the end.

finished.

clicked send on my last final at 6:13 pm.

i'm tired.
but i'm reveling in the excitement of finishing such a demanding semester!

it's elating, and although i'm really quite exhausted i don't want to sleep for fear i'll wake up and realize i still have eight research papers due. . .
or something scary like that.

school has been all-consuming this semester, since that first day i came home from class and laid on the floor for four hours reading.  i don't think i've stopped reading {or writing} since. . .

the first day: {could have been every day}

i laid on the floor reading. standing, stretching, breathing every half hour or so.  several hours into the bulk of it, an outgoing {and slightly overbearing} boy calls me.  from the ward.  he'd gotten my number the previous day at a little "get-to-know-you" activity. don't we all love those?  i was flattered.  after all, more than a few girls had been eying him the whole night.  i was not, however, very interested.  i'm polite, but i had homework and was a little too emotionally overwhelmed to be a very pleasant date at the barbecue.  i said no. but thank you, and please ask me again some time!  he never called, and i was never disappointed.  as it turns out, i was very, very lucky.  eating cookies at his apartment about a month later, i heard the whole tale straight from his own drama-filled mouth.  dating three girls in the ward, stressed that he couldn't hide it much longer and distressed because he couldn't decide which one to choose.  i'm glad to say i didn't laugh {out loud}.

believe me, i do consider myself lucky.

and now i get to sleep.
and cook whatever i want, disregarding the amount of time the recipe takes.
and paint my end table.
and read sense and sensibility and eating animals and three cups of tea and total money makeover.
and drink hot chocolate in the morning in bed.
and run for an hour without worrying about the time.
and finish my christmas shopping!

happy end of the semester.  merry christmas to all!
and to all. . . a very good night!

weekend excursions

have i said how excited i am to be all the way finished with this semester yet? tomorrow. tomorrow is the day that it's all over with.

as a little break from all this finals studying, my sisters mindy and hailey came up to visit on friday night.  they just left this morning - it was a fabulous weekend.  christmas concert with the utah symphony, shopping with the sisters for christmas presents and clothes, lunch at one of the coolest healthy-urban-hippie-ish restaurants in salt lake (the oasis), and dinner at an all-time favorite: the bombay house.  who doesn't love indian food, right?

having my sisters up for a little escape to salt lake city was one of the best thing that could have happened this weekend! it gave me just the break to work up a little more stamina for my last two finals.  one in the testing center tomorrow that will determine whether i scrape by or come off with my all-time lowest class grade yet, and another that will only make me feel warm and fuzzy.

no matter the outcome, tomorrow night i'll be celebrating!  making myself and my sister wonderful balanced meals, running every day, and reading all the books i've been dying to read all semester long.  not to mention sewing, painting furniture, possibly doing something drastic to my hair (and i mean really drastic), and... well, doing anything and everything i want!  maybe i'll even find some willing boy and take myself swing dancing - something that this semester has had a shocking lack of.

this semester has been rather suppressing. . . and it's time for a little creative liberation.
in just about every way possible.

also, going to salt lake helped my seattle excitement to escalate.  i'm getting excited - really, really excited!  in fact, i started thinking about how sad i'll probably be to leave when the time comes.  i can't wait for the new sounds, sights, smells, and people.
i'm ready for adventure!

here at the end of all things

today i sat in my third level english class and quietly celebrated.  first class of the semester finished.  sixteen page research paper out of my hands, twenty minute presentation out of my mouth.  finished!  this is one of those bittersweet endings - i love to write.  i love to be critiqued.  i love to workshop my writing.  and i'll miss that.  i won't miss that massive group project though.  i am infinitely happy that is done with.

