tossing the closet

today i began the arduous task of cleaning out my closet (...a sub-project of cleaning out my whole apartment - which started last week).  and okay, it's not really that arduous; it's actually kind of fun.  at any given time i probably only ever wear 75% of what's in my closet and dresser.  lately that statistic is more like 15%.  if that.  i'm always grabbing for what's most comfortable and functional, and that ends up always being the same 10 items.  also, while watching videos from dress your truth (really, i'm pretty much obsessed) i heard that the average american woman has $6000 in her wardrobe (clothes, shoes, bags, accessories).  while i think i'm actually way way way below that number, there are definitely things in my closet worth a pretty penny that i haven't worn in months and months - or that i've only worn for a total of four hours.

seeing as the job search continues, i figured i might as well cash in the clothes i don't want anyway for some extra change... or extra money with which to pay our internet bill or something.  currently, there is a stack that takes up half our bed (and is at least two feet high) of clothes that i'm probably going to get rid of.  there's another stack on a chair about a foot high (stacked single-file) that i'm definitely going to sell, toss or give away.

now is the time when i really wish i were one of those famous bloggers with 15000 followers who cleans out their wardrobe by creating a subsection of their blog with images of clothes and prices.  i've known more than one woman who bought an article of clothing that way just because so-and-so owned it.  because it hung in her closet next to the one she wears in her profile picture.

yeah, it'd be pretty awesome to auction my clothes off and have obsessed women out-bidding each other for the skirt i wore in my profile picture two years ago.

BUT because that's not the case, i think ebay is going to become my new best friend.  and if that doesn't work, then i'll take the stacks to a consignment shop in lubbock... or something.

any online selling suggestions will be greatly welcomed.  i'm new at this.

in other news, i'm reading animal, vegetable, miracle (which has been on my list for ages) and absolutely eating it up (pun intended).  i already wanted to grow a garden.  now i think i'm going to go buy pots and start one on my balcony.  ....once the money starts flowing again.

speaking of vegetables, dinner tonight was delicious: lightly sauteed red onion, carrot, summer squash and kale; one hard-boiled egg; and a juicy plum for dessert.

yum.

it doesn't get any better than that, folks.

texas lessons

it's storming again tonight in texas.  these storms started a pattern forming in our apartment the last month or two.  typically one of us will see the stormcloud.  one dark massive wave across the otherwise empty blue big sky - exactly how you see a storm cloud in movies if they're created by magic or something else evil and unnatural.  about an hour later, both our phones will start ringing at the same time: the storm warning.  you'd think (because of the urgent tone of the recorded man) this automated message would bring some anxious preparations so our apartment didn't blow over in the damaging winds, get struck by dangerous lightning, or be pelted into an unrecognizable ball of debris by the extremely large hale.  but that's not the case.

the phone call is the signal to get a few snacks, open the blinds all the way, turn off the lights and get ready for the show.

texas storms are one of the few incredible things about this place.

they're fierce.
wild.

dangerous.

without fail after it's subsided (and sometimes still in the middle) the sirens sound.  the roads get crazy and there's always a few unlucky drivers that can't get inside quick enough.  but, without fail, they do pass.  the storms are actually very short-lived.  the longest this far into the season is still the very first - nearly four hours of pouring rain and window-rattling thunder.  but typically they're much shorter.  an hour, sometimes almost two.  then they pass, the clouds dissipate and everything is blue and clear again.

---

for the last several months, i've started a new routine at the gym.  heck, in the last few months i've started going to the gym for the first time in my life!  running's old news sometimes and i wanted to try my hand (or back..and legs, really) at weight-lifting.  so i've started dabbling.  typically i'll run (okay, okay.. and walk more) for a half hour, then sit on weird machines (or lift up big heavy objects that were only created so i could lift them then put them back down) for another fifteen or so.

sometimes i want to stop so so much.  the gym's unnatural to me.  i like to run outside in the clear where there's no one else in the entire wold - just me and the mountains and the sky.  but it's not safe to run in abilene and so i'm learning to be thankful for gyms.  (yes, even if texas food is twice the portions it ought to be and the healthy food movement has yet to hit the big country they do have a few gyms in this town - a few.)  but anyway.  working out, both running and weight lifting, are... well, i love it.  afterward.  okay, sometimes i love what i'm doing during, but not all the time - definitely not a lot.  the point is i love that while i'm doing it i burn.  i get totally and completely out of breath.  i think my legs aren't going to carry me.  i shake.  but then i walk out of the gym, take some deep breaths in the car, have a long drink of water... and everything goes back to normal.

