repentance from a negative nancy.

this week has been blah. see previous post and note my sour mood stringing the day together. last night, i vowed that today i'd start over a little bit, that i wouldn't wait until next week to get over myself. and then this morning happened. you know, that thing that happens sometimes in the morning? yeah, it happened this morning: i woke up.

i recommitted myself at work when i realized half the people i was occupying the same space with seemed happier than i was - and each one of them had a big excuse to not be. they just weren't using it.

so... i stumbled upon this.

(watch it. please. it might just change your life. or even just your day.)

powerful.

powerful.

really, those last few minutes blew me away. reverse the formula, be positive in the present and gain the happiness advantage.

i had to watch it three times to pick up the specifics because he talks so darn fast! but there at the end when he starts spewing off those things that are scientifically backed to reverse the formula? this is what does it.

1. 3 new gratefuls every day. writing down three new things you're grateful for every day for 21 days retrains your brain to scan the world for the positive instead of the negative - which is how most people are conditioned. thinking a little about "one slice" research (the brief scanning or first impressions our brains get and how they affect us and the way we treat others), the fact that this one little practice can change our "scanning" so much is incredible.

2. journaling about a positive experience you've had within the last 24 hours allows your brain to re-live it. which basically means adding one positive experience to your day. who's brain doesn't want that? (especially with what that positivity can do for your brain's learning centers...)

3. exercise teaches your brain that your behavior matters. i knew i loved exercise. i knew it.

4. meditation lets your brain heal from the cultural ADHD we've created by constantly mutli-tasking. funny, i was watching this while eating my lunch, taking notes, texting and listening to music. no wonder i had to watch it three times.... anyway, the practice of meditation allows your brain time to focus. something we all need to relearn in this world.

5. last, random or conscious acts of kindness also help retrain your brain for positivity. he described sending a positive, praising, or thanking email to someone in your social support network upon opening your email inbox. i love that idea. so much. i currently have 10 emails that are marked as unread so i remember to reply with these types of messages. so often, they are the ones that get put off the longest. if i did one a day upon opening my email, think of the positivity that would spread!

not that productivity is everything, but the statistic he throws out at the end is profound: your brain is 31% more productive while happy than while negative, neutral, or stressed. happier is more productive than neutral.

these practices seem pretty life changing to me. especially if really applied to all areas of work in my life.

(also, on a side note, the word neutral is odd. i took me about seven times to figure out the correct spelling.)

so. he says happier is more productive. more efficient.

what do i say?

one, two, three, GO.

i think i just found an experiment worth writing about.

5 excerpts from one of THOSE days.

my pajama pants are stained with chocolate. again. i don't think i've ever had an endangered species bar without getting little melting flakes all over what i'm wearing. consequently, a lot of my clothes have small (barely noticeable.. i think) brown chocolate stains.

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i got home from work today ready for lunch. i couldn't really catch a break at work because the last couple hours were busy. consequently a late lunch and a starving me. not starving - i ate two nutballs on the way home. once home, in pajamas and jewelry off, i sat and stared at the fridge for a full ten minutes before deciding nothing sounded good and i had too little energy to do anything with the (seemingly) random assortment of refrigerated items (i planned a menu before shopping...really). okay, move to the cupboards. crackers? nope. chips. chips.... and cheese. nachos was the only thing that sounded edible this afternoon. hopefully my nutritious appetite will be back for dinner (in addition to my motivation to cook...).

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this morning at work, after seeing the results of her test a woman burst into tears. burst. literally. luckily, they were happy tears and she wasn't in need of consolation. that's a tremendously good thing because the crying caught me off guard this time and i think all i said was something like oh... congratulations! you can... have a seat in the lobby for a minute if you need to. and that's about as empathetic as i get today.

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a truck twice the size of my apartment was tailing me really close on the way home from work. it was the long on-ramp and there was a car in front of me. i couldn't speed up and it literally looked like he was trying to shish kabob me with the spikes on the front end of his obviously-trying-to-prove-something vehicle. i tapped my breaks a couple times. and he got closer. and i got angry. right before another lane opened up he switched lanes and gunned it, passing me in the wrong lane. the only problem? the car in front of me had switched lanes, too. he didn't seem to mind that there wasn't enough room for a mini cooper to pass me coming from the wrong way, like he was. if i hadn't of slammed on my brakes i'd be roadkill. a victim of his effort to prove something to society with a truck big enough for two families to live in. don't worry. i laid on my horn for a full 30 seconds until he was too far away to hear.