it's all almost over again, and i'm slightly reluctant to let it all go.  one class particularly, i can't seem to let go of.  my advanced family processes class {graduate school prep class} terrified me at first.  the professor calling on people at random, and me sitting there biting my nails hoping something intelligent would come out of my mouth. now i love it.  now i don't wait until he tells me i have to talk or else.  oh how i love those people and their opinions!  it's been my favorite class thus far, i think.  the most challenging, arguably.  the most ambiguous, definitely.  but also the deepest.  we thought in that class, i mean really thought.  beautiful, intelligent conversation and debate.  glorious disagreements and fantastic compromises.  i'll miss that intellectual roller-coaster more than any class before.  not to mention the people - the quirky social science nerds, the girls with the beautiful accents, the ones that challenged my thoughts and became kindred spirits.  i'll miss that professor profoundly, with his unexpected lectures and history tangents, his advice, concern, and real-life down-to-earth expectations.

i can't wait to work with his project in seattle.  it frightens me a little again, to be trusted with a piece of this genius's brain-child.  but i'm giddy nonetheless.

thankful:

1. i'm thankful for the best professor i've ever had.
2. i'm thankful for for the potentially last group paper i'll ever write - finished!
3. i'm thankful for customized cupcakes and chocolate milk to end the best class of the semester.
4. i'm thankful for pasta salad after a starving day, a grandpa with a kind heart, chocolate oats, glen beck.
5. i'm thankful for three hour naps after one crazy day on campus, and a sister to make sure i don't sleep for twenty hours consecutively.

christmas in the air

happy december!  i'm a few days late, but it's the first sunday of the month and the first time i've really remembered it's already here.  december houses so many different exciting {and sometimes bittersweet} happenings: the end of the semester is flying toward me, christmas is creeping up, finals are looming, two of my sisters are coming up so soon, and i have so many presents to give away and little surprises and treats for people that i'm practically bursting at the seams!  the evening of the first sunday of december usually finds me curled up on the couch watching the annual LDS christmas devotional, but not tonight.  annalisa, my sweet roommate from summertime had four tickets to attend the devotional in salt lake city today!  i was thrilled when annalisa invited sabrina, natalie and i to shuttle up north with her to see the devotional in person!

this is the second year in a row i've been to the devotional, and just like last year, it took my breath away.  temple square is even more beautiful in the december fog and christmas lights.  the conference center was a spectacular sight.  as always, the devotional moved me almost to tears.  the girls and i sang christmas songs, laughed about the ridiculous christmas music on the radio, and took a million pictures!

being at the devotional again and walking the temple grounds afterward made me extremely contemplative, and. . . reflective, mostly.  i attended the devotional last year in much different life circumstances.  it's a memory i still treasure - an important period of my life that caused so  many significant changes, shaped me and steered my path in life, strengthened my faith in my Savior.  i'm different now.  much different than i was back then, a year ago.  it's interesting how much a year can change a person.  it's been one of the most changing years of my life.  one of the most unexpected, one of the more challenging.

i'm putting a lot of thought into my goals for this coming year, that's for sure.  it was almost a disconcerting experience to look back and realize that i've changed in so many ways i didn't ever expect to.  i'm different now in ways i didn't expect to ever be different in.  next year when i look back, i'd like to have anticipated a few of those changes, if even just for intentionality's sake.

thankful:

1. i'm thankful for wonderful x-roommates.  the little excursion tonight was exactly what i needed to set my focus on christmas instead of all my little problems {not to mention finals}.  annalisa, sabrina and natalie are three of the people that make me smile the most, i think.  i love being around happy people, and they are certainly happy people!

2.  i'm thankful for christmas lights, christmas trees, christmas songs, and christmas spirit.  i love seeing people be a little more kind, a little more thoughtful and giving.  it makes me want to do the same.  believe me, this year i have plans for just that.

3. i'm thankful for genni - we have such wonderful heart-to-hearts.  so telling.  inspiring enough to let me see myself and others more clearly.  and that clarity is always a large relief to me.

4. i'm thankful for hot chocolate, hot ginger tea, hot water with lemon juice and cayenne pepper. . . and all the things that makes them hot!  after being outside tonight, i needed a good warm-up to stop the shivering!

