i found my love in seattle.
one of four studios in the world,
donation-based.
the best yoga workout i've ever had,
and the happiest.
on a busy street,
i found that seattle is capable of
peace.
Thursday, June 23
Sunday, June 19
i strugs. and i love my dad.
strugs: n./adj.; an alternative form of the word struggling, invented by victoria and used frequently this summer to describe the general state of... well, me.
sympathy? scorn, maybe? actually victoria is quite a factual person. i'm almost positive her use of the word is simply a fact, devoid of emotional attachment. this is pretty apparent from the way she uses the word. something like, "this is jessica. she strugs."
which reminds me of a time several years ago when (upon entering the kitchen), natalie {endearing older sister as always} introduced me to a very large group of friends like this: "this is my sister jessica. she's diseased!"
i won't go as far as to say i was traumatized, although the fact that the moment is burned into my memory speaks for itself. at that point, i'd come to accept the fact that i was {as she so politely put it} diseased.
the point is, the last few weeks, i strugs. although, i'm not sure i'm exactly using the word correctly.
at first, living in seattle didn't seem to phase me much more than making me forget to breath several times a day {stress or beauty... or both}. i remember distinctly telling my mother that i expected to have at least a small emotional breakdown after being here for a week or so. after all, it's kind of the way my body deals with change sometimes. a good cry can be a good thing. but for some reason, i couldn't really relax enough to cry, and everything just kept building up and up and up.
and then, i cried. and since then, i haven't really been able to stop. not to say i'm crying all the time. but moreso than any self-respecting individual wants to cry.
i came to seattle with this team with the awareness that i might have difficulty with several things.
first, i'm on a team of perpetual over-achievers who have their lives planned by day for the next five years. yes, i've been accused of being an over-achiever, but now that i've been placed in a league of them, i've realized the title is not mine, nor do i want it to be. i'm a peaceful person, who likes simplicity, quiet nights at home, and a low-stress environment. i don't think i want a graduate degree, and after i graduate i don't really know what the next step in life will be. i'd rather be a full-time mom with a part time yoga-teaching job than a 40-hour-a-week career woman, if that's in the up-stairs plans for me. for the girls on this team, that mindset seems unusual. most of them know where they want to go to grad school (although i'm closer to graduation than most of them and i'm still unsure if i'm going to grad school or not). most of them are actively moving toward a full-time career. true, most of them also want to be mothers, but in the words of one of the female professors we met with, "why not have both??"
is it really that odd to just... not want both? to be honest, the idea of having a full-time career while trying to be a good wife and even thinking about children just kind of makes me sick. i take my hat off to the women that can do it all, while very simply saying, i'm just not one of them.
and then there's the endless debate of what actually is driving that personal desire. am i just lazy to only want one instead of trying to have both at once? would i rather not compete for full-time careers because i think i wouldn't have what it takes in that area? would i be selling myself short or stifling the academic talent i've been given if i stop at a bachelor's degree, and in the future decline full-time work to raise children?
truthfully, i have never felt so tormented by the bind of that decision. i understand this is far, far in my future. however, i also understand that my present path will determine my future, and after seeing the dollar amount of my undergraduate education, i won't be choosing an academic path that doesn't lead to at least some financial compensation, if i chose an academic future at all.
really, i believe in marriage and in motherhood. and i believe in those things as a highest life priority - way, way above a career for me.
society expects women to have successful careers, be wonderful wives and mothers, to do both at the same time and to want to do both just as much. but... isn't it okay just to pick one?
mostly, it's wonderful to be surrounded by other young women who are high achievers because it pushes me see how far i can stretch - and teaches me my limits, too. it's impressive to see girls who are driven enough to insist that life give them both {family and career} at the same time. but it's also difficult to have different expectations, to want different things, and to value much different things in life, too.
and that's why i strugs this summer. because it's hard to feel different.
by the way, as a way to end this discussion about society's expectation for women, i'd like to say...
sympathy? scorn, maybe? actually victoria is quite a factual person. i'm almost positive her use of the word is simply a fact, devoid of emotional attachment. this is pretty apparent from the way she uses the word. something like, "this is jessica. she strugs."
which reminds me of a time several years ago when (upon entering the kitchen), natalie {endearing older sister as always} introduced me to a very large group of friends like this: "this is my sister jessica. she's diseased!"
