loving the least-of-things in life.

today i love sunshine in the mornings and 82 degrees. displaying grackles and a mockingbird friend's tail poking out of her nest. i love getting things done and scrubbing the heck out of the darn tub. i love chocolate peanut butter everything (always). time to myself to read and think and write and explore my own heart. i love being tricked into getting up on time (really, that ten minutes makes a lot of difference sometimes). quiet workdays and thoughtful friends. meaningful conversations, spiritual revelations, being content with my own physical form. teachings of buddha, my own hands opening, letting energy and love flow in and out, both ways. lists lists lists. saturdays off work and one day to sleep in just an hour or two. dinner by the lake and barn swallows with their forked tails and deep blue wings. sore legs, sore chest, sore arms, sore back, sore butt. pink socks, quilts and brandon sanderson. banana chocolate chip muffins and almond joy green smoothies. throwing things away (oh, so many things). the luke skywalker bobble-head on my desk, next to my solar-powered waving daisy - his and hers. house sparrows at the feeder, fat and fighting. today i love the things that make me feel alive, that pulse of personality and joy. today i love that phase of spring that can't hold back summer's passion any longer. the explosion of life, the sun bright overhead.

Daily Affirmations

Today, I am courageously accepting my body exactly the way it is. I am beautiful and have great capacity for love - that means loving myself, too.

Today I am mindfully recognizing the blessings God has given me. I am a beloved daughter of great worth to the Lord. He is present and in tune to my needs.

Today I am faithfully accepting God's will for me. His hand is guiding my life - I need not fear.

what freedom is

this afternoon, i fulfilled a lifelong desire. the desire to run is planted deep in my soul; my body aches for movement in the sunshine. but there are always limitations. time is almost always a factor - in the morning, always something else to get to, to get the run over for. breath - if you run out, there's just not much you can do about it. aches in my stomach and legs factor into the distance, and then there's weather. morning runs in the summer are glorious, but eventually it just gets too darn hot. winter, the tolerance is only so long, and the remaining two seasons tend to be fairly unpredictable. it's hard to run in rain and snow if you're dressed for warm sunshine.

all those factors hold me back at times. but the treatment i give my body holds me back most.

deep in my bones, i want to feel the call of the sunshine and dirt, have the time and physical capacity to run until i'm satisfied without any restraints. freedom. that's what the desire speaks of.


this afternoon, i set out to the gym with my love. it's been unusually cold lately. the gym has been a refuge for the two of us who less-than-love the icy wind. as we pulled into the parking lot, we noticed the sun come out and start to warm the air around us. it was 5:00 pm, the gym's busiest time, which for different reasons isn't particularly good for either of us.

a moment's contemplation and we pulled away and headed for the running trail. we set off at a brisk walk only, hand in hand. the sun warmed and awakened my heart. big, empty sky in all directions, pale spring blue.

the changing air called my soul to stay as long as i could and with most of the afternoon free, we found ourselves on an unexpected 4 mile run.

freedom, that's what it felt like.


two years ago, i would have been sick afterward and my body would have protested every step. but i still forced myself through sometimes, and i felt like a captive: forcing my body to burn off the calories whether my body liked it or not. i've run 7 miles before - that's the furthest i've ever gone. i remember building up to it. sometimes feeling elated, sometimes weak and dizzy. my body didn't know what to expect because i was starving it, gorging myself, running every day some weeks and some months going without any exercise at all.

my treatment of my physical self was unpredictable at best. self-abusive is probably a better description, and i'm not just talking about the eating disorder. i'm talking about the way i looked at myself in the mirror, the things i put my body through, the mistrust and control i exerted. and in return, i was a prisoner in my body. contained in a physical form that i hated for its limitations. it bound me. i had to fast and cleanse, exercise for an hour every single day and eat nothing but the purest, healthiest food the earth would give me...otherwise i would gain weight, be completely out of control, feel terrible because of all the piling-up health problems and ultimately would be worthless.

i was wrong.

almost a year ago now, on a day in the middle of may, i gave up the battle. i dropped the rope that bound me to my tearful tug-of-war with my body and walked away from it. i decided that it wasn't worth it.