5. i'm thankful for the encouraging words and beautiful music tonight.  it lifted my focus to where it should be, gave me the strength i'll need for the coming week, and set my heart as ease during this crazy time.  it helped me to slow down and ponder more.  to appreciate the simple things and be thankful for everything i've been given.

ps. i know things with heat are becoming a repetitive theme - this will probably continue through february or march at least, at which point i'll be eternally thankful for spring.
pps. merry christmas!!

coat disorder

thankful:

today, natalie and i went coat shopping.  if i haven't mentioned, i am in desperate need of a winter coat.  being without one here {even just at the beginning of december} is devastating!  fortunately, we have a water heater.  in my small circle of kindred spirits it is fairly well known that i hate coats.  winter clothing as a whole, to be honest.  i have a phobia of feeling like a marshmallow.  if it's too tight i won't wear it because it makes me claustrophobic in my own skin.  if it's it's too big i won't wear it because i feel like a man.  coats are difficult for me.  so after turning in a massive research paper this afternoon {that i've been losing sleep and hair over for the past week}, and despite natalie's looming research paper, we headed into town in search of a suitable coat.  she didn't really know what she was getting into, despite her superior knowledge of my coat disorder.  we found one. sort of.  see, i bought one, but i'm not sure i'm entirely satisfied with it.  and. . . that's a lot of money to spend on something i'm not absolutely in love with.  i like it an incredible amount, but i'm not sure if it's love, quite yet.  so. i bought another coat online - one that i am absolutely in love with!  if it fits, i'll take one back, and voilá!  so it's undecided, but the good thing is, within the week i'll have a coat, and it was incredible fun with natalie bringing me just about every small- and medium-sized coat in the store.  so. . .

1.  natalie: i'm thankful for a sister that will let me drag her through the ordeal of choosing a coat, despite how difficult and ridiculous i am every time i put another one on.  it was a darn good thing i wasn't alone, or i wouldn't have come out with anything!

2.  water heaters: genni and were talking about how absolutely cool it would be to have one of those water heaters that never runs out of hot water - the ones that heat it as it enters or something specific like that.  then, i realized that i am blessed to even have a water heater, even if it runs out of hot water after i do the dishes.  i am so absolutely grateful for hot water when i wake up in the morning and freeze upon getting out from under the covers.  hot water is an absolute piece of my physical salvation sometimes and i am thankful for that water heater!

3.  coats: natalie has one i've borrowed this week and oh was i ever thankful for that coat!  walking to class with just a jacket had my lips blue and goose bumps on my goose bumps on my entire body.  i'm happy that i have a coat.  so many people don't and this week having one to borrow (and now having one in my possession) makes me want to buy one for every poor college student in provo that isn't warm enough - not to mention the rest of the freezing world population.  this christmas, i wish for everyone who needs a coat to have one.

4.  finished research papers: i was so relieved today after turning in that paper that i could have danced. . . i should have danced!  next paper, i will.  i'm so thankful that i have the ability to be in a place where enough is demanded of me that i write things i never thought could come from my mind.  i love feeling stretched; i love feeling relief when the result of said stretch is pleasing.

5.  God-given time: i've needed a coat for quite some time.  i've needed a little escape this week with someone to give me a tad bit of coat-support.  i just haven't had time {and didn't expect to have time} until during finals week.  today, i was blessed with a few hours {and so was natalie} in which to relieve some stress and buy some warmth.  i'm thankful when God gives me things i don't expect sooner than i expected.

by the way, what were you thankful for today?

extra on the thanks

thanksgiving was lovely this year.  for the first time in {we figured} four years, my entire family was together - plus a few extras.  we had almost a pie per person!  and the food... oh! the food.  it was glorious, to say the least.  this was also the first time in probably five years that i took part in the turkey-eating.  i can tell you right now, it was darn good!

other than our passionate love affair with food, thanksgiving (and the beginning of the holidays in general) bring out a few little quarks in my family.

