awake, my soul.

today, i've been pondering on the things that set my soul free.  i mean, really make me come unmistakably alive.

i remember posts from the last several years full of love for running and immediately want to reclaim that rush.  i haven't been running much lately, although i've been to the gym consecutively the last couple days.  lately, i love to walk.  long walks with my husband around the perimeter of campus after his classes have finished.  brisk morning walks up hills.  i hope to start running again soon, but only if i can reclaim that love.  if not, i might be in search of something to replace that aliveness that running used to give me as i flew up and down hills, feeling free.

lately, i've been thinking about art.  specifically, i've been thinking about the years when i spent five to six hours a day in the art studio of my university trying to get the color just right or the shading with just a little more contrast.  i've been missing that, lately, remembering just how alive i felt when i'd paint and draw.  i'd love to get back into it - break out my art again.  but if it doesn't awaken that same passion, maybe i'll test my hand at sculpture.  after all, i've always wanted to sculpt.

i can recall a time when every batch of cupcakes made me jump for joy.  opening the oven to wonderfully rounded cake tops made my heart flutter.  and now, a batch of cupcakes just doesn't thrill me the way it used to.  true, part of that might be my screwed-up oven.  but if it's not, i'm sure having a dandy time making my green smoothies taste like heaven and learning to cook meat.  that's an adventure that makes my heart pound for certain.  

last week, as i waited for my husband inside the bible building on campus, a crowd of teenagers came and sat in the seats around me.  they were full of life - talking, laughing, praying out loud.  they lived outward.  there was true enjoyment in their rambunctiousness.  and it was obvious they felt alive.  i was taken back years and years, to the times i've felt most alive.  i remember myself as a teenager: so many things i'm glad to have gotten over, to have gotten rid of.  and then i felt a sort of missness.  i miss that energy, that life.  the feeling that my soul {every unfelt speck of it} is absolutely alive.

the point is i've stopped doing so many things that used to bring such enjoyment into my life.  like drawing, baking cupcakes, running three miles straight up a hill to show myself how freaking strong i was.  true, those things might not bring the same enjoyment and passion into my life now.  maybe those loves have faded.  but if they have, it's time to find more.  because if working {nearly} full-time has taught me anything in the last several weeks, it's that i need things in my life that remind me that life is to be enjoyed.  to be loved.

it might take some experimenting to find the things that do it for me just right now - in this different body, at this different stage.  but i'm on a mission to find them, and darn it, i'm going to hold that feeling of life close to me until it comes back full force.

because i believe it: life is meant to be lived.  meant to be felt.  and meant to be loved.

staring at the ceiling

lately, i don't sleep well at night.  i turn and roll and toss and it's just a good thing my husband is a pretty deep sleeper.  i can never get my pillow just right.  it always feels off in one way or another: sometimes too high, sometimes not quite high enough, sometimes tilted at an angle that explains away every ache in my neck the next morning.

i've been waking up lying on my back, lately.  something i've never done before, despite back-sleeping being the healthiest and most beneficial way to sleep.  i've just never been able to do it.  there was a period of time {three or four months, maybe} when i forced myself to lie on my back until i fell asleep.  but even those several months, without fail i'd wake up several hours later lying on my stomach or side.  after a while, i compromised.  if it was impossible to turn myself into a back-sleeper, then i'd settle for making a side-sleeper out of myself.  and so it's been for quite a few years.  from stomach, an attempt at back, and then side.  my side was a compromise - it didn't hurt my back as much as sleeping on my stomach would, and it wasn't quite as difficult as falling asleep on my back.  so it became routine.

but lately i wake up in the mornings on my back.  note, i go to sleep on my side.  almost always my side, and yet i wake in the morning with my head and neck craning upward toward the white ceiling as i lie flat on my back.  only when i move the pillow does a smidgen of comfort return to the position.

it's as if my body is adjusting to the healthful routines i've set, determining that it will follow suit and cooperate with that once feeble attempt at my back-sleeping conversion.  maybe the tossing and turning are simply an attempt of my body to land me in a position that feels natural, healthful again.  perhaps it has something to do with not curling up in a corner of bed alone anymore.  possibly it has something to do with my sore neck legs and feet pushing me into the most nurturing and restful position that my body can muster.

whatever the reason, my health or my feet, i wake in the morning on my back.
and if this trend continues, i really ought to search for a pillow that doesn't crane my neck toward the sky as my body seeks a new comfort place.  because waking up to an aching neck just isn't doing it for me anymore.

i might just make a back-sleeper out of myself, yet.

come on in

i've been thinking extensively about boundaries, lately.  and how, although boundaries used correctly are always a safety, they can be pretty scary sometimes.  it's interesting that as humans we either want to have other people so close that we can't tell the difference between us and them or so far away that they'll never really touch the real us.  very few people naturally strike a happy medium, although a healthy medium is absolutely attainable.

i've also been thinking quite a bit about natural consequences for intruding on another person's boundaries.