i won't go as far as to say i was traumatized, although the fact that the moment is burned into my memory speaks for itself. at that point, i'd come to accept the fact that i was {as she so politely put it} diseased.
the point is, the last few weeks, i strugs. although, i'm not sure i'm exactly using the word correctly.
at first, living in seattle didn't seem to phase me much more than making me forget to breath several times a day {stress or beauty... or both}. i remember distinctly telling my mother that i expected to have at least a small emotional breakdown after being here for a week or so. after all, it's kind of the way my body deals with change sometimes. a good cry can be a good thing. but for some reason, i couldn't really relax enough to cry, and everything just kept building up and up and up.
and then, i cried. and since then, i haven't really been able to stop. not to say i'm crying all the time. but moreso than any self-respecting individual wants to cry.
i came to seattle with this team with the awareness that i might have difficulty with several things.
first, i'm on a team of perpetual over-achievers who have their lives planned by day for the next five years. yes, i've been accused of being an over-achiever, but now that i've been placed in a league of them, i've realized the title is not mine, nor do i want it to be. i'm a peaceful person, who likes simplicity, quiet nights at home, and a low-stress environment. i don't think i want a graduate degree, and after i graduate i don't really know what the next step in life will be. i'd rather be a full-time mom with a part time yoga-teaching job than a 40-hour-a-week career woman, if that's in the up-stairs plans for me. for the girls on this team, that mindset seems unusual. most of them know where they want to go to grad school (although i'm closer to graduation than most of them and i'm still unsure if i'm going to grad school or not). most of them are actively moving toward a full-time career. true, most of them also want to be mothers, but in the words of one of the female professors we met with, "why not have both??"
is it really that odd to just... not want both? to be honest, the idea of having a full-time career while trying to be a good wife and even thinking about children just kind of makes me sick. i take my hat off to the women that can do it all, while very simply saying, i'm just not one of them.
and then there's the endless debate of what actually is driving that personal desire. am i just lazy to only want one instead of trying to have both at once? would i rather not compete for full-time careers because i think i wouldn't have what it takes in that area? would i be selling myself short or stifling the academic talent i've been given if i stop at a bachelor's degree, and in the future decline full-time work to raise children?
truthfully, i have never felt so tormented by the bind of that decision. i understand this is far, far in my future. however, i also understand that my present path will determine my future, and after seeing the dollar amount of my undergraduate education, i won't be choosing an academic path that doesn't lead to at least some financial compensation, if i chose an academic future at all.
really, i believe in marriage and in motherhood. and i believe in those things as a highest life priority - way, way above a career for me.
society expects women to have successful careers, be wonderful wives and mothers, to do both at the same time and to want to do both just as much. but... isn't it okay just to pick one?
mostly, it's wonderful to be surrounded by other young women who are high achievers because it pushes me see how far i can stretch - and teaches me my limits, too. it's impressive to see girls who are driven enough to insist that life give them both {family and career} at the same time. but it's also difficult to have different expectations, to want different things, and to value much different things in life, too.
and that's why i strugs this summer. because it's hard to feel different.
by the way, as a way to end this discussion about society's expectation for women, i'd like to say...
happy father's day!!!
especially to my dad.
he is the best father that anyone could ever have. i look up to him more than anyone else. thank you, dad, for always being there to listen, to give me advice, steer me back on track, and make sure i'm doing okay. i value your support and love so very much. and i love you with all my heart!
have a happy father's day!
Saturday, June 11
for crying out loud, have a cupcake.
in my experience, there is a theme among roommates these days.
after graduating from high school, i received one of the most influential gifts ever given to me: vegan cupcakes take over the world. yes, i can thank my lovely sister lori for changing my life. for a solid year, i made vegan cupcakes like i owned a bakery. several batches a week! it taught me that when you give people cupcakes, it makes them happy, then they love you. {as illustrated by the diagram below.} by the way, this is just background information - i'm getting to my point in a moment. anyway, this is a natural cycle, process of life. give people delicious things to eat and they will love you.
cupcake-love diagram
HOWEVER.
in my experience, this apparently universal truth is subject to a complete phenomena when the female brain hits age twenty. see, when i moved into my first apartment, one of the first things i said to my new roommate was, "hey. i'm going to make you cupcakes and you're going to love me." {okay, not literally, but you get the idea. i did in fact tell her i was going to make her cupcakes.} she replied with, "no, don't! i don't want to eat that. i'll throw them away!"
