the LOVE game

1. I love good hair days and funky hair cuts.
2. I love fast and strong 4 mile runs.
3. I love waking up to the sky already turning light. It feels natural to open my eyes when the sun does.
4. I love lazy evenings with time to read novels and learn to knit.
5. I love gazpacho in the summertime (with homemade bread).
6. I love Jack Johnson and Ingrid Michaelson. Still. Always!
7. I love finding feathers while I'm around town or outside adventuring. BIG black ones and little cotton-ball-white ones.
8. I love unplanned vacations and taking a little time to relax...and a few days to sleep in past sunrise.
9. I love American Avocets and aggravated Blue Jays.
10. I love making trips to Goodwill to clear our house of all the unnecessary stuff!

Creativity, Come Back

I've been in a writing drought, lately. Taylor's told me that for some, the key to consistent writing is consistent think time, and I think perhaps this was why blogging was so satisfying to me in the beginning. I started consistently blogging after moving to Provo and starting school. Built into my life there was a 25 minute solitary walk home. By the time I was walking home, most of the day's cares were behind me. Homework could wait, I was walking home to relax for a bit and get a snack. So I wasn't in a hurry. I was alone with my thoughts and the beautiful Provo streets and trees and sunshine...or snow. I didn't listen to music because I liked to take that time to think. The majority of my writing happened immediately after I walked in my door. I remember many days with my boots and coat still on, backpack slumped by my bed, as I satisfied the urge to write. I think the need to write because I had very consistent time to think (in an inspiring setting, with no hurry and nothing in particular to occupy my mind).

So it's been harder to write lately. Not because I don't want to write, and not because I don't have time to write. And really, it's not because I don't think or don't have time to think... I think it's probably more difficult because there isn't any consistency to my inspiring think time. Work (although quiet) is rarely good think time OR good writing time. The drive home from work is often glorious think time, but so often I go from work to the gym or to pick up Taylor or to some other scheduled activity. There isn't usually a lot of blank space directly after my drive home.

And I'm thinking of forcing some blank time following think time. Because it's good for the soul. My soul dearly misses the drive to write. It's one of those things that makes me feel truly taken care of. When I have that precious no-deadlines/appointments/meetings alone time to sit and write (with a spoonful of peanut butter and bag of chocolate chips), THAT is relaxation. That is...bliss. Really, anything that stirs my creativity that way is worth fighting for, and lately there's been a large lack of that in my life. Creativity is worth keeping, so I'm brainstorming ways to get that drive back. Really... in any form.

I am.

{practices of creative self image}

I am.
I am a summer peach. juicy, perfectly ripe. I explode with flavor.
I am the long trail around the pond, the summer sunrise shimmers my surface.
I am the daughter of spontaneity, the wife of peace, the bearer of passion.
I am the heartbeat's throb after the fastest you've ever run
I am the purple gel pen.
I am the loudest blue jay's alarm call,
the brightest firework's smoldering flakes of falling yellow.
I am the fingertips of King Midas.
I am the heat wave hitting you as you fling the door open in mid August.
I am your broken snooze button.
I am the pacing jaguar behind the glass,
the squirrel's frenzied leap from branch to branch.
I am Intensity. I am Drive.
I am the power to Do.
I am.

life lately

lately life is grackles and pigeons, that is to say commonplace. life is finding time to budget and evaluating our needs three times to whittle the total to a more and more...and more reasonable number. although really, i don't think a reasonable number exists on a month when tuition is due. but really, this is the last time. really. thus, life is hoarding coupons for an oil change and tire rotation.

lately life is colored pens and long, long lists. only half of the items are crossed off. it's a messy desk and hard-water-stained sink (yet to buy more kitchen cleaner). it's long sighs when the lights are finally out and staring in the fridge for ten minutes before i even have an idea of what might be for dinner. it's a drizzling sky and harsh wind and hair burnt with the straightening iron.

lately, life is perpetually looking forward to an evening off in the sunshine or spent watching an episode of psyche. it's living for saturday evening and then being too tired to cash in on fun plans. lately, it's sluggish days. lately it's waiting for anything to wake me up. lately, i'm apathetic.

