

nut butter fail + thoughts on my new electronic addition

fun plans tonight!  a few girls from high school/home ward are coming over for a collaborative taco night.  it will probably become the new tradition.  we all used to go out to dinner together once a month{ish}, but now ironically, we don't have quite the money we used to.

today, i was really craving nut butter.  but not just any nut butter.  i wanted something decadent, something extra creamy, something chocolate.

even though i was pretty much extremely hungry by the time i walked home from class (really, two-thirty lunch was never my thing), i decided that this nut butter had to happen.  sometimes, you just have to have some chocolate nut butter, right?  well... okay, i do! :)

i dropped my backpack on the ground and promptly gathered all my ingredients.  half almond, half pecan.  that's right, this was going to be deluxe.  sadly, i forgot one small detail.  my food processor valiantly takes on all the frozen bananas i throw at it.  most of time, it chokes through the nuts and dates till i can make them into balls for "cookies".  but i'd never tried to turn nuts to butter in this mini appliance before.

at first, i thought it was going to work!  it whirred {too loudly, as usual}.  after one minute, though, i'd given it all it could take.  so, relunctantly (but i'm sure to the relief of my neighbors), i gave up.

today, decadent chocolate pecan-almond butter = bitter nutty crumble.

it was okay on my chocolate peanut butter oatmeal though.  {but that's another story... can you say addicted??}

so, transitioning from my mini food processor fail to my new computer {still nameless}.

last post was a bit of a rant.  complete incomprehension of electronic devices does that to me, i guess.  really, truly, i am so darn thankful to have a computer again.  the week i went without was just. . .off.  i don't like to admit it, but i felt pretty disconnected.  lately, blogging is the main creative outlet in my life {other than food adventures every so often that do come out okay}.

so.  i'm happy to be back.  happy to have this little computer!

and i'm sure eventually, it will learn to behave itself and {in time} will also earn the privilege of being named.

i'm off to eat some bitter nut crumble!
{and prep the kitchen for the party.}

all of you that can, go eat some nut butter for me, will ya? :)

i'm baaaaack!

that's right.  i'm back up, back online, back to blogging! {not to mention doing homework...something that didn't get quite as finished without the convenience of a computer.}

here's the story {of my unexpected absence}:

one morning, i woke up late.  not unusual; this semester i've been waking up late almost every day i have class.  i hope to end this habit when the weather decides to let the sun shine in the morning.  scrambling for time, i turned on my computer to type up a paper quickly before i ran to class with no make-up on.  *note: this is how you know you have senioritis - when you're writing {not just printing} your papers a half hour before class starts.  yeah.... i digress.

so, i wrote the paper, hit the print button, crammed it in my backpack, shut my beautiful green laptop, and ran to school.  yes, i was over five minutes late.

fast-forward five hours.  i came home from class looking slightly disheveled because of my lack of umbrella in the rain, but i did not have mascara running down my cheeks because i never put it on that morning.  i went to room, opened my beautiful green {did i mention cooperative?} laptop to look up a few blogs, check my facebook. . . waste time.  after wasting a significant amount, i dragged my feet into the kitchen for lunch.  dragged.  you see, i'd been back from st. george for a week and still hadn't managed to get myself to the grocery store to buy produce.  and... a lack of produce = no motivation to cook.

i opened my cupboard.
i opened the fridge.

...and then i heard a strange sound coming from my bedroom.  something was clicking.  something was beeping in a really strange sort of way.

i went to investigate found a dead computer.  beeping, clicking, and a black screen.  i couldn't wake it up.  after a few minutes, it died altogether.  restarting it only aggravated the condition because it kept exclaiming {in capital letters} that it COULD NOT FIND THE INTERNAL DRIVE.  bad sign.

byu's computer repair center tells me the hard drive is fried - no chance of ever seeing those files again.  luckily, i have brothers-in-law in high computer places who assure me i can at least get something off.  i pray i can.  really hard.


but for the time being i have a new little laptop.  one that is not green, is short, and enjoys undoing all the customizations i give it.  that's right, this little brat is a dishonest computer.

i'm determined to tame it?  and give it a name.

once i stop being bitter about my dead baby laptop...the beautiful green one.

this new computer is insisting a few changes as well.  i can't stand the way my blog looks on the screen.  this screen is like....extra extra EXTRA stretch.  vertically, it looks like they were trying to save money, and horizontally, i think the designer thought he was assembling a wide screen television.  so, i think my blog looks really strange only taking up less than half the screen... so.  time to redo that. again.
i'm also going to be using grooveshark.com a heck of a lot more.  me without music is just a bad idea.  and at the moment, this unnamed silver object is musicless.

but.  for now, i need to stop trying to make it listen to my customizing suggestions and find something to eat.  because my neck hurts tremendously from looking down and craning my neck forward to see the minuscule text.  why? why make such a massively long screen and fill it with text {i swear} a font size 6? why?  unless every dell designer in the universe has eye sight like superman.  in which case, they should go back home.

and now... dinner.