that was the beginning of the decline in my delectable pastry baking. since that time, i have always had at least one roommate who protested the making of sweet-things in the apartment. {with several small-period exceptions.} therefore, i should not have been surprised when not one, but two of my roommates this summer protest the making of only-slightly-unhealthy delishishness.
here's the kicker:
i've recently learned that it isn't just my roommates. oh, sure, give cupcakes to the male interns and they'd have a party! but, to the gals? think again.
one is abstaining from all desserts for the entire summer {believe me, sugar's in more than desserts, ladies.} one will eat desserts, but only if it doesn't make her calorie-count for the day spike too much. another, zero carbohydrates for the summer. yet another will only eat bread on the weekends, and her roommate is supporting the goal by joining in the obsessive restriction of all things bread.
are we stressed, ladies?
don't get me wrong, i've had my share of sugar-free days, weeks, months... my sister has been upset more than once by my restriction of sweets. i've had my share of eating obsessions, but from them i've learned that over restriction and dieting only leads to binging, out-of-whack hormones, and still more obsession.
it's time we reconsider the pressure we're putting on ourselves, don't you think?
because after all, with the demands we're placing on our bodies and minds, eventually something's going snap.
i've started reading the triple bind, and it speaks to me. it talks about the pressures of being female in today's society, and yaknow... they have a point.
more to follow.
Saturday, June 4
writer's block.
life's been strange the past week{ish}. and several times i've started to mentally blame my neglected blog on the fact that i'm busy. but really, let's be honest, here. i'm just going through a significant period of writer's block. about every other day, i sit down at my computer to write and something unusual happens: nothing.
every time i'm just...kind of, well... blank.
this summer's already been a swirl of decisions made, second-guessed, and called off. plan-b's thought through entirely only to be discarded. on one hand, it's already been an exhaustingly moody summer. but on the other hand, it's been mostly many moments of pure happiness. but... on the third hand, i've had more days of depressed restlessness than ever before. i've known concretely what the next year of my life will look like six different times already - and none of them overlap even the slightest. i've cursed the cold for seeping into every possible crack it could and screamed at the humidity for making me sticky and sweaty. i've apologized for being a horrible person multiple times to my work partner, my roommates, my boyfriend, and my messy room {which takes the brunt of it all}.
yesterday {while i couldn't think of anything to write}, i read over several posts i wrote from last summer, which {if i had to title it} would be the time period of finding inner-joy. i looked back and marveled. i wrote those words? while i remember learning those lessons, i'm not sure what happened between points a and b. not that i'm unhappy. not in the least.
just excessively inconsistent.
i'm the kind of person that thrives on structure - scheduled {but not overly-busy} days. predictability in almost every area of life. spontaneity present, but definitely on a back-burner. and i have fully realized that if i wanted to stick with that high-structure sorta thing, i definitely picked the wrong summer job.
but we end up with the things in life that help us grow, yes?
yes. yes, we do.
looking back i can see what a massive period of growth last summer was for me, and i can only hope that in hindsight this summer will look similar. i feel like i'm learning some of the same lessons {over and over and over again}, but in circumstances that increasingly build in difficulty. last summer i learned to find joy in life while in the most predictable and safe setting possible, home. this summer, i'm trying to learn to find that inner peace and joy while in an extremely unpredictable setting, one that is constantly changing and constantly go go going. it's more difficult, that's for sure.
but... {deep inhale breath}
hard is good.
and i can do hard.
also, this whole "what do i want to do with my life after school" thing is really starting to drive me crazy. so, let's take a pole, shall we? :)
things that very well could be in jessica's future {aka, pick the future you want to vicariously live through my blog}:
every time i'm just...kind of, well... blank.
this summer's already been a swirl of decisions made, second-guessed, and called off. plan-b's thought through entirely only to be discarded. on one hand, it's already been an exhaustingly moody summer. but on the other hand, it's been mostly many moments of pure happiness. but... on the third hand, i've had more days of depressed restlessness than ever before. i've known concretely what the next year of my life will look like six different times already - and none of them overlap even the slightest. i've cursed the cold for seeping into every possible crack it could and screamed at the humidity for making me sticky and sweaty. i've apologized for being a horrible person multiple times to my work partner, my roommates, my boyfriend, and my messy room {which takes the brunt of it all}.
