a week of mornings.

7:35 am. saturday morning.
awoken by jack johnson humming sleeping through the static from my "saturday morning sleep in" playlist.  i cracked the blinds - a usual practice.  checking to see if the sun has enough courage to shine another day.

through the maze of branches, bright sunrise rays played a still pattern on the windowpanes.  clear watercolor blue sky in patches through new-spring dew-covered leaves.  lilac bushes paused mid-bloom.  there's never been a sunrise like this before.  not a breeze, not a bird. the whole world completely still.

it lent a sense of peace deeper than any i have felt in months.  complete calm.  for the first time in weeks, my hope is concrete.  unquestioned.  awake.

it's difficult to attempt to replicate how a feeling of such momentary peace - strong enough to still an entire chaotic world - can push me forward.  one day.  i know i can handle today.  i know there are brighter sunrises to seek.  i know the leaves won't always be this green, but i know they will be again.  somedays.

i'm hopeful, and a little apprehensive.
it feels like a new chapter, a different-colored thread, a slight variation in the pattern, noticeable.
calm.  still.  no need to ask questions.  no need to know what's ahead.
simply that something is.
coming slowly, surely.
and simply live.

me: currently

hi there. i'm jessi - the one who writes all this crazy stuff.  i thought it was high time i tell you who i actually am.

i come from a little desert town called ivins with beautiful red mountains, the biggest blue skies on earth, and a best friend across the street.  we had matching names, green eyes, and freckles.  i always wanted my hair to be as red as hers was.  home-schooled and happy, i grew up liking the world best from the top of a cherry tree.

currently, i still live in the top of a tree.  well, basically.  in the summer, the view from my window is a tangle of branches, only letting through the sunlight and a glimpse or two of the white-tipped mountains.  i'm a 20 year old college student, a year away from a bachelor's degree in marriage and family studies, and living what i think is too far away from family.  what am going to do with it?  well, i'm going to help people, i'm going to pay off my student loans, and i'm going to have a family of my own. someday.  although i'm in quite a typical situation for my life stage, i do it in a different way than many.  to keep myself sane and healthy (and keep a chronic illness at bay), i live with a whole foods attitude - strictly vegetarian, lots of raw fruits and veggies, minimal animal products, zero sugar, and heaps of absolutely delicious food.  i love yoga, and i love my sleep!

i believe in creative living.  painting because i feel like it, cooking because i can, studying because i'm hungry to know, sewing because i want to learn how, and loving because it's who i am.

bright colors make me happy.  so do surprises, hikes, little notes, nieces and nephews, beach music, old books, chocolate, letters, bare feet, schedules, spontaneity, triple-digit temperatures, accomplished goals, and amy butler fabric.  

this is me: currently.

and life is a precious little pattern. 

8:05 am

blurry-eyed, i peaked through the blinds to see if the sun decided to come out this morning. it did, so i kept the blinds shut.  what was today anyway? friday...no, i would remember if it were the weekend. monday. it must be monday.

then i remembered.

thursday!! with the realization that class had started five minutes ago, i flew out of bed, shoved my feet into dark skinny jeans, squirmed into a sweatshirt and whooshed out the door (remembering to pull a beanie over my bed-hair first).  considering the fact that i wasn't quite coherent when i left the house, i'm surprised i made it to class without causing any accidents, or driving around in circles because i forgot where i was going.  but i did, and only a half hour late, too!  okay, that's not really an accomplishment...  but this morning it felt like one, especially considering this is only the second time i've been late to an 8:00 class in my life.  i'm a morning person, really. just not after 3 am bedtimes.

no more late nights for me.
8:20 pm....yep. goodnight!

on a master's degree

dear future me,

when you decide to get a master's degree,


please

please

please

please

remember all the long nights and early mornings of typing as fast as your fingers will let you.  remember the days when you only have enough energy to grab an apple before running out the door.  remember the stress of deadlines.  remember the headache of being glued to your computer.  but most of all,

remember the satisfaction of your best work.  remember your passionate rampages after reading hours of research.

remember that you love it enough that it all becomes more than worth it - it becomes right.

life is wonderful hard work - love,
me.