as i've come to see, boundaries act like a fence.  it's not healthy to have a solid rock ten-foot wall surrounding my home with no gate, making it impossible for anyone to leave or enter.  it's also not healthy to have no fence at all - making it possible for all the evil to come in right along with the good.  one leaves no room for accepting new good things and people; the other leaves no mechanism for keeping out danger.

and so i am in search of a good study gate.

and maybe some white paint and wood, too.  my fences need to be thoroughly inspected.

you will have created something.

even a lousy poem.

i'm going to create a little more on my days off this coming week, even if it's lousy.  after all, you've gotta start somewhere! :)

happy saturday, everyone!

talk to me.

dear taylor,
i miss you.  the past two days i've been jealous that you're in a big city with all the eating-out options you could want and i've been stuck in bed sick.  someday, let's go to dallas together.  and eat really good food there.  until then, come home to me so i can kiss you!
love your {sometimes} impatient wife.

dear work,
i can't wait for you to start opening at eight am. instead of six.  i'm pretty sick of seeing 4:10 am. on the alarm clock.  also, i wish there was a create-your-own-schedule button.  for some reason, every week your schedule just seems really inconvenient.
love someone who uses you for your money.

dear bed,
you've been good to me this week.  here's to seeing less of you in the future.  don't be offended, i just don't like being sick.
love your loyal friend.

dear jeans,
stop getting tighter.  just stop it right now.
love me and i'll love you back.

dear waterbottle,
i love you with all my little watery heart.  it's good to have you back in my hand.  i'll try desperately never to leave you somewhere inconvenient again.
love my lips.

dear natalie,
you don't know how happy i am that you're speaking to me again.  even though it was just texting, our conversation yesterday made me come alive more than i have in a while.  i'm going to keep playing scrabble with you online because i know it's your weakness - and might be my only shot at consistent communication.
love your sister, still.  please.

dear gym,
after getting a membership i've been once.  sure, think me a fool for giving you my money, but dog-gonnit, i'm gonna be seeing you every day next week so you better keep your mouth shut and be good to me.
love your hesitant client.

dear husband,
i want to make you a treat.  i really want you to come home to something delicious right out of the oven.  but i can't decide which would be better: making you a treat to come home to or taking fifteen minutes to speak on sunday so you don't have to speak for a half hour.  it's not gonna be both, thank my four thirty tomorrow morning for that.
love your indecisive second-job chef.

confessions

if i didn't believe that tattoos are a desecration of a great gift, i would want to be a tattoo artist.  because really, i think there's a lot of great ink out there.  it's why i love henna.
if i did drink coffee, i'm pretty sure i'd love a tuxedo latte every morning.
secretly, i wish i could move deep into farm land, grow and raise all my own food, never wear makeup or do my hair again, and milk cows every morning.
lately, despite my certainty three months ago that seattle was the worst place on earth, i wish i could go back.
sometimes, although i want a big family more than i want anything on earth, a life lived with my husband, a dog and a great line-up of races sounds best.  guess that's why i don't have children yet.
i still call myself an artist although i haven't put pencil to paper in that way for years.  when i say i'm an artist, i don't say that deep down i'm terrified that i've lost that part of myself and replaced it with research.
i've been trying to work up the guts to dye my hair red for the past six years.
a year ago, i started thinking about going to hair and beauty school.  although i faked the death of that dream when i got married, it still intrigues me enough that i think about it several times a week.
i love fiction most because it helps me believe that magic and fairies and dragons still exist - we've just lost the ability to see them. {shout out to fablehaven. i'm a believer.}
although i would never wish myself back in high school in a million years, i miss having a good group of girlfriends to go out to dinner with more than just about anything.
sometimes i wish that reincarnation was a real thing.  if it was, i'd really like to be the lead singer in a rock band in my next life.  {side note, the song galileo by the indigo girls is one of the best songs ever written.}
i want so much to start racing consistently {and i have for a while}.  it's obtainable, and after a year, i still can't put my finger on what's stopping me - other than fear that i won't be able it.
all it took to shake my confidence in the kitchen was a malfunctioning oven.  after burning three batches of granola consecutively, i'm scared to undertake another expensive baking endeavor.

often {lately}, i think i don't really know what i want in my life right now.  i'm in search of a dream.  in search of something that's just mine to go after.  whether it's a cat, a career as a hair designer, or a marathon.  just something that feels like it's mine.  and me, something that's really really me.

an unexpected three days off

sick sick.  it started last night at 2 am. and persists, although it's not nearly as bad now as it was last night.

luckily, i have a sympathetic manager who's covering my early morning shift tomorrow.  what goes around comes around, i guess.  i'm pretty grateful at the moment i covered for him yesterday.

now, the question is what to do with myself.  taylor's out of town volunteering at an mft conference for the next three days.  originally, i'd planned to pick up a couple shifts while he was away - might as well while i'm alone!  now, i won't be working at all while he's away.  i'll get some good rest, but sadly i'll probably be working more next week while he's on spring break {lucky man... sometimes i wish i were back in school}.

at the moment, i'm unshowered, my hair's greasy, and i finally have an appetite.