yesterday {while i couldn't think of anything to write}, i read over several posts i wrote from last summer, which {if i had to title it} would be the time period of finding inner-joy. i looked back and marveled. i wrote those words? while i remember learning those lessons, i'm not sure what happened between points a and b. not that i'm unhappy. not in the least.
just excessively inconsistent.
i'm the kind of person that thrives on structure - scheduled {but not overly-busy} days. predictability in almost every area of life. spontaneity present, but definitely on a back-burner. and i have fully realized that if i wanted to stick with that high-structure sorta thing, i definitely picked the wrong summer job.
but we end up with the things in life that help us grow, yes?
yes. yes, we do.
looking back i can see what a massive period of growth last summer was for me, and i can only hope that in hindsight this summer will look similar. i feel like i'm learning some of the same lessons {over and over and over again}, but in circumstances that increasingly build in difficulty. last summer i learned to find joy in life while in the most predictable and safe setting possible, home. this summer, i'm trying to learn to find that inner peace and joy while in an extremely unpredictable setting, one that is constantly changing and constantly go go going. it's more difficult, that's for sure.
but... {deep inhale breath}
hard is good.
and i can do hard.
also, this whole "what do i want to do with my life after school" thing is really starting to drive me crazy. so, let's take a pole, shall we? :)
things that very well could be in jessica's future {aka, pick the future you want to vicariously live through my blog}:
- social work master's degree
- yoga teaching certification program
- massage therapy school
- family studies research master's degree
- holistic nutrition and healing master's degree
- or the all-present option of calling a bachelor's degree sufficient and finding a groovy job at a cool cafe or bakery while being poor and having time to read books i want to read, run races i want to run, and get a dog.
and honestly, that last one is awful appealing, lately.
and now i'm going to go do yoga and meditate about all that stuff for a while {which really means i'll be thinking of anything BUT those things}.
this summer's mantra: "i can be happy independent of my environment, my schedule, and my messy apartment."
now... to prove it.
happy weekend :)
Friday, May 27
the ice cream that changed my life, among other things.
of course, the first thing i have to take pictures of is food. naturally :)
first comes first. it was a big day for brittany - she'd been home from her mission for one whole year! because she served spanish speaking, mexican food was on the menu. however, we were all a little short on energy and patience after our evening interviews... not to mention we were going to eat each other if we didn't get food quick. so, we decided to take a trip down to the corner taco stand. great stuff, that.
first comes first. it was a big day for brittany - she'd been home from her mission for one whole year! because she served spanish speaking, mexican food was on the menu. however, we were all a little short on energy and patience after our evening interviews... not to mention we were going to eat each other if we didn't get food quick. so, we decided to take a trip down to the corner taco stand. great stuff, that.
"now, for the camera, we'll introduce you. from left to right, this is victoria, brittany, and jessica." - direct quote from the flourishing families interview script.
brittany on {okay, two days after} her big day.
next, pictures of something that really did change my life. molly moon's. one the best things i've ever put in my mouth. really, seriously, it's just that darn good. i don't even eat sugar, and this is good enough i'd be willing to make a once-a-week exception to the rule for the summer.
really, it's that good.
brittany, victoria, and me - happy lil' roommates.
brooke and liz - two of the coolest gals ever.
brooke, thoroughly enjoying her double-scoop waffle cone of sasquatch and salted caramel.
me, simply falling even deeper in love with this glorious substance. double-scoop waffle cone of sasquatch and honey lavender. {ps. the sasquatch is one of the best things ever invented - theo chocolate with caramel, chocolate, and granola.}
victoria and brittany - feeding each other like the loving roommates they are.
liz and victoria - both bowls gone - one of the most satisfying and disappointing feelings one could have.
more, please? :)
Sunday, May 22
apartment number 311a.
it's high time i properly introduced my new setting - and its relevant characters.