as has become the unspoken tradition, all chess boards remained on the tables in multiple rooms.  i think i played over ten games of chess while home, and only lost two!  unfortunately, the losses were to my dad and natalie's boyfriend {brant}.  old vices, intimidation, drastically out of practice, the excuses could go on.  truth be told, i've only beat my dad twice in my life - and we've been playing since i was probably thirteen.

the holidays awaken another sleeping monster, especially prevalent in hailey and i (although vigorously shared by my dad and natalie, too).  epic movie marathons are always on the mind around this time of year.  usually the lord of the rings, star trek, or pirates of the caribbean.  something along those lines.  but this year (in light of the newly released craze), we waved our wands and borrowed the entire harry potter collection from my oldest sister, carrie.  yes, that's right: harry potter 1-7 (part one) in a week!  i'll admit. . . i still have hesitations about harry potter.  i was outright anti for quite some time.  after reading books one through five i was absolutely fed up with the recycled plot, lack of all natural consequences for the main characters, and well, other things.  but i've reduced my sticklerness lately.  harry potter, while not fabulous literature, is fun.  and sometimes, i'm okay with just fun.  i've realized (after slowly beginning to eat meat again) that i don't have to be obsessive about the things i feel strongly about.  just cautious.
and oh was it fun!
the honest truth: i think i might even see 7 (part one) in theaters again. . . and possibly pick up the last three books during the semester for a bit of light escapism.

okay! now, what i was actually going to write about when i started this crazy post was how i'm working on an attitude adjustment.  in light of the season, i'm starting a thankful series.  the plan: at least five things i'm thankful for per day - recorded starting today {but i had to review thanksgiving, too, after all}.  we'll see how it goes.  basically, being thankful makes me un-grouchy.  sorta like the LOVE game.  but here's the thing.  it's the last two weeks of the semester, so. . . crunch time.  i'll miss some days probably.  but the point is to keep me from ripping out my hair if finals go kerplunk.  i think it will!

oh yeah, and to all you other college students: happy finals.  i'm praying for all of us!

thankful:
1. i'm so very thankful for a new heating pack.  i love not having rice in my bed, and i'm so thankful that i can sleep warmly.
2. i'm thankful that i could see the spectacular mountains this morning.  i always seem to forget how breath-taking they are when snow was completely dumped on top of them.  add to that an incredible sunrise on my walk to campus and you get a fabulous morning - that's for sure.
3. i'm thankful for sabrina perkins.  this semester, so many times when i needed a lift, she was the one that realized, that got me out of the house, convinced me to buy the incredible jacket and yellow boots, made me feel like i was trusted and worth trusting, let me talk as long as i needed and cry as much as i wanted, made me dance to lady gaga and laugh till i was giddy.
4. i'm thankful for ink in my printer. . . and getting slightly more simple, for my printer.  the expense and hassle of printing in the library for a month was starting to drive me bonkers.  i live on convenience, i know.  i almost feel guilty for being thankful for a printer.  after all, it's not a necessity.  but maybe that's all the more reason to be thankful.
5. my mom sent back two bottles of homemade turkey noodle soup - thanksgiving leftovers.  believe me, i'm thankful for that soup this freezing week in provo.  and thankful for my generous mother to make the soup and insist i take it.  i love soup and mom!

the LOVE game: IV

1. i love nutmeg on my applesauce, in my oatmeal, and in everything else imaginable {in the fall}.
2. i love snuggly kitty cats - late night, early morning, and during yoga.
3. i love ingrid michaelson while i'm eating breakfast.
4. i love thanksgiving pie planning meetings.
5. i love epic movie marathons and ahi's taste of asia with hailey - oh the memories it brings back!
6. i love the anticipation of drawing christmas "sister" names.
7. i love waking up in the same bed as two cats and a sister.
8. i love the view from the front windows of my ivins home - the william's house, particularly.
9. i love the smell of autumn - the smoky rich air, the wet sagebrush, the sweet things baking.
10. i love now - two days before thanksgiving when the adreniline hits me in the face and i can't stop jumping up and down like a two-year-old, when thanksgiving food is home from the grocery store, when the tv blares christmas music, when shoppers have smiles on their faces.  i love now!