i was sick of being terrified of gaining 5 pounds, sick of the guilt for eating an extra handful of chocolate chips. i wanted to be more than my battle with my body, desperately. i didn't want to look back at my life and see that the biggest theme was that i was always trying to lose weight and be healthier. there are more important things than this! my soul screamed.

so i decided to stop. i decided i would stop trying to lose weight - that i wasn't allowed to try to lose weight or entertain thoughts about it for a year. the time frame was important to me. i was terrified, first of all. terrified that the decision would mean my weight would sky-rocket and my discomfortl with my body would go with it. a time frame gave me a point at which i could say enough...if i needed to.

the alternative was simple: i would eat when i was hungry, building a practice of mindfulness so i could hear my body tell me when i was hungry and full. i would exercise consistently, but never push my body past what felt good. it sounds simple; it felt revolutionary.

i wanted to respect my body and build a relationship of trust with the physical form i inhabit. i wanted my body to trust me - really trust that it could tell me something and i would listen and act. this also meant no more beating my body down. (if you want a strong relationship with a friend, do you constantly tell them they aren't good enough? why, then, do we do this to ourselves if we want a strong, healthy body?)

it'll be a year in a little over a month. i was terrified at first, but now it's become more of a manifesto, a standard i've committed to live my life by. i didn't gain weight, by the way, but instead am in the best shape of my life. but it wouldn't have mattered. the point is that now i'm free - free to think of things other than weight and calories and ingredient labels. i'm free to wear whatever i want everyday instead of basing my clothing choices on how fat i felt and how big i thought my stomach was. the bare truth is, if you treat your body well consistently it becomes consistent. it trusts you.


this is all to say, today i went on a glorious 4 mile run in the sunshine and it meant more than i could have imagined. my body trusted that i wouldn't run myself into the ground, so it let go and really let me run comfortably. i'd been eating what felt good, so i had the energy and nutrients my body needed. i had build up my exercise consistently, slowly. built a strong base from which i could explore.

it felt like freedom. tangible and sweet. warm like the spring sun on my face. i wasn't caring about how many calories i was burning or the exact milage i was putting in for the week. i was expending some extra energy my body had because it asked me to, it called to me to run a little further. it felt glorious.

freedom.

freedom to eat when i feel like it, whatever i feel like. freedom to run whenever i want to - as long or as little as i want.

freedom to not worry about my weight. to keep a broken scale in the bathroom and not care to replace it.

freedom to live and think about things that matter more than 5 pounds. things that matter desperately more than 5 pounds, or 10 pounds or 40 pounds.

this afternoon, i felt that freedom, felt it real and tangibly surrounding me. and it is more beautiful than i could have ever expected when i made the decision a year ago to simply give up and let go of the battle.

i gave up and found that real life is sweet. i discovered that when i'm not worrying about weight and calories and how healthy my lunch is or isn't, i have space to breath, space for serenity and love. i discovered that self-hatred and criticism can't coexist with real health. it's just not possible to tell your body it isn't enough and expect it to give you a good physical experience.

i learned that i can love myself no matter what my weight and i learned that losing weight doens't improve your self esteem and never will. i learned love and peace and acceptance. i learned how to trust and respect myself. in return, i've been given freedom. freedom that i think most women haven't yet tasted. and i'm afraid many won't choose to.

and honestly, that freedom is the sweetest gift on earth i feel a woman can receive.

i am grateful for that gift, for that freedom.

What I'm Reading

Today, I'm midway through the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, and it is wonderful. It's one of those books that makes you think so differently than you ever have before - about your experiences in life, about where your life is headed, and about God. My relationship with God.

One idea in the book is to set aside time in your life for private worship - not just a minute here and there in prayer, but actual time. Several hours a week, even, of true worship. It got me thinking of what connects me most to God. In what ways do I feel closest to God and most loved by Him? When do I feel like He is most aware of me? I'm not one who has an easy time feeling extremely close to God at church. I love serving in the church at times; I know the ordinances there are necessary and deeply good for me. ...And often there are just too many distractions for me to really feel connected to God. Sometimes there are too many other people in the way, or their words just aren't pure truths that ring in my heart.