upon arriving in seattle in the pouring rain {nearly a month ago}, i was informed by a handsome man with a thick beautiful accent that i would be staying in apartment number 311a. my first impressions of the apartment was that the hallway smelled funny - which it does. perpetually. however, the giant red wall and adjacent wall of windows makes up for the smell that usually doesn't cross the 311 threshold anyway. as i've said before, 311a has character. we have a decent sized balcony {perfect for reading when the sun's out}. although it has two bedrooms, they are in no way created equal. luckily, i share the master bedroom - complete with its own tiny balcony and a half bathroom. the other bedroom is rather cramped, but livable. every time we open the bathroom door after taking a shower, our fire-alarm goes off and it takes a good ten minutes before it will be quiet. i think it might be slightly impairing my hearing. also, every time anyone turns on a hair-dryer, the power goes off and we have to flip all the breakers. that can't be a good sign, i'm sure. the kitchen is small, and generally unremarkable. however, our view does deserve remark. as mentioned before {several times}, from our windows, you'd think we live in a treehouse. all the buildings in our apartment complex {which is massive, by the way} look kind of cabin-like. okay, well...like four-story cabins. but they blend into the trees, and the squirrels and crows and finches complete the woodsy feeling i get every time i look out the windows. the tibetan prayer flags hung outside our window also add a nice touch. however, we still do not have a trash can.
i live in 311a with three other girls - also flourishing families researchers {which means we talk about work a lot}. upon moving in, melissa gave each of us in 311a "street names." that means she calls brittany "butters," victoria "beckster," and me "j-jo." sometimes brittany is also "bunnie." this creates a strange kind of name separation in my mind and every time i try to address one of my roommates i'm not quite sure what's going to come out. the most common mistake is that i call melissa "melanie" - all the time. which doesn't exactly make her happy. so i've resorted to trying to only call her "mel," which should solve the problem.
in mel's words, victoria is almost as earthy as i am. victoria is a vegetarian foodie, a vocabulary einstein, and {like me} reads social science literature for pleasure. eating mangoes is one of her favorite things to do in the entire world. she has an incredible {and incredibly unique} sense of humor. her favorite color is purple, and she's a night-owl. she brought me breakfast this morning while i was in bed and not feeling well: peppermint tea, two buttermilk scones with honey, and apple slices. yes, i loved it and her.
brittany, or butters {i still haven't found a happy medium of exactly what to call her}, is sweet. we met in family finance last semester before either of us knew we were both going to seattle with the flourishing families project, and we both very much wanted to be friends. little did we know, we'd end up living together for the summer. she has long reddish brown hair that makes me miss long hair quite a bit. she's calm and fun-loving and is one of the best talk-to people i've ever met. mostly, she's a great support. and she's learning to play victoria's guitar.
mel completes our ensemble. if i had to describe her in one word, it would be intense..or maybe crazy... or extreme... or... okay, really i wouldn't describe her in one word at all. she runs marathons, kick boxes, and is very tan. she's exuberant and social {a california girl through and through}, and she loves a good party. she has a curious mind and learns from the people around her - a talent, in my opinion. she's obsessed with costco tortillas, and doesn't call anyone by their real name. if she had her way, the apartment wouldn't have any doors - not even on the bathrooms.
it's been a different experience living with people i don't know. there isn't nearly as much privacy as i'm used to, and communicated boundaries has been an experience. mostly, we've already had loads of silly fun. and really, with this crazy job, i'm quite happy i'm living with a support group who knows the ups and downs of a research position. we're kind of an odd group, but really... life's more fun that way, anyway!
upon arriving in seattle in the pouring rain {nearly a month ago}, i was informed by a handsome man with a thick beautiful accent that i would be staying in apartment number 311a. my first impressions of the apartment was that the hallway smelled funny - which it does. perpetually. however, the giant red wall and adjacent wall of windows makes up for the smell that usually doesn't cross the 311 threshold anyway. as i've said before, 311a has character. we have a decent sized balcony {perfect for reading when the sun's out}. although it has two bedrooms, they are in no way created equal. luckily, i share the master bedroom - complete with its own tiny balcony and a half bathroom. the other bedroom is rather cramped, but livable. every time we open the bathroom door after taking a shower, our fire-alarm goes off and it takes a good ten minutes before it will be quiet. i think it might be slightly impairing my hearing. also, every time anyone turns on a hair-dryer, the power goes off and we have to flip all the breakers. that can't be a good sign, i'm sure. the kitchen is small, and generally unremarkable. however, our view does deserve remark. as mentioned before {several times}, from our windows, you'd think we live in a treehouse. all the buildings in our apartment complex {which is massive, by the way} look kind of cabin-like. okay, well...like four-story cabins. but they blend into the trees, and the squirrels and crows and finches complete the woodsy feeling i get every time i look out the windows. the tibetan prayer flags hung outside our window also add a nice touch. however, we still do not have a trash can.