be careful what you wish for

remembering back a few years ago, if i had known i would be moving to seattle soon, i would have been thrilled.  no, thrilled is an understatement.  i would have been packing my bags today!  all i wanted was to go somewhere far away (and provo was not far enough).  byu was about the last place on the list; i didn't even know that marriage and family studies existed.  my top pick was anywhere in the northwest: oregon, preferably; washington, a close second; even northern california would have satisfied my craving for far and different.  but i drew the byu card, and packed up my room to move to happy valley.

it only took a few months before i really started to love provo.  i fell in love with the ancient houses, first.  the first morning i glimpsed the mountains on fire with autumn, i knew no other sight could have satisfied my soul as much.  screaming at the ice on the sidewalks and slipping every two steps had me laughing harder than is allowed at straight-faced straight-laced byu.  the morning rain in the spring.  the train's whistle at night.  the campus bells at noon.  yes, i am deeply in love with provo - in a way that i never thought possible.  can you believe i'm sad to have missed the first huge snowstorm of the season?  i am!  thinking backward, i'm shocked i didn't want to be there.

i'm amused that i thought i needed the northwest so deeply.  just when i was resigned to the fact that portland or seattle was a dream possibly too far-fetched, i found the flourishing families project.  launched from byu and based in seattle.  that was a little over a year ago - the first time i applied for the internship.  two days after submitting an application, i withdrew it again.  it was definitely not the right thing for me!  at that point, i forgot all about the northwest.  goodbye, redwood forests and rocky seashore!

but, i should have been more careful what i wished and prayed for so fervently.  you see, i guess even when we forget our dreams (those that we really held so close and so deep), God doesn't forget.  he remembers all those things we wanted so much we thought we'd die if we didn't get them.

application round two, and i'll be moving to seattle for the summer!  i'll admit it - i had mixed feelings.  see, when i forgot my northwest dream, i found others.  other dreams that now seem more deep, more fervent, more... well, desirable.  i'm ecstatic to have found a reality in my dream!  i know i'll be quite more than content up in my little corner of the united states!  and i have to remember that God gives us our righteous desires - eventually.  after all, this internship is solid proof of that!

here's the thought: a wise professor told me a few days ago, oh honey, we hardly ever get what we want in life!

and after mulling it over for several days, i've seesawed slightly.  at first, it seemed just the advice i needed!  after all, it's not what i want that really matters.  it's not where i am, but how i'm living.  and that's all that really matters.  but then i remembered... wait, i wanted seattle.  i wanted that northwest coast so badly it ached!

and i think we do get what we want, just not necessarily when we expect it.  it's easy to be so set on getting what we want now, when we want it, that we lose sight of what we wanted - or really want.  because (as long as we're wanting good things, and wanting them for the right reasons) we get what we want.

and that's . . . a good thing, right?
inconvenient, perhaps.
but definitely good!

apparently when i ramble, it always ends with a goal! :)

i've been writing too many research papers.  after the fourth or fifth time someone asks you, "how's life??" and ten minutes later you find yourself rambling on about the research articles you're reading, you know it's time to take a little break from the social sciences {for a while}.  i get hyper-focused.  luckily, i realized this early enough in the semester to make some changes.  next semester the cure will take place i hope.  but.  if i start writing poetry in my creative writing class about the social sciences, i hope someone gives me an F - or some other massive wake-up call!  sadly, although i'm home on thanksgiving {break}, my homework level has bumped itself up significantly - which doesn't help my conversational skills this week.  my professors have decided they'd rather be out for christmas a week earlier than planned.  consequently, all my finals (except one) have been moved up a week.  pro: i get an extra week of christmas break! and there's one less to endure of this insane semester. con: all my final papers have to be finished while i'm on thanksgiving break...and all my finals (except one) are on the same day.  eeeek!

