uncomfortable.

it has again been positively too long.  i'm still figuring things out, here in seattle.  still trying to get into a routine, some sort of schedule that gives me room to breath, to cook, to run, and to blog.  

it was a beautiful day, today.  sunny, slightly cloudy, evening rainstorm, and high sixties.  it's been a beautiful week.  one morning, bekah and i went to greenlake together to take a morning run.  greenlake is already one of my favorite places in the city.  the trail around the small, clear lake is almost three miles and full of joggers, dogs, rollerbladers, walkers, runners, and bikes.  people are friendly when they exercise and being there feels safe, feels most like home, so far.  that morning was completely clear.  we started running just as the sun was coming up, and i've seen few things as beautiful.  the reflection off the water was so bright that i could hardly see anything for several minutes.  canadian geese glided around the lake, squirrels dashed out of their trees to see the sun, and i was more energetic than i've been in weeks.  it was a glorious morning - one where my feet felt like they were flying, my lungs had air to spare, and the breeze cooled me off just enough.  it reminded me of the reasons i run - why i would never give it up.

greenlake is a close second to my red mountain running trail.  i've never ran anywhere quite as beautiful as the red mountains of ivins, but greenlake is a different experience.  running by a lake is much different than running in the quiet stability of mountains.  it took a couple times to really get the feel for it - the enjoyment of the water, the way i enjoy the mountains.  but now, i look forward to nothing quite as much in my day-to-day.

i wonder sometimes why we do things that make us uncomfortable.  why do people run, move to countries where they don't speak the language, accept jobs and internships that are far out of their comfort zone?  so many of the big things in life don't have guaranteed outcomes.  it's impossible to say whether we'll look back and see the best experience of a lifetime or the most ridiculous mistake you've ever made.

tonight, i'm really not sure why i do those things that scare me and make me uncomfortable.  i think the human race, in general, is a little masochistic.

it's been one of those long, loooong weeks that fly by so quickly i don't remember what i really did.  i'm excited tomorrow is sunday - the day when i don't need to be pushed to work.  when i can rest - really, really rest.

get things done day!

today is my productivity for life day.  that means that my main goal is to get all the basic things done - the rest of the week has been productivity for work, so i'm super happy it's thursday and i have a little room to breathe.  i've already gone to the gym, cleaned the office entirely, and eaten breakfast.  now, i need to take a shower, put clean sheets on my bed, go to the art museum {free!}, grocery shop, do some laundry {first, figure out this laundry card business}, go to an interview, and hopefully find some time to read.

it's a long list for one day - especially when you can never really say how long it'll take to peruse an art museum. my productivity would skyrocket if i skipped the museum and decided to go next month on free thursday, but really. . .i just love art.  i can't decide what to do yet.  because i absolutely have to find time today for groceries...and laundry.  because really, that whole thing called living on oatmeal is just getting ridiculous!  so maybe i'll hold off on art till work slows down slightly in a month.

also, i learned a song on the guitar yesterday!  it's about time i pick up another instrument.  no matter what it is, it feels darn good to make music again.  it's simple and cute - and i'm still working on this whole "i can sing and play at the same time" deal.  but it's coming, and i love it!

happy thursday!

the ugly side of research

research is fun - i get to go inside strangers houses, hook them up to machines, be bossy and tell them what to do for three hours, kick their kids out, lock their pets in closets, play with cameras and laptops and other machines that i don't know the names of.  i get to wear dorky polo shirts and khaki pants.  i get to drive around seattle and oooh and ahh at all the glorious little houses.  i get to act like a stalker - with a purpose.  i get to spend all this time with other hyper-over-achievers.  i get to see my professors act like normal people.

but here are a few things i didn't exactly expect when i applied for a research position:

for every two hours i'm with a family, i pay them more than i make in a week.

while the family completes their little video-discussion tasks, i wait outside the front door - no matter how much it's raining. . .or how freezing it is. . .or how much i forgot my shoes when i stepped outside. . .  oh, and i can't throw things at their poor dog that's trying to break its chain and bite off my head.

no matter what, the interview goes on.  that means that while the whole family is having a screaming-match, i get to politely tell them which questions they missed and instruct, "i need you to go over this section one more time." that also means that i can't decide i've had enough of this irresponsible teenager when she won't listen to us after six times of telling her to turn off her phone and put it away.  i also can't take the phone, thus i become the broken record.