---

the big point is all things pass.

texas storms are furious and frightening at times.  but they pass.
going to the gym makes me feel like i'm going to die, and sometimes i do for an hour afterward.  but then it passes and i go back to normal.  okay, better than normal (let's be honest, who doesn't love those endorphins?)

everything passes.
the rain.
the burning in my lower-half.
texas.
a tiny apartment.
and having no money.

all things pass.  that's what texas is teaching me these days - a funny thing for a town that looks like it's been here since the beginning of time to teach me that all things will pass eventually.  but they will.  and at the end of the next year and a half texas will reinforce that lesson by letting me leave and go back to places that believe in health food.  and city drainage systems.  and mountains.

yeah.  texas, too, will pass.


(for me, at least.  to all those who came here expecting it to be only a few months or years and are still here after 30 years, my heart goes out to you.  it weeps for you.  but, in all honesty, i will never be one of you.)

faubus lake

while i'm not really in love with abilene {and neither is taylor} it's taken a little while to start finding things that  really grab me about this place.  the first thing i really started to love was faubus fountain lake on acu campus.  it's not a lake at all - just a little pond.  kind of a glorified version of byu's duck pond.  at first (when it was cold), i'd just run around the track and see the lake for a good ten minutes of my run.  once it started getting warmer, i'd walk down the stone steps to sit by the water and read while i waited for taylor to stop therapatizing people so he could come play with me.  now, it's become our picnic spot.  we pack up our sandwiches and our mutual book sometimes and head over to watch the birds and fish while we eat and take turns reading to each other.  it's hot lately, but the sun is darn good for my legs!

this is our friend, the great blue heron.  he's a lonely bird that doesn't let any of the others (or us...) get close. i'm glad he's sticking around for the summer - he's about the only majestic part of abilene there is. {okay, okay, except for the lightning and thunder.  which is amazing, by the way.}

aaaand these are my toes loving the sun.  you can't see them in the pictures, but there are MASSIVE coyfish  in the pond.  bright florescent orange, red and glowing white.  and then there's one that's probably 3.5 feet long - really.  there's also a little angel fish that hangs out by the rocks.  she's pretty cute.

and here (at long last) is the grackle.  these birds are everywhere in abilene.  this is guy came over for a sip of water and was angry because the water level was too high for him to climb down.  they make an awesome sound with their heads tipped all the way back.  pretty cool birds.  sadly, everyone here hates them... well, except us i guess.  :-)

it was taylor's turn to read, so i sneaked a picture while he was at an exciting part.  we've just finished the fablehaven series and neither of us is finished grieving yet.  one of the best fantasies ever written, in my opinion.  just plain amazing.

even if most of the city is pretty sad, i'm glad there are a few little spots that satisfy my need for nature.  here's to hoping i find more!

linking

via.

this is a powerful blog about love, and the best beauty secret in the world.

something i've been thinking about lately again, from a woman who's changed the way i see the world.

finally finished with this beautiful, inspiring book.  i loved every sentence of every page.

i love love love it when someone people listen to stand up for a proper perspective.

and last but not least, here's something i've started working on again.  anyone wanna join me?

now vs. then

every now and again i'm compelled to go back through my stacks and read my writing from past years.  today, sitting on a bed in an apartment that's mostly vacant (and soon an apartment for which i won't have to pay rent) i found myself doing just that - leafing back through my old blog.  today, i was reading through a specific time period.

one year ago (plus a month) i was getting ready to leave for seattle.  my husband (then boyfriend) was leaving for japan for the summer and at the time i wasn't sure if our relationship would continue past that point.  and i didn't know how i felt about that uncertainty, either.  i remember the feeling - mostly because i wrote about it well.  it seemed as though life was based on leaving and i longed for some sort of permanence.

i wrote about getting back on track with my health habits, not wanting to part with dearly-loved roommates, leaving my scale behind, and my thoughts on my eating disorder recovery.

in a discussion with my husband earlier today i said something along the lines of it just feels like i was still really naive right before i went to seattle.  it changed something in me and i've grown so much.


and then on the bed reading my blog post from a year ago about moderation, self-forgiveness, confidence and self-love, i was taking notes (and taking to heart) what this girl was saying.  sometimes we were better at some things than we are now, and it's funny when we don't remember.

that doesn't make much sense.  what i'm trying to say (i think) is i realized that a year ago i had a pretty good (and healthy, really genuinely healthy) grip on parts of life that i struggle with from day to day the last while.  and it surprised me when i started telling myself i should take the advice of the younger-me.