but.
final papers are not going to be the death of me this week.  if that happens, it will be death by turkey.  that's right, folks. this year, i am eating turkey.
and finals aren't going to be the death of me, either. if that happens, it'll be the eight inches of snow i get to trudge through to get to finals... before the test, rather than after.
but... let's make the goal that i am not going to die... i like that one.
*first goal of my 21st year: don't die - not because of fourteen page papers, not because of finals, not because of turkey, not because of snow.
in fact... here we go. i like this better!
*first revised goal of my 21st year:  be happy about my fourteen page papers (after all, it really is fascinating research), study my eyes out for finals (the hope is for A's!), eat as much turkey as i want (it's been sooooooo long!), and make more snow men this year than i ever have before.
ready....GO!
okay.. maybe not tonight. but...come monday, the papers seriously begin!

by the way, have i said how much i love the holidays?
because i do.
also, it is so good to be home!

happy early thanksgiving!

random review, a few lists

okay, it's been a while... {again} so instead of trying to make up for anything, i'm simply going to do one of my favorite things: make a list. and probably include a picture or two.

thanksgiving plans! and plan of attack:

- leave tomorrow (friday) by noon

- create really fabulous driving playlist with all my new favorites from natalie and sabrina (including blind pilot, whom i now love).

- packpackpack tonight.. at some point hopefully.

- buy myself a couple sweaters - or at least long-sleeved shirts. believe me, i NEED winter clothes.

- go running in the morning so i don't get crazy fidgety in the car on the way down to home.

homework level:

- affects sleep level, which is at a monthly low.  fortunately, i've got another night to catch up before driving.

- last assignment before thanksgiving turned in as of 8:30 this morning

- school surprise this morning! both morning classes absolutely canceled. i am sorry my professor is ill, but also very grateful that i could eat breakfast this morning.

- 4 papers to go before the end of the break (big ones)

- two classes to go before the break... i think i can i think i can i think i can i think i can... 

excitement factors:

- i get to see my family tomorrow.

- i get to see my cats tomorrow.

- i get to go shopping in the morning.

- i have a bunch of new exciting music.

- i got to sleep in this morning.

- there are still crunchy red leaves all over provo.

- ivins is going to be significantly warmer than provo.

- all my finals have been moved up - that much closer to the finish line.

- i would have been on time to both of my 8:00 classes this week, had one of them not been canceled - that's progress, i'm telling you!

- i get to read all the books i want to read over the holiday.

the last week{ish}'s events/highlights:

- genni smashing nilla wafers with a hammer

- only one night of less than three hours of sleep

- speaking in church - glad to have done it, glad to have it over with

- listening to lady gaga with sabrina dancing like crazy in the car

- laughing more at comedy sportz, with the whole crew of us here

- one and a half days running this week (and one yoga day) - not hitting quite the mark, but still much better than expected this week

- starting my christmas shopping (that's right, sabrina - you were first!)

- drawing christmas names in my apartment (i have genni!)

- redesigning {slightly} the blog.  i was in desperate need of a change - however subtle.

- olive garden fhe

- a couple of really interesting experiences with crazy boys

- romeo & juliet: anticipated heartache, discovered freedom. allison, you are my favorite.

- really great hearttohearts

- pumpkin chocolate oats and bananas

- pumpkin pie oatmeal

- pad thai

- the emergency room for two hours (it had been a while - luckily, this time i wasn't the one with the bracelet)

- going to bed at 12:00, waking up at 11:30

- going to bed at 3:45, waking up at 6:30

- professor ripping apart my paper

- professor commending my paper

- professor condoning my eye-rolling and acknowledging my honesty in doing so

- helping hailey with math on less than three hours of sleep

- late birthday present from natalie - book by brian doyle! 

- wearing a high-wasted skirt and being happy about it

- finally doing my laundry

- cornbread and toothpaste... then the lack of toothpaste

- cookies from mom

- new potential favorite game: atlantis

- and of course, spit. the game, you know.

what a week! and only one more to go till thanksgiving. november has flown, hasn't it?