"please turn off your cell phone."
"during this portion, you can't have your phone with you."
"while you complete the questionnaire, you are not permitted to text on your phone."
"we would appreciate your compliance with our policy not to answer your cell phone while we are in your home unless it's an emergency."
your friends at the mall are not considered emergencies.
if i can't talk to my boyfriend while i'm in your home, you can't talk to yours either.  believe me, i feel your pain.
no, really.  turn off your darn phone.

being a researcher also means that i have to say things to my supervisor like, "yes, that entire section of data is unusable.  see, i wasn't aware that the monitors were marked differently than i was used to before i was in the home.  yes, it's my fault."

being a researcher means that i probably don't have time to take care of my basic human needs.  thus, my hair will be scary for the next few months, i will not be wearing makeup, i haven't done laundry in weeks, i've been living off oatmeal for several days because i don't have time to grocery shop, and i fall asleep while talking on the phone and wake up in the middle of the night only to realize i'm still in my uniform, still have my contacts in, and haven't set my alarm for the morning.  it means i don't expect to ever fully unpack.  it means i'm cutting down my to-read list and scratching things off my summer-to-do list.  not because i've read and done them, but because i'm now aware it's just not going to happen.

and now that it looks like i've ranted sufficiently, i just have to say that i really do love my job.  i love to see all different dynamics of family life and work with other crazy-like-minded people.  i do.  i may not love the screaming family, but their barking dog sure was gorgeous.

i'm getting really, REALLY good at leaving voice-messages.
i'm not scared to call random people i don't know.
i have a queen bed, so i don't feel squished when i fall asleep with paperwork all over my bed.
i'm learning - a lot.

oh, and the exciting fact of the day is that i get to see the musician again in seven days!  that's right - seven.  which practically makes up for the barking dog and screaming family.
seven! 
and counting.

i love seattle. also, i'm a researcher.

no pictures yet - still searching for batteries for my little dead camera.  but there have been so many happenings, lately!

i officially feel like a researcher.  nerdy, i know. :)  i had my first interview last night {which went splendidly, by the way}.  it was exhilarating!  and awakened that deep little passion in my heart for research.  official nerd, that's for sure.  and i lovelove it.

after working almost an eleven hour day yesterday, a few hours of peace this morning were in order.  it was strange {at first} to take a trip to the temple with a professor.  and i'm pretty sure that initial weirdness won't ever leave, but i love it nonetheless.

i've driven through seattle several times now.  i love it.  i love it i love it i love it.  i simply can't get enough of it!  it's. . .gorgeous.  it's a forest... and the ocean... and a massive city... and a quaint little village with cottages.  and a treehouse - which is where i live...and love.

i simply can't get enough of it.

it makes me breathe, it makes me live.


i've discovered how much i love new places.  i love that i don't expect the water or the trees or the random skyscrapers...

it's. . .new.  beautiful.
it's alive.

foodie night number one.

it's eight in the morning and i've been awake for two hours!  which is a big contrast to last semester when i was usually slightly late to my class at ten am.  there's something about a consistent summer routine that's extremely satisfying to me.  i'm a creature of habit, naturally, but routine in the summer time makes me happier than usual school routine.  possibly because it seems more achievable.

however, i will admit waking up at six is tough when you just didn't get to bed quite on time.  i've found some real connections among my fellow interns.  when victoria and i moved in, we discovered we held very similar philosophies on eating meat and food in general.  we both hold a generally whole-foodist approach and are vegetarian {except for the seldom exception of happy home-farm-raised animals}.  gregory, another intern in our group, holds very similar beliefs.  slightly more strict on the vegetarian scale than i am, but much less vegan than me, with a passion for cooking and ethnic food, he is an absolute foodie - heart and soul.  i didn't get enough sleep last night because my before-bed routine {which involves quite a bit of talking on the phone to several different significant people} was pushed back by my new-found food lovers.

as victoria and i were on our way out the door to scope out some local indian food, gregory texted us both.  "to all vegetarians and flexitarians, thai food off the cuff at my place!  be there around six."

thai food and indian food are about equal in my book - two favorites.  and really, free vegetarian food that i know is going to be healthy?  who could resist??

long story short, the food was amazing, the conversation was steller, and the company made me feel a little more at home in seattle.  not to mention, i now have a long list of recommended health food markets and other food-related destination points to visit in seattle.  several, i'm sure, will become second homes.  we spent several hours talking vegetarian-talk, moving back and forth between the logistics of vegetarianism, vegetarianism and LDS beliefs, vegetarianism in the scriptures, our individual transitions to a whole-foods attitude, and the general food industry vs. whole foodism.