and lately life's all about those kind notes stuck to my lunch. it's the kiss on my forehead and hand on my knee. it's those few hours in the day i get to turn the music up loud and get so. much. done. life the last while has been waking up to the birds and the sun. it's been brownies in the evening and warm oatmeal to wake up with.

lately, life's been a list of promising projects and a game of get-yourself-motivated. lately, it's been mutual evening reading instead of dishes. it's plans for summer. it's an ever-growing list of free date ideas. it's a new bird every week and homemade bread and an extra couple hundred dollars a month. it's clean bed sheets and long, long spring. it's the bobcat at the zoo bouncing off the walls next to affectionate otters. it's pretending to buy food for our pretty-much-pretend cat. i think his name is squirrel. it's cool mornings with time to exercise and the urge to sketch and sew.

lately, life is the smaller things and the attempt to stay focused on them.

two weeks until the mini (mini...) vacation. fourteen weeks until my last day of work. fifteen to go to moving day. oh, and the 4th of july is stuck in there somewhere. thank the heavens for a holiday in the middle of summer - i'm certain i'm not the only one who needs more celebration in life lately.

Dissatisfied

Last night, I sprawled on my bed with a bright blue pen, a blank sheet of paper and a hardback fantasy novel (my new desk). I was at it again, trying to climb out of the muck with word-vomit therapy. I read a post the other day that was very timely. She talked about having a touchstone thought pattern, an edge of the swimming pool to grab on to. Her phrase was I hate my body. That was the rut her mind had created by going over it and over it and over it again, to the point that now it goes back to that place even though it isn't true anymore.

If there's one thing I know it's that a thought process is one of the hardest things to rewire. So that's what I was doing. Again.

The last couple of weeks there's been this lurking dissatisfaction with my body. It's been one of those hard-to-describe feelings. Not overpowering in the least, but persistent. Hiding in the corners, there when I walk into my house after work and walk past the mirror to take a shower. Not enough...not there yet the voice seems to whisper.

It helps to yell at the voice. Loudly. Literally. And sometimes I do. I've been countering with backhands like, Trying to lose weight never got you anywhere but miserable, and My body isn't on the table for that kind of discussion. And still it lurks.

Dissatisfied. Not good enough. Wouldn't the challenge be fun? Why don't you weigh yourself, see if you could lose 5 more lbs than where you're at now? Dissatisfied. Dissatisfied. Dissatisfied. You could be just a little bit better...

I've been working on that little piece of paper for almost a week now, challenging each lie that comes up, calling it out for the falsehood it is. It's a grip on reality. And last night while I was writing, it hit me. This is my touchstone. That body bashing, the not-good-enough's, those are the things I still grab when I don't really know what I'm feeling except for...not good.

And then it all made sense. I'm not dissatisfied with my body. Really, there are lots of things I like about my body. I'm very satisfied with my weight and shape and when my thoughts are rational, nothing at all needs to change. Where I'm at is wonderful. I'm not dissatisfied with my body, I'm dissatisfied with my life. Bored to death and in need of a challenge. Sick of sitting at work and staring at a computer screen, sick of living on the same street, in the same apartment where the furniture has been in the same place for a year. I've just been blaming that on my body, taking out that boredom at one of the only avenues it's ever been directed in my life.

Losing weight was always a challenge, something to throw myself at and get really intense about. Health and food and weight and all that - it was interesting. It was an obstacle to overcome, something to seriously channel my energy through. And it was one of the most destructive outlets I could have chosen (or that was handed to me - thanks, Society).

Now though, I see the connection. Bored with life? Lose weight, the challenge will be fun! Dissatisfied with your job? You can't change that so why not be dissatisfied with your body instead? THAT we can change. Finding what I really felt disarmed those thoughts completely. I am completely satisfied with my body and it is fine exactly where it is. There is no need to change it, whatsoever (no matter what my weight or size).

And now that I know what the problem really is, I can address it. I'm going to learn how to play tennis I think. And maybe train for another 10k or something of the sort. I've seriously been considering shaving the side of my head and I'm pretty sure that green nail polish is in order. I'm going to go on a decluttering, cleaning rampage this weekend and then maybe buy some fresh flowers to put on the kitchen table. I know there are only three months left, but really...I think it's time to rearrange the whole house. I think I want to learn to make baklava. Or maybe just a really killer carrot cake. And pretty soon, my soul will need a campfire and s'mores.  Some new makeup will probably help, and possibly a pair of shoes. And paper chains. Paper count-down chains are totally in order. I think I might make four.