however, i'm afraid of the bathroom because i found an ant in the tub earlier today.  nothing makes me cringe like finding an ant in my house.  i can't handle them, and that's the truth.

and now, i think i need a grapefruit, an egg and cheese on toast, some bacon, and something chocolate.

really, chocolate makes just about everything better, right?

unexpected schedule

this morning, i woke up at 5:30 to the wind rattling my blinds like all it wanted was to get into the bedroom and crawl into bed with me.  finally being conscious enough to realize i could do something about the obnoxious rattling, i slithered out of bed and crawled along the floor to slam the window shut.  ten minutes later, barely dozes off again and fully aware that my alarm was going off in twenty minutes, my phone started chirping - a text message.  at 5:40 in the morning?  whoever was texting me that early deserved to be ignored.

twenty minutes later, i looked at my phone.  after reading the desperate situation my manager was in, i decided my schedule was going to flip-flop today.  so what was supposed to be a free morning filled with DAILIES, granola bar making, reading and working out became another morning at work making coffee and smoothie for the people that weren't having a great day and needed a little lift.

luckily, i finished at two.

the man of the house was feeling pretty sick today, and my body wasn't exactly feeling in tip top shape, either.
he ate with me on my lunch break {and made us a killer raspberry cheesecake yogurt parfait}, then came to pick me up after work.

at home, i pulled off my red uniform shirt and crawled back into bed.  a forty minute nap turned into a four hour nap this evening.

after waking up, i made yellow curry over rice, we watched another episode of psych and now it's back to bed.

needless to say {not really, i'm saying it..} we're both ingesting quite a bit of emergenc, grapefruit seed extract, vitamin d, and water.

here's to a healthier-feeling day tomorrow.
over and out-like-a-light again,

have a happy night!

day one.

today marks the beginning of a set of goals that i'm anticipating will make quite the difference on my current quality of life.  for about a month now, i've been stuck in the blah's.

backing up, for several weeks before getting married, there was company, i was stressed, we ate out often, we ate sugar more often, and i didn't exercise nearly as much as i planned.  after getting married, i relaxed.  i didn't exercise the for two or three weeks straight and my diet stayed in sugarland.  even after settling into our new apartment and started to buy and make real food, i found myself supplementing every meal with a dessert... or two.  and not those great healthy, homemade desserts i love.  lots of brownies, chocolate chip cookies, and the like.

after a good three months of this, my head's hurting quite a bit, i'm not dealing with stress the way i know i'm capable of, my jeans {and especially underwear} are uncomfortably tight, and i'm tired more than i'd like to be.

the good thing is that i know how to change this.

so today marks day one of buckling down on all the things that maintain my health and keep me happy and feeling chipper.  here's the rundown:

• exercise: 45+ minutes a day (60 = goal), 6 days a week, allowing 2 miss days in a 4 week period
• nutrition: sugar only 1-2 times a week {enforcing the 80/20 rule here}.  3 meals a day + a healthy snack if i need one {or two depending on my exercise schedule}.
• think: positive thoughts about myself - create a healthy psychological environment

i'll also be tallying up how many times a week i make time for relaxation yoga and how many affirmation/breathing/stretching sessions i get in, as well.  those i'm being a little more relaxed about because i don't want to be a drill sergeant with myself - just get mindful of those things so they can increase.

aaaand here's my little chart i've made up for myself.  notice the first day's a success! ;)

notice the quote at the top - this is the motto.  the goal is to adjust this as necessary to so i can be super consistent and maintain it for a long time.  eventually, that'll mean cutting down the exercise strictness.  for now, that's to boost my motivation and help me get to the gym.

which.... as of today, i am the proud owner of a gym membership!  it's a darn good thing our apartment complex has an agreement with gold's gym.  let's all give a round of applause for a free gym membership.  yay!!!!

anyway, the workout today was a bit intimidating, it being my first time inside a real big-sized gym, but it felt good to move.  it was also great to go without dessert - today was a boost in confidence.

i got this thing.

'night, world.  off to sleep away my exhausted legs and feet.

living the artful life

this week, i want to live a little more with this in mind.  be a little more punky brewster with my wardrobe.  drink a little more herbal tea and recognize that the drinking of it is beautiful in and of itself.

i love art.  and to recognize that i am {indeed} art, that would be a beautiful thing.  this week, i'll notice the artful things.  i'll notice that the way i tuck my hair behind my ear is uniquely mine.  i'll recognize that the mukluks i wear are actually a piece of art {of which i ought to take a photograph so my children will believe that i did used to wear something that cool}.  i'll give myself permission to call the color and shape of my eyes artful.  i'll allow myself to agree that my goals are a staple in the piece of art that i am.




i learned several things today.
one.  my husband is a pessimistic post-positivist.
two. waking up at 4:30 am. for two days and going to bed at 12:30 am. a day later is going to get to me eventually.  let's hope i can find a way to be consistent even with switching off between closing and opening.
and three. although i get anxious during situations in which i stand up for an opinion that isn't mutually supported, i can.  and it isn't the end of the world.

happy sunday :)