it's been much too long since i've had conversations of that sort, and i feel so blessed to have found a few people that share my passion for food in such similar ways.  it makes it easier here to cook for other people {something i love and thrive off of} and gives me a little comfort knowing that others will do the same for me - and i'll be able to eat knowing i'm having something healthy, something i would cook for myself.

thus was the beginning of vegetarian foodie night number one.  i'm sure there will be many more to follow over the course of the summer, and i can't wait to see my recipe collection grow!

seattle run

there are so many things that i haven't been able to post about lately!  but i'm determined to catch up - although i'm also well aware this catch-up might take me quite a while.  see, i don't exactly have the internet in my seattle apartment.  yet.  monday should be the day when all that is taken care of, but until then i'm trying to sneak onto other people's unsecured networks {which has only been successful once}, and i'm parking myself in the flourishing families office where the internet is free for our use.  the problem: i don't have a key to the office yet.  those are still coming and eventually i'll have one.  but for now, snagging some internet time is a little tricky.

even though i know there's a lot of catch-up for doing, i'm going to save that for when i can be cozied-up on my queen-sized bed with a large mug of tea.  that's when i'll write about graduation, my last days in provo, the road trip to the seattle, and the first stages of work and project move-in.  with a few pictures. . .a few.  my camera always dies as the most inconveniet time possible - which is now.

this morning, i went on my first run in the city, and oh it was so needed!  for some reason, running in a new city always makes it easier to love a new city.  it lets you get to know the city on a level you don't get from the driver's seat of a car.  my run was just a half hour, and i only ran up the main road that my apartment complex is conveniently located on.  but that was enough - enough to have me sighing at the old moss-covered bricks that surround all the trees and how everything here can stay so surprisingly moist even when it's not raining.  running is different here.  we're surrounded by slight incline in every direction which is very different from provo running.  the sidewalks are wide, for the most part, but usually also covered in mud.  i've heard there's a great running trail not too far from here.  it circles a small lake and is suposedly one of the prettiest places in the world {according to one of the project professors}.  i can't wait to find it and make it my own.  although i'm surrounded by many more people than ever before, it seems easier to run by that peace that running brings me.  the rain and clouds seem to mute most noise and the moss and trees make me feel like i'm in a forest - an illusion i'm happy about.

i've been running alone for most of my running existence.  but seattle is a little too big and too foreign for me to just take a run on my own.  luckily, my work partner {rebekah} feels the same way.  she's positive and sweet and we seem to run really well together.  eventually, we'll be joined by brooke - the work partner of my roommate.  we seem to all be at about the same pace and all want to step things up a notch and find a race or two this summer to run.  i'm more than thrilled to have some running support!  it was one thing i was most nervous about - finding a consistent schedule that would work for other girls as well, finding other girls that seemed about on-pace with me, finding places to run without getting lost.

the latter is still a concern, but i think it'll come eventually.  i have a pretty good layout of the surrounded two or three miles. . .which i understand isn't much, but it's a start!  especially for someone as directionally challenged as i am.  i know where the nearest grocery store, mall, and target are.  which is a big, big step!  it does help tremendously that we are only minutes away from all.  and while i'm still definitely working on the layout of the apartment complex {it's massive}, i do know where the flourishing families office is, the guys' apartment with a television and massive movie collection, and my own apartment are located.  and at the moment, that's proabably all i need!

later today, i can't wait to go exploring a little.  i'm going to make a list of all the things i want to see and do in seattle this summer - probably not exhaustive, but massive, for sure.  i'm open to suggestions!  in fact, i WANT suggestions.  please.  because i'm starting at nothing.  ooookay, not really nothing.  i want to find that running trail, and i want to go to an ethiopian restaurant, and find the city gum wall.  more to come on that!

and now, it's time to really start my day.  i've had my chocolate peanutbutter oatmeal, showered and now to do some unpacking before my meetings!

it's cloudy, with the ever-present mist heavy in the air this morning.  really, the weather is absolutely fascinating to me, to be honest.