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reviewing today's to-do list: dishes, clean the bathroom, make dinner and lunches and dinner to-go for tomorrow, the gym for an hour.... the thing that's not on the list is a nap. and that's exactly what is going to happen. one more square of my rhino bar smothered with natural peanut butter and i'm hitting the sack. maybe tonight i'll clear this slate and write my gratitude post i'd planned for today. but first i need to go wake up on the other side of the bed.

the IN club

the temperature has finally started dropping in abilene. a couple weeks ago, i saw for the first time a ten-day forecast of temperatures all lower than 95 degrees.  today, it looked cooler outside, mostly overcast.  so in the afternoon i pulled on my running shorts and a t-shirt and headed out for a two-mile loop around campus. thirty seconds outside my car and i was back inside, shivering. no two-mile loop. a trip to the gym instead. my car's thermometer (which is always off) said it was 57 degrees.  it may be chronically off, but 57 is a definite a change from the typical 107 it reads on most afternoons.

finally, finally it's starting to feel like fall.

tonight, on a quick trip to the grocery store, i wore a jacket, a scarf and a beanie.  i remembered how completely i love weather that lets me wear five layers and thirteen colors at once.  you can't do that in shorts and t-shirt weather. it's just not possible.

tonight, i cooked butternut squash and this morning we ate the last of the pumpkin muffins.  i've cooked three different kinds of squash in the last three weeks.  fall food. warm, comfy and steaming.

i feel like i've finally been accepted to the in club. you know, that club of people who live in places of this world where the leaves are turning colors and stuff. for weeks, i've suffered facebook cover pictures of people playing in leaves, blog posts boasting of being able to wear scarves again. recipes for soups soups soups and pumpkin everything. and for weeks all i had was 107 degree weather with no possibility of soup that hadn't been thoroughly chilled.

but now.
now, i'm finally
in.

now come on, abilene. let's keep this up.

love list:: the last two weeks

cold house + warm bed.  unintentional afternoon naps.  one perfect batch of chocolate peppermint cupcakes.  eating dinner cross-legged on the couch with pillows and blankets.  the little women soundtrack.  unexpected storm clouds, dark ones.  creative non-fiction.  chili-cheese fries.  water.water.water.  brown leather anything.  ten days under 95 degrees.  plum eyeliner.  classic crime, phoenix.  someone else's unsecured wifi.  charts for exercise.  charts for dailies.  dishes ignored, finished or not.  small notes on my lunchbox.  small pictures on my nightstand.  the tie-rack serving as jewelry-rack finally on the wall.  the miracle of the pineapple lamp still in one piece (here & here).  a week of not-too-early mornings.  the tipping point of a pumpkin splurge.  craving vegetables, not chocolate.  blue jays & scissor-tailed fly catchers.  fresh cilantro.  rowing.  wintercrest.  running in the rain (seattle throw-back).  lego storm troopers framed.  the turquoise pen.  big bracelets.  overnight oats with peanutbutter and cocoa.  finally acting on the urge to write.

autumn, almost?

at the beginning of my run this morning, it felt like texas might actually have seasons. it was colder, a little. sadly, a half hour later (after the sun came up) i realized it was just a trick.  it seems like the world is on the tipping point of autumn everywhere... but here. i'm eating pumpkin already, and soup. and stalking facebook pictures of fall leaves. and really really hoping for a change of seasons. i'm ready for it.


grateful...

i'm grateful for the fall party. summer seamed eternal until i smelled autumn soup and pumpkin biscuits baking. now, it's fall in blood even if it's still over 100 degrees outside. a good celebration was exactly what i needed this weekend. it reminded me of all the excitement to come. the fall party is the opening of my favorite part of the year.

i'm grateful for a three day weekend. sometimes, that's what it takes to get my mind off work and onto more important things. staying up late watching psych, spending as long as i wanted at the gym, organizing my house a little more.... i feel life back in my bones. i think i'm ready for another week!

i'm so thankful for skype. really, without it i would never be able to participate in this global community. being thousands of miles (ish) away from family just wouldn't be bearable without it. despite it's hiccups, freezes, echoing, and dropped calls, it really is a blessing.

i'm grateful for a knows-everything mother. it doesn't matter if it's a canker sore or ear problems, she has a solution that (almost always) works. and usually doesn't cost very much. she's just about the greatest resource there is. not to mention friend... :)

i'm grateful for the sun that rises while i'm running, and for an entire container of orange honey butter. i'm grateful for wonderful books and the good company they are. i'm grateful for a job that gets us by and for the olive garden in abilene (really, it's one of the most familiar things here). i'm grateful for birds with long, long tails and birds with funny voices. and for clean, cold water after a good workout.


ps. i just checked the weather again. not a single day over 95 degrees in the ten-day forecast! now, now, i'm really celebrating. the heat has an end after all!

create something.

“All I know is if you don’t figure out this something, you’ll just stay ordinary. And it doesn't matter if it's a work of art, or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something… new, and there it is, and it's you, out in the world, out side of you and you can look at it, or hear it, or read it, or feel it… and you know a little more about… you! A little bit more than anyone else does… Does that make any sense at all?”
--P.S. I Love You.

windmills

Yesterday, i drove to pick up Taylor from the top of the hill on campus - as i usually do. It had just stormed, a good long one that woke me up several times in the middle of the night and continued to periodically dump down its bucketfuls throughout my work day. The sky was starting to clear in that magnificent way it does, patches of bright blue visible behind the billowy clouds. Looking down from the hill for the first time, I noticed them. The light was just right, highlighting the very horizon and the army of windmills that turned steadily on its edge. They glinted as if only a mirage, a miracle vision brought by the storm and soon to be gone with the sunset.