Little things have the power to help one feel beautiful again once the knowledge I always was is claimed (...again).

So, guess what? There's nothing wrong with my body. I'm just bored to death and in need of some (not-so-small) adventuring. And seriously, figuring that out felt like one of the biggest successes I've had in a month. I'm pretty sure I'm going to add and what are you REALLY dissatisfied with? on the sticky note on my wall that already says Fat is NOT a feeling.

Also, do you know how hard it is to write the word dissatisfied twenty times in one post? I'm pretty sure I only spelled it right on the first try once.

daily affirmations

Today, I am diligently seeking the help and strength of the Lord. I know without Him I am nothing and only in His strength is anything possible.

Today, I am  loving caring for my body. It is a gift and I will work hard to be grateful for the many wonderful things it does for me. My body is enough just the way it is, and it fulfills the purposes it was designed for.

Today, I am patiently accepting my emotions and the emotions of others.

Whereupon I Discover I Do Not Thrift

I need summer clothes. Abilene gets hot. Really, really hot. I've been feeling like I'm wearing the same thing over and over now that the weather is warming up, so the other day I separated my closet by...warmth. Jackets together, sweaters together, long sleeves, short sleeves, then vests and the like. I realized I felt like I was wearing the same thing over and over because well, I am. A couple basic short sleeved shirts, a sweater vest, a professional vest, and a couple tanks. Granted, I can still wear long sleeves to my icebox work, but I'm not entirely sure that will last much longer either.

I think the shrinking of wardrobes is inevitable in the spring and summer. All winter long, you've been wearing all your short sleeves, with long sleeves and with sweaters, with jackets and scarves and everything else piled on top. Suddenly, it's just too freaking warm to wear anything but a shirt and some jewelry, so the wardrobe gets cut in half. Or worse.

Mine was worse. Much worse. So I scrounged up a little extra money and gave myself the allotment to spend. I need plenty of clothes, but the budget isn't massive...aaaand I've been hearing a lot about all the great things everyone's finding at thrift stores these days, too! I went thrifting. Two hours and two stores later, I discovered I am not and never will be a thrifter.

Even Ross was just a flat out disappointment. Not only do I get overwhelmed at the endless rows of clothes all sorted by size, I get frustrated at my lack of options. Perhaps for those who shop as a hobby, a thrift store wouldn't be that bad. After all, if you have 6 hours to kill and no particular needs, you can wander up and down those isles to your heart's content! But I shop with purpose. If I need a pair of jeans, I don't want to go into a store to see that they have 2 pairs of jeans in my size and 7581 dresses. Not cool.

I looked through all 7581 dresses and found 1 that I liked. I tried it on and it was pretty decent, even. Then in exasperation, I nearly shouted, I'M NOT LOOKING FOR DRESSES! Frustration.

No, I want to shop somewhere that I like the clothes. Somewhere I know I can walk in and have some of everything to choose from. Somewhere things aren't already used and tossed aside and somewhere things aren't marked down 27 times because no one else wanted them.

I have accepted that I am not a thrifter and never will be.

Next week, I'm going to the mall.

Self Respect

"I fell in love with her for her courage, for her sincerity and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be."

-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

love & earth

today i love chats with my family, even short ones. i love steamed asparagus and egg sandwiches. i love a quick run in 70 degree weather and crazy grackles. i love weekly to-do lists, i love finally having a clean fridge (even if i did break it....). i love clean tablecloths. eyeliner. steaming hot showers. i love chirping sparrows who eat the entire feeder's worth of food in a matter of days. i love a clear desk and blank white pages. i love folk gospel music. the empty kitchen sink. folded blankets. i love cardigans, sandals, deep purple nail polish. i love a made bed and lazy clouds in the sky. i love summer blowing in with suddenly-green trees. i love big glasses of water and peanut butter. oh so much peanut butter. i love fresh veggies on the menu and a kitchen full of nourishing food. i love days off and the peace of my laying in my bed for an extra half hour this morning. slow days and time to relax, renew and wake up to live again.

ps. happy earth day! :)

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: The City Harmonic

powerful belief, declared from the rooftops. from the top of my lungs: amen!