Immediately, I think of being outside. In nature, in the mountains. That's when I feel most connected to my Heavenly Father. When I can wander in the mountains and enjoy the absolute pure beauty all around me that He created for me, my soul sings worship. When I'm enjoying His natural creations, my heart naturally turns toward Him.

When I think about spending several hours a week in worship, being in nature could be a large part of it for me. I'm on a search for other things that make me feel naturally worshipful, that help me feel the devotion to God that I have and develop it further. Early quiet mornings, sometimes stillness and sometimes song. I know making music swells my heart in that way and helps me feel His touch on my heart, as does listening to the Christian rock station on my way to and from work at times. There I find messages meant just for me.

From a marriage retreat I attended over a year ago, I remember a list given to me of different ways that we fallen creatures can connect with the Divine. I think there were twelve categories. While I don't remember most, I know things like meditation and connection with others appeared on the list, along with other contradictions. We can experience God in our lives in so many different ways. Some seem so contradicting because we're all so different - we come to God naturally in very very different ways. I'd like to expand my horizons - seek out new ways in which to know God, for myself.

Today, that might mean conversation more centered on Christ. Tomorrow, perhaps a walk by the lake on my own. For certain, this book is a new way in and of itself, and inside it are so many ways to deepen my relationship with God and let him heal my heart.

Cookie Adventures

A week ago (or so) I got a big craving for the perfect chocolate chip cookie. This isn't that unusual, but this time I really wanted to try a different recipe. I've used the same one for as long as I can remember, which goes back to preteen days. Swimming in the backyard pool with my bestie Jessie W. and eating cookie dough to our heart's delight while playing Stratego, now that was what I call a summer break. It's been a long, long time. I've tried other recipes, but they just never seem to measure up... So I stick to the one that tried and true: the cookie recipe of my childhood. But this day, this day I found a recipe to trump all others. My friend, meet The Chocolate Chip Cookie...

Yes, this is the ultimate chocolate chip cookie. Chewy and warm. Crisp on the outside, but ultimately gooey in center. Basically the best cookie I've ever made (which, I'm telling you, was the biggest success of the year considering the condemned oven this apartment houses).

And here's our cookie face:

That might not look like a good face...but it is. I promise.

Recipe credit goes to In the Little Red House. She's right - the sprinkle of salt before baking just does wonders.

Mindfulness

today i'm feeling aggressive. it's felt good to throw my energy at things - the ground, a book, a project. mentally hurling my energy in any direction has given me more satisfaction than anything else today.

physically, i'm feeling really well and healthy. my body feels slim and lean and ready to move. it feels ready for summer and hiking and fun. long arms, lean core, powerful legs.

i'm feeling pretty relaxed today. there's a tiny bit of tension in the back of my neck (most likely from my bad mood this morning), and i'm a little tired from sitting so long, and otherwise i'm feeling great! loose and relaxed. my shoulders feel light, my legs feel stable, my arms energized.

today, i'm fighting a little shame for the chocolate and peanut butter. i'm also telling myself that it's absolutely okay to give myself a treat no matter what it is! i'm responding to hunger and fullness signals and feeding myself well.

also just realized i'm super thirsty! water-bottle refilled! i can hear music and grackle solicitations - one of my favorite sounds.

i'm feeling like i want some connection, but also like i want a break. i'd like time to paint my nails, do yoga and watch a dress your truth video tonight - 12 step or no? i'm waffling right now.

i was angry and frustrated today and realized it was the book i was reading - along with feeling some shame around my fear of bugs and being perceived as annoying. those things started my day off pretty crappy. but luckily it improved. a great run outside in the hot sunshine and a little bit of time with taylor and i'm feeling much more my (pleasant) self this afternoon.