basically, where we are now is a product of where we've been (right?).  but that doesn't mean that we're better in all areas.  and it doesn't mean that we're worse in all areas, either.  it just means different.  and sometimes we have to relearn lessons over and over and over and over before they really stick, really get deep down in our heads and our hearts.

so i looked back.  and realized that i'm relearning a lot of lessons that i really used to have a good, fairly firm grip on.

deep breath.

i'm not who i was.  i'm who i am.


and it's okay to not be as on top of things as i was a year ago.  and not just because of the space between.  sure, the space of 13 months counts for something, but when there's no space between (take last week) and one minute i'm fine and dandy and looking at how far i've come and the next i'm wallowing in distress because i'll never be good enough, it's okay.  it's okay that there isn't space between.

that was quite a ramble.

the whole take-home here is just that i'm okay the way i am at this very instant.  disregarding where i was yesterday or a year ago, i'm okay right now - wherever and however i am.

and so are you, yaknow?

the city that cries at least once a day

i think about seattle quite a bit, lately.  about how i've come to really love the concept of seattle in my mind despite how difficult it was to be there a year ago.  i hated seattle while i was there.  at least, i thought it was seattle i hated.  after the passage of time has dulled the experience slightly, i've been able to separate the experience (which was something close to hell) from the city, which i distinctly remember falling in love with (at some moments).  i miss it, i'll be honest.

what really keeps my attention though, when i think of the whole three-and-a-half months that was my adventure on the west coast is how impossible it was to write.  sure, i tried.  for the first few weeks, i woke up early and wrote while i was eating breakfast.  and then i started work, and then i started feeling less and smaller and not enough.  and then i stopped eating breakfast and stopped running and didn't wash my hair for days and days and days at a time.  after which i stopped writing altogether.

several times i've heard eating disorders described in a nutshell as simply not-wanting-to-feel.  yeah, there are a multitude of other things that go along with it, but if i had to boil it down to one thing, at this point in my life i would say the same thing.  the desperate suppressing of emotion, to the point that everything becomes distorted and simple tasks like getting out of bed and dressing yourself are. so. impossibly. difficult.

during the past five years, my struggle with food has dragged me underwater several times.  sometimes it's been a fight to keep my head above, and every so often i've had a short period where i simply floated.  in seattle i was drowning with my hands tied.

and that's why i stopped writing.  once in the cycle of negative emotion, numbing and food abuse, it makes complete sense to do all you can to stop feeling the negative emotions in hopes that you'll be able to feel happy and function normally again.  so i stopped writing because in order to write i had to open myself up.  i had to be vulnerable and ask myself what i was thinking about and what i was feeling.  and i couldn't do that without risking the start of the cycle all over again.


so i stopped.

it's still a wonder to me that from a place so void of self-compassion i exited my stay in seattle with something akin to determination.  toward the end, there was healing.  or the seeds of it.

but it's taken me longer to be able to write again.  at first, the idea of writing at all was daunting.  i didn't want to be that vulnerable ever, ever again.  old habits die hard, i guess.  i've always loved to write and after forming a three-year habit of writing several times a week, a summer-long hiatus didn't break it.  i started writing about every day things, common things, at first.  in places no one would ever see.

but i'm getting braver.

and if there's anything i've learned from my experience in seattle and the relationships that spanned over and through the dark time, it's that you can't bury those emotions forever.  they'll always find a way out.

so i'm going to start writing more about my adventure on the west coast.  because it's been on my mind.  and because i'm working on feeling again.  and because a lot of things happened in seattle that most people don't talk about. and because we'd all be a lot better off it we did talk about those things.

so here goes.

the elderly of abilene

tonight was grocery shopping night.  actually, that should have been last night, but other things came up and grocery shopping was put off until tomorrow - which is fairly typical.  the list was long, my husband and i were both tired, it was late and we were hungry.

once we got to the check-out stand and started putting groceries on the conveyor belt, i remembered we needed bananas.  so i took off to grab some.  while i was gone, taylor finished putting our groceries on the belt and began swiping his card and punching in the numbers.  as i walked back up to the stand, the older woman behind us finished placing her groceries behind ours.  it wasn't much: a couple bags of chips, a few bottled drinks.  she had a plastic separator between our items.  but as i walked up behind her to place the bananas in our section, she reached out quickly {sooo discretely} and took the can of olives from our section and placed them in her own.  just one can of olives.  with her groceries there was no way she could have thought it was hers - she had deliberately taken the can of olives from us to pay for them and take them home herself.

confused, as i set down the bananas i looked at the can of olives and then up into her face.  she looked away quickly.  i had seen her take them - she had seen me watch her take them.  i was only standing a foot away from her {and right in front of her} when she had.