i live in 311a with three other girls - also flourishing families researchers {which means we talk about work a lot}. upon moving in, melissa gave each of us in 311a "street names." that means she calls brittany "butters," victoria "beckster," and me "j-jo." sometimes brittany is also "bunnie." this creates a strange kind of name separation in my mind and every time i try to address one of my roommates i'm not quite sure what's going to come out. the most common mistake is that i call melissa "melanie" - all the time. which doesn't exactly make her happy. so i've resorted to trying to only call her "mel," which should solve the problem.
in mel's words, victoria is almost as earthy as i am. victoria is a vegetarian foodie, a vocabulary einstein, and {like me} reads social science literature for pleasure. eating mangoes is one of her favorite things to do in the entire world. she has an incredible {and incredibly unique} sense of humor. her favorite color is purple, and she's a night-owl. she brought me breakfast this morning while i was in bed and not feeling well: peppermint tea, two buttermilk scones with honey, and apple slices. yes, i loved it and her.
brittany, or butters {i still haven't found a happy medium of exactly what to call her}, is sweet. we met in family finance last semester before either of us knew we were both going to seattle with the flourishing families project, and we both very much wanted to be friends. little did we know, we'd end up living together for the summer. she has long reddish brown hair that makes me miss long hair quite a bit. she's calm and fun-loving and is one of the best talk-to people i've ever met. mostly, she's a great support. and she's learning to play victoria's guitar.
mel completes our ensemble. if i had to describe her in one word, it would be intense..or maybe crazy... or extreme... or... okay, really i wouldn't describe her in one word at all. she runs marathons, kick boxes, and is very tan. she's exuberant and social {a california girl through and through}, and she loves a good party. she has a curious mind and learns from the people around her - a talent, in my opinion. she's obsessed with costco tortillas, and doesn't call anyone by their real name. if she had her way, the apartment wouldn't have any doors - not even on the bathrooms.
it's been a different experience living with people i don't know. there isn't nearly as much privacy as i'm used to, and communicated boundaries has been an experience. mostly, we've already had loads of silly fun. and really, with this crazy job, i'm quite happy i'm living with a support group who knows the ups and downs of a research position. we're kind of an odd group, but really... life's more fun that way, anyway!
Saturday, May 21
thoughts on rest and days off.
this weekend, my body's forcing me to take a mandatory few days off. which, i'll admit, is always better to schedule myself than have my body schedule it for me. but either way, i'll feel better afterward. at the moment, i'm not exactly enjoying the large cold sore on my chin, but i have learned a few things. okay... not really learned, re-learened. or remembered..
1. my body can handle a couple weeks of heightened sugar intake just fine - as long as i have a couple weeks after that of no stress, almost perfect diet, and consistent exercise. oh yeah, and lots of sleep. during the last couple weeks of winter semester, i was eating quite a bit more sugar than my body is used to. coming from that into a work environment {that's been a big change and a kind of a constant, nagging sort of stress}, i shouldn't have been surprised when my body said, "wait a minute...I DON'T HAVE THE NUTRIENTS I NEED TO DEAL WITH THIS!" and then.... crash. first headaches, then fatigue, then neck pain, then cold sore. it did try to give me warning signs, first. so i can't complain.
2. speaking of warning signs, this has been a great re-learning experience because i've remembered that i need to pay attention to those warning signs my body's giving me and do something about them instead of just shrugging them off and saying, "oh, my headache will go away eventually." the last three weeks in seattle, i've been shrugging-off all the signals my body's sending me more than ever. but i'm glad to have a reminder. now, i'm going to re-start working to stay more in-tune with what my body needs. i'm going to do more yoga, eat more vegetables, and make some time every day for just me - to meditate and relax.