superman

last thursday was quite the exhausting day, right from the start.  after a long morning in a class titled "forming marital relations," discussing the different types of dating styles and their motives, i received a reply to a text sent the previous day.  call me superficial.. or cheesy.. a hopeless romantic maybe. but it made my day.  for privacy's sake, it's not included (sorry to disappoint).  it told me that he couldn't ask for a better friend.  it made my heart melt.

i met superman in february (yes, the real superman).  the hectic semester couldn't quite keep us from becoming great friends.  as the semester wrapped up in a whirl (as all do luckily), we decided that 1,087 miles couldn't keep us from furthering a wonderful friendship into something... a little more.  since the end of the semester, i am mostly grateful for green smoothies, sporadically-placed sunny days, and skype (not to mention the convenience of a shared time zone).

i'm grateful for technology in general, to be honest.  but right now, what i really mean is i'm grateful for wonderful friendships and everything that make them possible - even over a large distance, and even with superman.

chocolate truffle nut balls: yum

beautiful photography - courtesy of sabrina danielle, author of the yellow canary

this week was crazy - enough to drive me to find something chocolate... but not crazy enough to break my commitment (in other words, it still had to be raw).

here's what i came up with: 

chocolate truffle nut balls: yum.

the cookie is a combination of dates, pecans, cashews, and cocoa (a long time favorite of mine).

the truffle frosting is a new invention!

cocoa, avocado, banana, dates... and to be honest, i can't remember what else!

vanilla...maybe. a little salt. and i think that's all. :)

frozen until fudgy, these little treats are divine! and without the frosting, are absolutely perfect to grab in a zip-lock bag, throw in your backpack, and enjoy during class (which is the quest of my present life - finding things that travel well back and forth to campus).  i'm considering adding raspberries to the mix next time as well, although i'm not exactly sure how. ideas??

to the parents of the vegan cupcake, punky brewster gal

 i love it when i find things that scream, "JESSSSICAAA!!"  even more, i love it when other people find things that scream me.  it makes me feel like i'm getting across to people, like people are getting the right idea, understanding who i am, what makes me happy, and what makes my world go 'round.  this journal screamed me.  luckily, i know i can always count on my parents to find things that brighten my day.  i know they'll always "get" me.  really, i think i get the whole "keep calm and have a cupcake" saying from my mom.  except her version would be "keep calm and have a cookie," or "take some deep breaths, drink enough water, and have some chocolate."  looking back, it's a good thing my dad enjoyed my year-long cupcake craze.  i don't know what i would have done without a few people to appreciate attempt after attempt at a vegan cupcake that could take over the world.  anyway, i love my parents.  thanks, mom and dad, for understanding me... and for eating my cupcakes.  i love you!

un-cook

just like every day in provo that hasn't been so hectic i almost forget to eat, tonight i piled vegetables into my blender.  after winter semester took its toll on both my physical health and well-being, i decided that a lifestyle change was in order for at least the summer.  since the beginning of spring semester, i have delved into the world of raw foods.  through the long and sometimes rocky journey that brought me to my daily eating/sleeping/exercising habits, i have come to believe in the healing power of raw and whole foods.  so in order to have a more in-depth healing and recovery stage this summer, i've started dividing my meals into a balance of about 75% raw foods, and 25% cooked...ish.  in the past, i've done spans of a week or so following this general pattern, and this time around has been no different - i already feel more awake and alert, i have more energy, i think more clearly, and i still can't wait to eat!

tonight, while i was whipping up green gazpacho, sabrina asked a question that really made me start thinking.  she asked, "jessi, why don't you try to write a cookbook?"  next, she pointed out that almost every time i cook, i'm making it up myself or changing someone else's recipe enough that it's original anyway.  i love to cook! and this summer i love to... uncook! but really, like sabrina said, my favorite part is making it up as i go, tasting and adding more basil.. tasting and wishing i'd used two less tomatoes... tasting and making everyone around me taste, too!  luckily for me, sabrina has been a good sport so far, tasting all my concoctions and never making a "wow, that's really nasty" face.  this train of thought led me to a new life-resolution.  i've always wanted to write something.  today, i think i found my something.  someday, i'm going to publish a cookbook.  step one: start writing down everything i cook (which is actually a lot harder than it sounds because i improvise so much).  but at least it will be a start! then, maybe in 20..or 30 years..or maybe in 5 (!) you'll be able to go to your local bookstore, find my name, and then you can start tasting, too! 