my first impulse was to reach in front of her, take the can of olives and give it to the cashier to place safely in a bag and into our cart.  but i froze.  i couldn't do that - what if she started a scene, accused me of stealing her food?  i wanted to say something.  ma'am, those are my olives.  that's all it would have taken, probably.  but who knows?  i froze.  my husband paid, and spun our cart away and out into the parking lot.

she took my can of olives and with it my hope for american society {for the day}.  have we really fallen so far and become so used to instant gratification that we would steal from a stranger on that kind of an impulse?

she didn't break any laws - she paid for the darn can of olives.  all she did was greatly inconvenience the people in front of her to satisfy her instantaneous craving for olives.  she could have waited until her next shopping trip.  she could have asked the cashier to wait while she quickly grabbed another can from the isle we were standing right next to.  heck, she could have told me she was tired and asked if i would grab her a can of olives while she paid.  i would have.  happily.

but steal my can of olives?  really?

while working at red mango {which thankfully is completely over-with} i heard many an ancient person come for a cup of coffee and complain about my generation's sense of entitlement.  after today, i have no sympathy for them at all.  they may have lived in a better world once upon a time.  but today, 70 year old women feel entitled to steal from the grocery carts of twenty-something-year-olds.  if that's not an entitlement complex, i don't know what is.

thanks to you, old woman, my pasta salad will be entirely without olives this week.

fat talk

i was re-reading a few of my favorite posts from the brunette bombshell on body image, eating disorder recovery and food, when i came across this video.  sure, it's a few years old.  but it gave me goosebumps.  it has me thinking of how many times i let the way i look {or my perception of my appearance} dictate my actions.  this week i'll be more aware of what i say and think.  i don't want to be one of the many perpetuating a culture in which losing weight is the ultimate goal.

bb&b and some captain america

every once in a while, my husband will call from the front room something like "you have to come look at this!"  this captain america comic is one of my favorites of his finds yet.  someday i'm going to either buy or make a really massive reproduction and hang it on the wall in my living room.  really.  i love it that much.

also, i probably love it that much because we watched captain america this last weekend.  fantastic movie, really.  it's fun, smart, and the characters are just flat out good.  and that's my favorite thing about it: characters that make you think yeah, i wanna be more like that.

as part of the same date {sub shopping and a movie for dinner and a movie}, we went to bed, bath, and beyond to blow the $50 gift card we've had since our wedding.  it was one of the funniest shopping trips i've ever been on.  it took us well over an hour and a half to figure out how to spend 50 dollars.  typically, i'd have that money spent in a flash.  we even had a list!  but we wandered around the shopping loop about six times before buying more kitchen supplies.  as if our kitchen wasn't stuffed enough.

we ended up with a garlic press, a new can opener {which will restore taylor's sanity}, a beautiful glass pie pan, a big-enough bamboo cutting board, ice trays, and a misto.  yes, i've wanted a misto for several years now.  ever since ari moved into the fleur-de-lis apartment and brought with her the coolest little olive oil sprayer to replace our pam.  the misto is one of the coolest things ever.  i think.  and now i have one.  it was a last minute grab as the store was closing, and it put us $5 over, buuut since i've already used it about twelve times, i think it was probably worth it.

the things we wanted but didn't find have been on my mind, though: a littler box, food and water dishes for a little creature, and a food processor {that one might be a few years...}.  but the cat stuff... well, that's in the making.  after we both get jobs.  oh money.  sometimes i love the left-over wedding gift cards just because they let us buy things that aren't exactly necessities, but are pretty darn desirable.  like a misto.

and yeah, the cat's a necessity, but it'll just have to be pending for few months more until we pay tuition and can find money for food afterward.  then we'll go look at cats.  until then, i'm avoiding them for fear of not being able to resist.  you know..

the LOVE game: stormy weather.

1. i love eating breakfast in bed.

2. i love that sparrows and blue jays live in abilene.

3. i love thunder and lightning in texas.

4. i love salads for lunch in the summertime.

5. i love having a declared pajama day {to get me feeling better, you know...}

6. i love when shaving seems to last a day longer before prickles appear.

7. i love dark chocolate with almonds and sea salt... and that my husband was kind enough to indulge the craving today.

8. i love listening to something new while on the treadmill - made the time go back so much faster today.

9. i love rainy days when it fits my mood - when it's much much more than a drizzle.

10. i love feeling like i've finally made a decision.  finally reached my endpoint where something new has to start.  and has to start soon.  still looking for a different job - a new one better be on the very near horizon...