Summer Break

i need the warmth of a thousand summers on my face today. an aching deep in my body for the freedom of running through the blossoming backyard, chasing birds, picking apricots. sun-dried hair and sun-burnt shoulders. bare feet and freckles on my face. i'm in need of a fly away and see you next season kind of vacation. the kind that takes me to places with warm colors, rich mountains, beautiful trees, and an all-penetrating heat. i want the high-school-summer-job carefree of sure! let's blow $200 on clothes today! and the afterwork thrill of homemade cookies and chess games. i long for the kind of adventure that makes my blood tingle and my head swim. that jump-off-a-50-foot-cliff feeling as the water below gets closer and closer and... i want the lazy days of cats in the carpet sun-patches and time to write in the morning on the sofa with a large glass of lemon water. my feet are restless to pound the red dirt as the sun crests the hilltops. long grass and cold strawberries and grapes, all laying on our backs staring at the wind-blown cloud castles. shorts and flip-flops and swimsuits and lazy popsicle drips. waking to sunshine in the morning, sunshine in the evening at bedtime. sunshine in my toes, my eyelids, my fingertips. my soul yearns for summer break.

Today's Victories

today i gave myself some chocolate chips and peanut butter. it wasn't unusual. but, see, yesterday i declared today "clean eating week." which basically means i've been eating a lot of sugar and sweets, not very many fruits and vegetables and i haven't been getting outside and getting the exercise that makes me feel top notch. i've felt sluggish and less than great. so, today was the beginning of clean eating week. i was also aware that i needed to not slip into restriction. clean eating week did NOT mean that i was going to restrict myself and cut out sweets or sugar completely. it wasn't going to mean that i felt deprived. that was the trick.... i wanted some chocolate chips, but i couldn't - i was supposed to be eating well this week. i struggled with the thought for while, maybe an hour or so. and then, realization dawned. i was trying to give my body what it needs, what is respectfully good for it without going over the top and withholding everything it loves. so i took out the chocolate chips, got a spoonful of peanut butter and enjoyed. it was delicious. and afterward, i felt satisfied. i also had some orange, carrot, beets and potatoes today. and i ran 2.5 miles in the sunshine. treating my body well in lots of different ways. after the last two weeks, today was a big victory that way.

today, i did two loads of laundry. but wait - i didn't just do two loads of laundry, i did two loads of laundry AND folded them all. and put them away. really, need i say more to explain why that's a victory? i have to add though, the washer and dryers ate an extra $1.75 and instead of kicking them (the usual response), i simply thought, it's a good thing i'm rich! all about perspective, people. really.

today, i had a balance of wakefulness and rest. i kept going. i started cleaning the kitchen this morning. i didn't finish until tonight, but i did accomplish much of what i set out to. today i changed the tablecloth and put on a table runner to beautify our home just a tab bit. straightened the bed, folded the sofa blankets. and i gave myself a nice long nap. the time was unintentional, but i gave my body some compassion for the hard work it's been doing lately. success, indeed.

tonight, i made some small conversation with a stranger - a simple thing that made a big difference in my day.

today i changed my perspective probably 325 times. the victory then is not that i didn't slip, but that i got back on track without giving up and letting myself stew in rumination and bad mood.

and i wrote twice - that's more than in weeks.

victorious day. here and there, a little bit all the time.

Forgive.

forgive yourself the mornings you eat much too much for breakfast and it ruins your day. forgive yourself the silent treatment you gave your husband just because he pointed out one of your faults. the last day off when you didn't get a single thing done because you couldn't stop reading - forgive yourself for that, even though it means there's twice as much to do today. the anger that stirs in your stomach for all the times no one responded, let yourself feel it, let it be there, let it devour you for a moment. then take a deep breath and forgive yourself for your unkind thoughts, then another breath and let everyone else be unresponsive. God's not. the times when you don't want anyone to see what you write, when you just want to curl up and hide in your corner of the bed and not be found for days and days and days, forgive yourself that isolation. for the piled up dishes and messy desk. for the unmade bed that is a bad, bad day and for the bad day that turns into a two-week funk, forgive yourself those things and let the funk be just that. for the days you take care of everyone but yourself and the people who let you, forgive yourself those days, those tendencies and those relationships. for too much sugar and not enough sunshine. for checking pinterest and facebook ten times in an hour. for scowls and angry words and off-days.

forgive yourself.

33 today