{ps. this was written this morning at 7:30 on a word processor while sitting at the kitchen table watching the beautiful seattle morning rain shower and watching the squirrels scamper away for cover.  now, while i'm posting i'm sitting in the flourishing families office watching the afternoon rain shower.  rain, rain, rain.  it's so much more beautiful than i thought it would be!}

why, yes. i do live in seattle.

that's right, folks.  i live in seattle.  my room is a mass of practically immovable boxes that i dragged up six flights of stairs.  my roommate is awesome. i'm pretty much finished eating out.

the city is incredible.  and beautiful.  and. . .more green than i knew existed.  and. . .wet.

and i have to unpack. and figure out what's for dinner - and where a grocery store is.  and find out how to have internet in my room.

so, i'm going to do those things.

yes, i'm feeling a little disconnected.

but the squirrels and crows outside on my balcony are very friendly new neighbors.

everything leaves.

i'm thankful for a washer and dryer in my apartment tonight so i don't have to be waiting at a laundry facility in provo, utah in the middle of the night.  it's really late, and my eyes are feeling scratchy.

leaving is a funny thing.  i've been thinking so much about it lately. . . leaving is good: it means growth.  leaving is tedious because i hate to pack.  leaving is exhilarating because adventure is out there! {pilot goggles and all.}
leaving is difficult - i don't want to let go, yet.

big changes are always a little tough to stomach for me, but this semester is a new degree of distasteful.  i've become more attached to here lately.  the people are harder to leave.  my roommates and i have all avoided packing this semester.  we've loved living with one another so much.  it's been peaceful, motivating, sometimes silly, and mostly just downright fun to live together.  my family is always hard to leave behind, particularly my niece and nephews.  they change so much between my monthly visits home.  it's hard to imagine how much they'll change after four months of being away.  and then there's the musician.  my consolation in this case is that i'm not the only one leaving.  while i'm having adventures in seattle, he'll be adventuring as well.  japan is far away.  seattle is far away.  strangely, i find myself un-heart-broken.  it'll be a challenge, but i know i'm in a much better place emotionally to handle this kind of challenge right now than. . .before.

i attended byu's graduation ceremony today.  natalie {who finished in december} is graduating, and the musician is graduating.  i couldn't help but think of the inconstancy of my life right now.  always moving apartments, always changing my address.  the people in my life coming and going so quickly that sometimes it's difficult to keep track of who came first.  everyone leaves, lately.  genni to home, ari to boston, the musician to japan, my family leaving home and leaving here back to home, sabrina to florida, me to seattle.  close to eight thousand graduates left byu this graduation.  the snow left provo, and soon i will, too.

i know i'm becoming repetitive.  it's like a circular track in my mind, my thoughts going round and round and round.  it's strange that it's not exactly bothering me.  mostly i think it's because i'm not the only one leaving. . . or maybe more because i'm not being left.  that was always the hardest.

there are a few things i have consciously decided to leave, however.  after debating.

i'm leaving the bathroom scale.  for me, this is actually a lot bigger deal than i thought it would be.  there's been a good deal of hype lately about "throwing out the scale" and ripping off all size tags from clothing.  i was never really attached to the scale.  okay, that's a lie.  i wasn't attached until last semester when for the first time there was a scale in my bathroom constantly.  it brought out more obsessiveness than i liked.  i've wanted to throw it away all semester, sometimes desperately.  for a while it became an ugly enemy - always taunting me, reminding of things i didn't want to remember, things i struggled to accept, things i feared i couldn't rid myself of.

but i'm through with it.

i've decided that leaving is a good time to leave a few things behind in my life as well, leave out some bad habits.  i've made such massive leaps of progress this semester when it comes to eating, health habits, self love, self confidence, courage, and trust.  although i've told myself that it doesn't really bother me to have it there, i know it does because every time i walk by i'm tempted "just to see..."

so the scale stays - for good.  in the trash, for that matter.  i'm leaving the last bits of that ugly disorder behind.

i think sometimes, in order to leave things out of our lives that shouldn't be there we have to actually physically leave.  an interesting concept - that physically leaving can aid emotional leaving so much.

and it makes me wonder what else i'm leaving that i don't realize yet.

or what i'm taking to seattle that i'll need to leave there when it's time for me to leave again.
and come home.

the countdown.

at the moment, my room looks like a six foot tall five year old walked in and decided that nothing belonged in the closet and everything belonged on the floor.

my finals are finally over.

the sky is cloudy and rainy {just one week of sunshine??}.

i can't find the packing tape.

i have to have all my belongings in a U-haul in two hours.

i haven't started packing.

i leave in three days.

i'm saying "i" way too much.

the potatoes on the counter are going bad.

all i can think about is hiking.  and strawberries.  and running.

oh yeah, and i ate eel last night - freshwater eel in my sushi.  also spicy tuna and shrimp.  i'm proud i could stomach them.  and if i ignored what they were, i could absolutely say it was some of the most delicious stuff i've ever tasted.

sushi = yum.

....i should start packing.

laugh

"laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face."

--victor hugo