3. i've also learned yet another lesson about social comparison. i'm competitive - if you don't believe me, just come play cards with me and my sisters. i worried, coming up here, that i wouldn't be able to keep up. after all, i'm with a group of students that are elite - to say the least. i'm not sure how in the world i was placed with most of them, to be honest. while i've taken big leaps in not comparing myself to others physically, it's okay to compare myself in every other way, right? ...wrong. dead wrong, in fact. everyone has their own individual 100%. for some, that means a fifty-hour work week, for others it's a casual twenty. while twenty-hour work weeks here won't quite cut it {for the next several weeks, at least}, i'm finding that i can't push myself to the same limits that others judge their work by. i can make sure i'm collecting quality data, doing my best in everything i'm doing, but not taking on so much that i'm overwhelmed. individual's work styles are just about as different as individual's physical-selves. and that's why there's no good in comparing - even though it happens often in all different settings.
to be honest, i'm really glad i have a couple of days to slow down. i didn't realize how absolutely out-of-touch with myself i was until i woke up this morning. these next couple of days will be used to center myself again - return to being okay with my inner-self, so i can work with my body to accomplish what i need to, instead of ignoring its limits and trying to push to the extreme.
speaking of extreme... from the internet, i've been exploring bikram yoga studios in seattle, and i can tell you i'm more than intrigued. i've been wanting an extra push when it comes to yoga, lately, and i think this might be the thing to try. 105 degrees with 50% humidity, and it's 90 minutes long. eek! it scares me... but one of the biggest reasons i'm here is to overcome things that scare me {more on that to come}. so i'm going to give it a try. i'm going to work up to it, first. despite their claim that you don't need to even be physically active to try it, i'd like to not embarrass myself. :)
also, there is the cutest little finch that's building a nest outside my window today. she keeps standing on my windowsill with her beak absolutely stuffed with grass. she looks in and twitches her head back and forth as if she's trying to say, "hey! i need some help here! this stuff is so heavy!" it's adorable. and i wish i could help her. be strong, little bird!
Monday, May 16
so pretty much, i love.
today, life's been darn good.
earli{er} morning - when the sun came up.
video-chats with my musician.
run around greenlake.
half-day off to grocery shop.
beautiful organic produce and artisan bread.
chats with the family.
a {tiny} glimpse of the sun.
productive office hours.
cold water from the klean kanteen, with a drop of digetzen.
a wall of only windows.
tristan prettyman, then switchfoot.
squirrels.
lunch with my roommates.
amazon student - with books on the way.
and mostly a lot more peace than was present in my life last week.
Sunday, May 15
sufficiently humbled.
i've been in freak-out mode for the last few days. okay, so maybe i've just had really bad pms - which {i admit freely} every few months turns me into an emotional monster. and yes, for the past several days, i've been nothing short of an emotional monster. i've complained about tiny things that really didn't matter, i angered over things that normally would have me laughing.... you know the drill. mostly, my natural reactions to basic situations have been out of control. for example, when the second counselor in my single's ward asked me {today} to speak in church next week, before i stopped myself, i blurted out, "NEXT WEEK???" he stammered for a minute, then said, "um... i am sorry about the short notice."
i accepted happily, of course. but i feel like lately my life's been in that sort of panic mode. some unexpected happens and i freak out for a minute before realizing, oh yeah, this is just life!
i could blame it on pms all i want, and believe me, it's a truth that everything has been absolutely exemplified by my reeling emotions the last week, but in reality - straight, unemotional reality - i've been on freak-out mode, too.
i've been so busy that a lot of the basics have fallen by the wayside a little. running, sleep, eating habits, scripture study... it's all been extremely sporadic. and today, during church, i felt very humbled. very instructed.
i realized how much i've been relying on my own strength to get me through the first few weeks of this internship, to get me through being away from the people i love. and i've been so afraid that my strength wouldn't be enough. the crazed freak-out mode was a result of me knowing {deep down} that i just didn't have enough to do it. and i don't - that, i know for sure. i don't have what it takes to be this far out of my comfort zone every single day. i don't have what it takes to be so far away from everyone i love so much and still have the emotional strength and capacity to do what i need to here and love them from far away.
then i realized how silly i was being. as humans, i know we have a tendency to rely on ourselves - it's our nature. but it's never enough. and one of the biggest tests of this life is to see if we figure out who to turn to. after realizing how much i've relied on my own strength the past little while, i feel a little ridiculous - because i know better. but luckily, Heavenly Father is always there. even when we realize He's been waiting a long time for us to simply ask.