today's dinner: definitely one i'm going to remember and play around with, of course - it was the best gazpacho i've had in a while!  i ate it with a mini-mexican pizza left over from a couple nights ago: ezekiel tortilla spread with black bean dip (beans, garlic, lime juice, red pepper, yum), red onion, bell pepper, tomato, broccoli, and salsa.

green gazpacho

1 avacodo

1 1/2 cups tomato (ish)

3/4 large cucumber

2 cloves garlic

1 cup water

1/4 cup lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil (ish)

1/2 teaspoon + red pepper flakes

blend together, top with chopped broccoli, orange bell pepper, red onion, and guacamole

rolled up pant-legs

today was an official day: the first official day that ants are taking over my life.  up until today, they have taken over my kitchen and my living room, but never dared invade my most personal spaces.  today, they crossed the line.  over the last several weeks, the ant problem in our apartment has been increasingly worse.  first, i was interrupted while studying by a tiny, pesky black one exploring my toes.  next, one came out of hiding from under our fridge to make a stand for his newly discovered territory; thankfully the stand-off was ended quickly by the short-time official bug-squisher, dustin (thank you, deary).  after that (even though both ants were killed almost instantly) the ants seemed to be attempting a retaliation movement - two of their lives for two of ours.  they covered the floors, walls, counters, and yes, even the ceilings.  every time i left my room, i was armed with shoes, rolled up pant-legs, paper towels for squishing, and wide open eyes scanning all possible surfaces.

at the beginning of the week, after reporting the problem several times to our ever-vigilant management company, my dad called to snap them into action.  they sprayed for ants, finally fixed the toilet handle (yay! two bathrooms again!), and placed ant traps in every corner.  feeling a little relieved, i stopped rolling up my pant-legs when i left my room.  however, sabrina and i are now quite positive that instead of ant-killer, the ant traps contained an illegal version of ant-steroids.  tripling in size, they have now invaded my bathroom and traveled via sabrina's purse into her car.  the really crazy thing is this: sabrina and i are clean... no, i could even say we are meticulous.  however, the ants soldier on.  no amount of cleaning can take care of this one. so, i continue to pray: please, please, please, please take away the ants!! or... if the ants really must stay, at least hide them from my sight so i won't know that i'm sharing my apartment and my life with large, infected, crawling, shiny, squirmy, black bugs.  and i won't complain about continuing to roll up my pant-legs.

p.s. i tried to post a picture of the large black ants we house, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. i deleted it from the computer because it was giving me the creeps! so... go look up a picture of ants yourself if you really need a visual. it just makes me itchy!

SUMMER...or not

yep, that's right. i've made a rather unreasonable decision to NOT take a break this sunny season.  for another six weeks i'll still have my nose in text books, my hand cramping from note-taking, and my seat parked in a classroom with dim lights at 8:00 a.m. (such a recipe for an alert student, isn't it?).  but please, don't mourn the loss of my sanity quite yet!  although i am absolutely sure that to most, the idea of sitting in the basement lecture hall while the weather is ideal for kite-flying is enough to bring tears the same way smacking your nose against the door frame does, i am actually mostly...excited.  there, i said it.  i am excited to be enrolled full-time in the summer.  i have officially sold my soul to the educational demon.  and yes, they have those at byu, otherwise known as the over-ambitious student ("BURN THE OVER-ACHIEVER!!" that's for you hailey). my only qualm is that i think my decision might be effecting the weather.

mother nature: "it's spring!! wait.... you're going to class.. i mean, it's SNOWING! goodbye flowers, haha!"

snow in almost-may, really? this IS an unusual year... however, although i am going to be swamped  up to my eyelids with reading and writing and test-taking, i am not going to give up my few simple pleasures of the season.  that reading list is still going to be finished at the end (i've started already - man! fablehaven is such a great escape book for post-stressful-semester).  i'm still going to sew and make jewelry, and i'm still going to make time to paint again. yes, even if it snows through june.  so wish me luck! and pray that if it really must snow, it snows so much that no one can leave their apartments so i don't feel quite so guilty about my little summer pleasures inserted in the middle of another semester.  ready, set, study!