I'd been wanting a good storm for a while. The longing had buried itself somewhere deep in my bones (which was disconcerting considering I longed for a very specific type of Abilene storm - that being in my bones worries me slightly).

While I sat there on the top of the hill waiting, watching the gleaming power-generating landscape, I came to a conclusion: this storm was the answer to a craving, a deep-seated plea from my soul sent up the to universe, please... please, let it storm!

I've formed a habit of trying to meet my own needs and first recognizing these cravings for sleep, carbs, a phone call, some fruit or chocolate. I'm learning to recognize them, then satisfy them. I'm not perfect , nor do I intend to be, but I am improving. Slowly, I'm understanding that the more I give my body (and mind... and heart...) what it asks for, the more subtly it asks, the less it demands. And herein lies the solution for binging, over-doing the sweet and running on empty (for me, I believe).

That's my part - that's what taking care of myself means. That's the charge of my stewardship.

And the rest, well, just like that storm, I'll leave that to my Higher Power and trust that no bone-deep longing gets left unattended for long.

books, books, and more books!

my whole life i've been a one-book woman. i've never been able to handle reading more than one at once. but once i graduated, things changed in that area of my life. at this moment, i'm reading five (i think) different books. plus listening to chapters of an audio book as their released one at a time by the artist. to me, this is proof that my brain misses being in school. for my entire life (well, since i was, what, 12 years old?) i've been trained to think in subject blocks. now those physical time blocks are gone, it's transitioned very smoothly into the reading of multiple books at once.  good, bad? i'm not sure.  any other time i've tried for more than one book at once, i end up getting overwhelmed and not finishing any of them at all. usually what follows is a several-month-long absence of reading anything of my own choosing (which right now is... well, everything!). but this time i'm slowly chugging away at all of the books at different speeds.  but all of them are getting read - none of them feel neglected at all. which is different.

sadly, this way it takes a tremendous amount of time to finish one book. but we'll see how it goes. right now i'm reading more because there's always a book to fit my mood. always.

as a side note, at work today i'm realizing the therapeutic benefits of ripping scratch paper into bits. who would have thought?

foreigner in the lone star state

you're not from here, are you?

again, today i was asked that question. it comes up so much, i almost want to carry a sign with me that says no, i'm not texan. today, she thought i was from wisconsin.  when i told her it was utah, she replied well, i knew it was somewhere north!

texans have a funny habit of pointing out people who are clearly not native. and to a texan, a non-native is anyone without their drawl or slang. it surprised me today because i really couldn't tell a difference between the way i was speaking and the way she was.  but she was texan. and thus to her, the difference was absolutely obvious.

i'd like to come home with a pair of boots, but i can do without the accent.  people here say it takes about two years to pick it up, but when i was working at red mango, i said y'all.  i'll admit it. i was around so many old farmers coming in for coffee that it just rubbed off.  luckily, that's been gone again for some months. secretly, i have a fear of leaving this place in a year and saying y'all and other such texanities (like profanities... get it??) for the rest of my life. like an incurable disease that's not quite terminal. but if i'm being a good student of anxiety-reduction techniques i realize that i could just go to speech therapy the rest of my life and that might help me change or accept the texan that seeped into my blood.

hypothetical. i reeked north to these people, it seems.

the point is. it's funny that they recognize it so quickly.  all it takes is a few sentences and they instantly know i'm a foreigner and have been in these parts less than two years. like a sixth-sense natural to texas blood.


i was also informed today that after moving to texas, there is a 30 day period in which you must register your car in the state and a 90 day period wherein you are required to obtain a texas driver's licence. and surrender your old one.  that's right.  they take your old driver's licence.  seeing as i've been here more than 6 months now and i haven't done either of these things, i probably ought to.  but.... i just happen to really really  like my current driver's licence. the picture is great (which is big, considering how often i say that about a picture of myself). not only that, it doesn't expire for years and years! and it's from utah. which makes it better than one i'd get here by far. also, if i get a new driver's licence now i'll pay a fee, then when i change my name i'll probably have to pay another fee for a new one. not to mention the cost of registering my car here...which may or may not mean i'll have to switch insurance providers.  all for one more year? really?

a very large and significant part of me wants to ignore those requirements altogether.  the only problem then is the panic attack i might have every single time a policeman pulls out behind me.

eek.

maybe i could get away with it? ....maybe?

remembering january

getting ready to drive through zion to grab a bite to eat. january 2012.

the texas heat has me wishing it was winter and i was back in zion.  gah, what i wouldn't give for a little snow right now! autumn better be around the corner or i might shrivel up down here.