and now that i've realized this, really and fully, i have a feeling things are going to be looking up a little. it's always easier when two are carrying the burden of one. and i know with His help, i can do a lot more than i even know. which is so comforting, right now. because there's a lot that i know i can't do on my own, in my future.
so today, i've re-evaluated my priorities and rearranged my time a little so i can put Him back in first place. and it's extremely relieving to have finally realized that all i really have to do is ask, then listen, then obey.
i accepted happily, of course. but i feel like lately my life's been in that sort of panic mode. some unexpected happens and i freak out for a minute before realizing, oh yeah, this is just life!
i could blame it on pms all i want, and believe me, it's a truth that everything has been absolutely exemplified by my reeling emotions the last week, but in reality - straight, unemotional reality - i've been on freak-out mode, too.
i've been so busy that a lot of the basics have fallen by the wayside a little. running, sleep, eating habits, scripture study... it's all been extremely sporadic. and today, during church, i felt very humbled. very instructed.
i realized how much i've been relying on my own strength to get me through the first few weeks of this internship, to get me through being away from the people i love. and i've been so afraid that my strength wouldn't be enough. the crazed freak-out mode was a result of me knowing {deep down} that i just didn't have enough to do it. and i don't - that, i know for sure. i don't have what it takes to be this far out of my comfort zone every single day. i don't have what it takes to be so far away from everyone i love so much and still have the emotional strength and capacity to do what i need to here and love them from far away.
then i realized how silly i was being. as humans, i know we have a tendency to rely on ourselves - it's our nature. but it's never enough. and one of the biggest tests of this life is to see if we figure out who to turn to. after realizing how much i've relied on my own strength the past little while, i feel a little ridiculous - because i know better. but luckily, Heavenly Father is always there. even when we realize He's been waiting a long time for us to simply ask.
and now that i've realized this, really and fully, i have a feeling things are going to be looking up a little. it's always easier when two are carrying the burden of one. and i know with His help, i can do a lot more than i even know. which is so comforting, right now. because there's a lot that i know i can't do on my own, in my future.
so today, i've re-evaluated my priorities and rearranged my time a little so i can put Him back in first place. and it's extremely relieving to have finally realized that all i really have to do is ask, then listen, then obey.
uncomfortable.
it has again been positively too long. i'm still figuring things out, here in seattle. still trying to get into a routine, some sort of schedule that gives me room to breath, to cook, to run, and to blog.
it was a beautiful day, today. sunny, slightly cloudy, evening rainstorm, and high sixties. it's been a beautiful week. one morning, bekah and i went to greenlake together to take a morning run. greenlake is already one of my favorite places in the city. the trail around the small, clear lake is almost three miles and full of joggers, dogs, rollerbladers, walkers, runners, and bikes. people are friendly when they exercise and being there feels safe, feels most like home, so far. that morning was completely clear. we started running just as the sun was coming up, and i've seen few things as beautiful. the reflection off the water was so bright that i could hardly see anything for several minutes. canadian geese glided around the lake, squirrels dashed out of their trees to see the sun, and i was more energetic than i've been in weeks. it was a glorious morning - one where my feet felt like they were flying, my lungs had air to spare, and the breeze cooled me off just enough. it reminded me of the reasons i run - why i would never give it up.
greenlake is a close second to my red mountain running trail. i've never ran anywhere quite as beautiful as the red mountains of ivins, but greenlake is a different experience. running by a lake is much different than running in the quiet stability of mountains. it took a couple times to really get the feel for it - the enjoyment of the water, the way i enjoy the mountains. but now, i look forward to nothing quite as much in my day-to-day.
i wonder sometimes why we do things that make us uncomfortable. why do people run, move to countries where they don't speak the language, accept jobs and internships that are far out of their comfort zone? so many of the big things in life don't have guaranteed outcomes. it's impossible to say whether we'll look back and see the best experience of a lifetime or the most ridiculous mistake you've ever made.
tonight, i'm really not sure why i do those things that scare me and make me uncomfortable. i think the human race, in general, is a little masochistic.
it's been one of those long, loooong weeks that fly by so quickly i don't remember what i really did. i'm excited tomorrow is sunday - the day when i don't need to be pushed to work. when i can rest - really, really rest.
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